Oh no- I can't do it yet.
I wanted to delete this journal... but I just couldn't do it yet. The memories stick with me even though time flies by every time I read my silly entries over and over again. Life changes all the time.
My happiness in Jacksonville was cut short by illness. I guess it wasn't a big deal, but to me my world was ending and my sanity vanishing. I was in pain I couldn't explain. Food made me sick, work made me irritable, my sides and back ached all the time, and everything in my life couldn't be put on hold any longer. After a week of crying myself to sleep and feeling sick all the time I went to the doctor and then to the hospital. The best they could do was tell me it wasn't serious (but it could become that way depending on my next plan of action)... "you need to get healthy, it hurts, it hurts bad, but we can't help you yet... you need to help yourself first."
Helping myself meant laying low for a couple of weeks. No work. Pain meds, stomach meds, plenty of rest, change of diet, quitting drinking. I couldn't do it on my own. Maybe I got weak but there is nothing more depressing in the world at that moment than being told I need to change everything in my life after feeling like I just did change everything in my life. There I was, alone, unable to pay my bills, still in pain, with the people who care most about me over 4 hours away and horribly worried.
Apparently locale doesn't mean anything when you do the same things with different company. I held back the tears each time I spoke to my mom. Sometimes I'd just say "bye" and hang up mid-conversation because I was where I had wanted to be... I left my friends and family to pursue something new and each time I heard concern in her voice I broke down. I loved it there, I was never lying, and I enjoyed every moment with my new found friends... but I couldn't struggle like that any longer for no real reason.
I'm back in palm beach. I'm back at home. It sucks to feel like you're back to square one. But it's time to try again. The universe works in mysterious ways and I think I'm starting to realize the people I felt I needed the absolute most in my life when I felt at my lowest there feel the same way about me... and some of them are needing to lean on me now. I'm getting back on my feet. & I'm so glad I can be here to help them after all they did for me!
My happiness in Jacksonville was cut short by illness. I guess it wasn't a big deal, but to me my world was ending and my sanity vanishing. I was in pain I couldn't explain. Food made me sick, work made me irritable, my sides and back ached all the time, and everything in my life couldn't be put on hold any longer. After a week of crying myself to sleep and feeling sick all the time I went to the doctor and then to the hospital. The best they could do was tell me it wasn't serious (but it could become that way depending on my next plan of action)... "you need to get healthy, it hurts, it hurts bad, but we can't help you yet... you need to help yourself first."
Helping myself meant laying low for a couple of weeks. No work. Pain meds, stomach meds, plenty of rest, change of diet, quitting drinking. I couldn't do it on my own. Maybe I got weak but there is nothing more depressing in the world at that moment than being told I need to change everything in my life after feeling like I just did change everything in my life. There I was, alone, unable to pay my bills, still in pain, with the people who care most about me over 4 hours away and horribly worried.
Apparently locale doesn't mean anything when you do the same things with different company. I held back the tears each time I spoke to my mom. Sometimes I'd just say "bye" and hang up mid-conversation because I was where I had wanted to be... I left my friends and family to pursue something new and each time I heard concern in her voice I broke down. I loved it there, I was never lying, and I enjoyed every moment with my new found friends... but I couldn't struggle like that any longer for no real reason.
I'm back in palm beach. I'm back at home. It sucks to feel like you're back to square one. But it's time to try again. The universe works in mysterious ways and I think I'm starting to realize the people I felt I needed the absolute most in my life when I felt at my lowest there feel the same way about me... and some of them are needing to lean on me now. I'm getting back on my feet. & I'm so glad I can be here to help them after all they did for me!