I didn't come from no dinosaur!
This is frickin'nuts.
Of course, none of this is really about proving that the book of Genesis is scientifically sound. It's all about creating audio-animatronic cavemen to fight with audio-animatronic dinosaurs in multi-million dollar museum displays.
So, wanna read a funny sketch? 'Kay.
I wrote this one for Lampoon's first show of the year, which was produced in Downstage. I got the idea for this sketch during a brainstorming rehearsal for Midnight Cabaret. In the end, I wasn't in the show that week, but since we share all our ideas in Cabaret, there was a scene performed that week based on this exact same premise. I didn't find this out before it was too late, but I find it mildly amusing that, over the course of one week, two sketches were performed on campus that were both about children staring at the sun.
“Eyes of the Sun”
The location? A shiny, schmaltzy children’s show. A group of CHILDREN are surrounding the show’s host, CONDUCTOR KELLIE, who is dressed like a railway conductor. SHERMAN, another child, sits next to Conductor Kellie with an over-sized book on his lap.
CONDUCTOR KELLIE
(Sickeningly cheery) Howdy Wangle Gang, Toot toot! I’m Conductor Kellie, and we’re chugga-chugga chuggin’ into the Story Time Station for another Story Time story for kids, by kids! Right Sherman?
SHERMAN
(Intensely calm) That’s right, Kellie.
CONDUCTOR KELLIE
Today Sherman’s going to read a story he wrote, isn’t that right?
SHERMAN
Correct again, Kellie. Today’s story was inspired by “Night on Bald Mountain”, a tone poem by Russian composer Modest Petrovich Mussorgsky.
CONDUCTOR KELLIE
Wangle! That sounds really creative!
SHERMAN
And now, submitted for the approval of the Story Time Station, I call this story, “Eyes of the Sun”.
“Night on Bald Mountain”, which has been playing in the background, reaches an orchestral climax as the story begins. We are at the home of CLARENCE ICARUS as he and his two best buddies, BUCKY and GERTIE, run into the back yard.
GERTIE
Man, this rocks the hizzy! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and we got the whole day to do whatever we want!
CLARENCE and BUCKY
Summer rules!
THEY exchange enthusiastic high-fives.
GERTIE
What do you wanna do?
CLARENCE
(producing firecracker) I found these firecrackers in my dad’s tool shed. We could light one and put it in my mouth.
BUCKY
(producing paint thinner) And I found this can of paint thinner in the garage. We could burn off our freckles.
GERTIE
Well, those ideas are pretty good, but I got a better one…
GERTIE produces a bottle of drain cleaner from behind her back.
BUCKY
Whoa…
GERTIE
I found it under the sink.
BUCKY
What is it?
GERTIE
I don’t know, but it’s blue and it killed my cat. Let’s drink it!
The CHILDREN are just about to drink the drain cleaner when CLARENCE’S MOTHER enters. THEY quickly hide everything behind their backs.
MOTHER
(Gasp) Clarence Daedalus Icarus, just what do you think you’re doing?
CLARENCE
(Sigh) Nothing, Mother…
MOTHER
You hand over those fireworks pronto, mister.
CLARENCE
Mo-om…
MOTHER
Now! You too, Bucky. Give me that paint thinner. Gertie, don’t think for a second I don’t see that Drāno Foamer!
BUCKY
We weren’t going to drink it, Mrs. Icarus, for serious. We were just going to play with it -
MOTHER
I don’t want to hear another word. You three play nice and remember to put on sunscreen every two hours. I’ll be knitting.
MOTHER exits. The CHILDREN are alone.
BUCKY
Man, your mom’s a total bummer, Clarence. It’s like she’s got eyes in the back of her head and everything!
CLARENCE
I know. We had the whole day planned out and now it’s ruined!
BUCKY
Now what’re we gonna do?
GERTIE
We could stare at the sun.
CLARENCE
The sun?
GERTIE
Up there.
The CHILDREN looks up into the sky as the SUN enters. She is dressed like a Las Vegas showgirl in bright oranges, reds and yellows.
BUCKY
Wow, she’s beautiful!
CLARENCE
I’m mesmerized by the sun spots and solar flares -
BUCKY
Wait! My mom told me looking at the sun for too long makes you blind!
GERTIE
That’s not what I heard. I heard on the playground that if you stare at the sun long enough it gives you x-ray vision. Our parents just say it’s bad for us so we won’t get super powers.
BUCKY
Do you think it’s true?
