All we need is a little order around here!
I just watched The Stepfather on VHS and I highly recommend it. Terry O’Quinn (that’s right, John Locke from Lost) stars as Jerry Blake, a homicidal sociopath obsessed with creating the perfect family…at any cost.
I stumbled upon it quite by accident. I have a bunch of bootleg VHS tapes I bought a few years ago, each containing 3-4 films. I popped one in tonight planning to watch Evil Dead II, which was the second film on the tape. While fast-forwarding through the first film, I recognized O’Quinn’s name in the credits and accidentally happened upon a long-lost gem.
Here are a few of my favorite quotes:
NEIGHBOR: “It makes you wonder though, what's it take to make a guy turn his family into Gainesburgers?”
JERRY: "Maybe they dissapointed him."
“You’re a very bad girl.” - Jerry Blake after his stepdaughter’s inconvenient arrival
“Next time, Jim, call before you drop by.” - Jerry Blake after killing an unexpected guest
Seriously, if you’re a Lost fan you should check it out. And now, I’ll share with you another scene.
One week the theme of the SLC Midnight Cabaret show was "home". As we each shared what home meant to us at our first rehearsal, a lot of people brought up the film The Wizard of Oz. With this in mind, I decided to write a scene about Dorothy Gale's search for home in an