CLARENCE
Only one way to find out.
The CHILDREN stare into the SUN. Slowly, She begins to dance. It is a slow, sexy, hypnotic dance.
Look, I see something! It’s moving!
BUCKY
No, it’s dancing!
GERTIE
The sun is dancing!
Just as the sun opens its mouth, CLARENCE’S FATHER barges in. He is appalled.
FATHER
Clarence Daedalus Icarus, what in Hell’s Kitchen is going on here?
BUCKY
It’s a parent!
GERTIE
Run!
BUCKY and GERTIE run away. The SUN exits.
CLARENCE
I can explain!
FATHER
Explain it in your room, mister. Now!
FATHER shoves CLARENCE offstage as MOTHER enters.
MOTHER
What is it? What’s going on?
FATHER
It’s the kids! I caught them staring at the sun.
MOTHER
What? For how long?
FATHER
I don’t know, Grace, I don’t know!
MOTHER
Oh this is bad, Rick, this is bad -
FATHER
You think I don’t know that? For centuries the parental instinct has been the world’s most closely guarded secret. If those kids find out that staring at the sun gives you x-ray vision the elders will have our heads!
MOTHER
What are we going to do?
FATHER
There’s a hatchet in my toolbox. Go get Clarence. It’s time we had a little chat.
CLARENCE is in his room, looking up at the sky.
CLARENCE
Cheese and crackers, I really made a mess of things.
The SUN enters.
THE SUN
Psst! Psst!
CLARENCE
Hot Fudge Sundae, it’s the Sun!
THE SUN
Hello Clarence. I couldn’t help noticing you staring at me.
CLARENCE
Don’t remind me. Now I’m in big trouble!
THE SUN
Don’t worry about that, Clarence. I can make it all better.
CLARENCE
You can?
THE SUN
Come with me, I’ll show you my magic dance!
The SUN dances, seductively leading CLARENCE away as he slips into a trance-like state. The PARENTS come charging onto the stage.
FATHER
Oh where is he, where is he? We’ve looked everywhere!
MOTHER
I told you, I went to his room and he was gone.
FATHER
He’s acting out. He’s trying to get attention. He’s been this way ever since we told him about the divorce. God damn it, where is he?
CLARENCE enters. He is eerily serene.
CLARENCE
Hello Mother, Father.
MOTHER
Oh, Clarence! Thank goodness. We were looking all over for you.
FATHER
I’ve got a surprise for you, son; a little present. Come over to the toolbox and I’ll show it to you.
FATHER opens the toolbox. It is empty.
That’s funny, I could’ve sworn I put it -
CLARENCE produces the hatchet from behind his back…
Oh no. Clarence no!
…and drives it into his father’s skull. He proceeds to chop down his mother as well. This is all performed in slow motion as “Night on Bald Mountain” is played in the background. After the dirty deed is done, BUCKY and GERTIE enter.
GERTIE
Clarence, what’s going on?
BUCKY
We heard screams.
CLARENCE
The screams of my parents. They were going to kill me and get a divorce. I used my x-ray vision to find this hatchet and beat them at their own game.
BUCKY
But Clarence, that’s murder! You’ll burn in Hell!
CLARENCE
We all burn…in the Eyes of the Sun.
The lights fall on CLARENCE as we return to CONDUCTOR KELLIE and SHERMAN who is stone faced as he closes the book. KELLIE is at a loss for words.
CONDUCTOR KELLIE
Wow, Sherman. That was really…um, I think it was just, uh…wow that was fucked up.
SHERMAN
I’ve been reading a lot of H.P. Lovecraft.
CONDUCTOR KELLIE
Are you going to be all right? Do you need a ride home or anything?
SHERMAN
I’m fine. My Mom’s supposed to pick me up and drive me to my Dad’s house.
CONDUCTOR KELLIE
Oh, your parents are divorced. I was wondering why you wrote this. That must have been your loco-motive, toot-toot!
CONDUCTOR KELLIE attempts to salvage the situation, but it’s hopeless.
Well that’s all the time we have at Story Time Station. Join us tomorrow when we’ll hear a story inspired by the films of David Lynch.
The End.
Cast of Characters:
CONDUCTOR KELLIE...Daryl Ellerbe
SHERMAN...Ernest Merrimont
CLARENCE...AstonHollins McClanahan
BUCKY...Amy Liedman
GERTIE...Chet Siegel
MOTHER...Erica Steiner
FATHER...Ross Wade
THE SUN...Rory O'Toole
Of course, none of this is really about proving that the book of Genesis is scientifically sound. It's all about creating audio-animatronic cavemen to fight with audio-animatronic dinosaurs in multi-million dollar museum displays.
So, wanna read a funny sketch? 'Kay.
I wrote this one for Lampoon's first show of the year, which was produced in Downstage. I got the idea for this sketch during a brainstorming rehearsal for Midnight Cabaret. In the end, I wasn't in the show that week, but since we share all our ideas in Cabaret, there was a scene performed that week based on this exact same premise. I didn't find this out before it was too late, but I find it mildly amusing that, over the course of one week, two sketches were performed on campus that were both about children staring at the sun.
“Eyes of the Sun”
The location? A shiny, schmaltzy children’s show. A group of CHILDREN are surrounding the show’s host, CONDUCTOR KELLIE, who is dressed like a railway conductor. SHERMAN, another child, sits next to Conductor Kellie with an over-sized book on his lap.
CONDUCTOR KELLIE
(Sickeningly cheery) Howdy Wangle Gang, Toot toot! I’m Conductor Kellie, and we’re chugga-chugga chuggin’ into the Story Time Station for another Story Time story for kids, by kids! Right Sherman?
SHERMAN
(Intensely calm) That’s right, Kellie.
CONDUCTOR KELLIE
Today Sherman’s going to read a story he wrote, isn’t that right?
SHERMAN
Correct again, Kellie. Today’s story was inspired by “Night on Bald Mountain”, a tone poem by Russian composer Modest Petrovich Mussorgsky.
CONDUCTOR KELLIE
Wangle! That sounds really creative!
SHERMAN
And now, submitted for the approval of the Story Time Station, I call this story, “Eyes of the Sun”.
“Night on Bald Mountain”, which has been playing in the background, reaches an orchestral climax as the story begins. We are at the home of CLARENCE ICARUS as he and his two best buddies, BUCKY and GERTIE, run into the back yard.
GERTIE
Man, this rocks the hizzy! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and we got the whole day to do whatever we want!
CLARENCE and BUCKY
Summer rules!
THEY exchange enthusiastic high-fives.
GERTIE
What do you wanna do?
CLARENCE
(producing firecracker) I found these firecrackers in my dad’s tool shed. We could light one and put it in my mouth.
BUCKY
(producing paint thinner) And I found this can of paint thinner in the garage. We could burn off our freckles.
GERTIE
Well, those ideas are pretty good, but I got a better one…
GERTIE produces a bottle of drain cleaner from behind her back.
BUCKY
Whoa…
GERTIE
I found it under the sink.
BUCKY
What is it?
GERTIE
I don’t know, but it’s blue and it killed my cat. Let’s drink it!
The CHILDREN are just about to drink the drain cleaner when CLARENCE’S MOTHER enters. THEY quickly hide everything behind their backs.
MOTHER
(Gasp) Clarence Daedalus Icarus, just what do you think you’re doing?
CLARENCE
(Sigh) Nothing, Mother…
MOTHER
You hand over those fireworks pronto, mister.
CLARENCE
Mo-om…
MOTHER
Now! You too, Bucky. Give me that paint thinner. Gertie, don’t think for a second I don’t see that Drāno Foamer!
BUCKY
We weren’t going to drink it, Mrs. Icarus, for serious. We were just going to play with it -
MOTHER
I don’t want to hear another word. You three play nice and remember to put on sunscreen every two hours. I’ll be knitting.
MOTHER exits. The CHILDREN are alone.
BUCKY
Man, your mom’s a total bummer, Clarence. It’s like she’s got eyes in the back of her head and everything!
CLARENCE
I know. We had the whole day planned out and now it’s ruined!
BUCKY
Now what’re we gonna do?
GERTIE
We could stare at the sun.
CLARENCE
The sun?
GERTIE
Up there.
The CHILDREN looks up into the sky as the SUN enters. She is dressed like a Las Vegas showgirl in bright oranges, reds and yellows.
BUCKY
Wow, she’s beautiful!
CLARENCE
I’m mesmerized by the sun spots and solar flares -
BUCKY
Wait! My mom told me looking at the sun for too long makes you blind!
GERTIE
That’s not what I heard. I heard on the playground that if you stare at the sun long enough it gives you x-ray vision. Our parents just say it’s bad for us so we won’t get super powers.
BUCKY
Do you think it’s true?
CLARENCE
Only one way to find out.
The CHILDREN stare into the SUN. Slowly, She begins to dance. It is a slow, sexy, hypnotic dance.
Look, I see something! It’s moving!
BUCKY
No, it’s dancing!
GERTIE
The sun is dancing!
Just as the sun opens its mouth, CLARENCE’S FATHER barges in. He is appalled.
FATHER
Clarence Daedalus Icarus, what in Hell’s Kitchen is going on here?
BUCKY
It’s a parent!
GERTIE
Run!
BUCKY and GERTIE run away. The SUN exits.
CLARENCE
I can explain!
FATHER
Explain it in your room, mister. Now!
FATHER shoves CLARENCE offstage as MOTHER enters.
MOTHER
What is it? What’s going on?
FATHER
It’s the kids! I caught them staring at the sun.
MOTHER
What? For how long?
FATHER
I don’t know, Grace, I don’t know!
MOTHER
Oh this is bad, Rick, this is bad -
FATHER
You think I don’t know that? For centuries the parental instinct has been the world’s most closely guarded secret. If those kids find out that staring at the sun gives you x-ray vision the elders will have our heads!
MOTHER
What are we going to do?
FATHER
There’s a hatchet in my toolbox. Go get Clarence. It’s time we had a little chat.
CLARENCE is in his room, looking up at the sky.
CLARENCE
Cheese and crackers, I really made a mess of things.
The SUN enters.
THE SUN
Psst! Psst!
CLARENCE
Hot Fudge Sundae, it’s the Sun!
THE SUN
Hello Clarence. I couldn’t help noticing you staring at me.
CLARENCE
Don’t remind me. Now I’m in big trouble!
THE SUN
Don’t worry about that, Clarence. I can make it all better.
CLARENCE
You can?
THE SUN
Come with me, I’ll show you my magic dance!
The SUN dances, seductively leading CLARENCE away as he slips into a trance-like state. The PARENTS come charging onto the stage.
FATHER
Oh where is he, where is he? We’ve looked everywhere!
MOTHER
I told you, I went to his room and he was gone.
FATHER
He’s acting out. He’s trying to get attention. He’s been this way ever since we told him about the divorce. God damn it, where is he?
CLARENCE enters. He is eerily serene.
CLARENCE
Hello Mother, Father.
MOTHER
Oh, Clarence! Thank goodness. We were looking all over for you.
FATHER
I’ve got a surprise for you, son; a little present. Come over to the toolbox and I’ll show it to you.
FATHER opens the toolbox. It is empty.
That’s funny, I could’ve sworn I put it -
CLARENCE produces the hatchet from behind his back…
Oh no. Clarence no!
…and drives it into his father’s skull. He proceeds to chop down his mother as well. This is all performed in slow motion as “Night on Bald Mountain” is played in the background. After the dirty deed is done, BUCKY and GERTIE enter.
GERTIE
Clarence, what’s going on?
BUCKY
We heard screams.
CLARENCE
The screams of my parents. They were going to kill me and get a divorce. I used my x-ray vision to find this hatchet and beat them at their own game.
BUCKY
But Clarence, that’s murder! You’ll burn in Hell!
CLARENCE
We all burn…in the Eyes of the Sun.
The lights fall on CLARENCE as we return to CONDUCTOR KELLIE and SHERMAN who is stone faced as he closes the book. KELLIE is at a loss for words.
CONDUCTOR KELLIE
Wow, Sherman. That was really…um, I think it was just, uh…wow that was fucked up.
SHERMAN
I’ve been reading a lot of H.P. Lovecraft.
CONDUCTOR KELLIE
Are you going to be all right? Do you need a ride home or anything?
SHERMAN
I’m fine. My Mom’s supposed to pick me up and drive me to my Dad’s house.
CONDUCTOR KELLIE
Oh, your parents are divorced. I was wondering why you wrote this. That must have been your loco-motive, toot-toot!
CONDUCTOR KELLIE attempts to salvage the situation, but it’s hopeless.
Well that’s all the time we have at Story Time Station. Join us tomorrow when we’ll hear a story inspired by the films of David Lynch.
The End.
Cast of Characters:
CONDUCTOR KELLIE...Daryl Ellerbe
SHERMAN...Ernest Merrimont
CLARENCE...AstonHollins McClanahan
BUCKY...Amy Liedman
GERTIE...Chet Siegel
MOTHER...Erica Steiner
FATHER...Ross Wade
THE SUN...Rory O'Toole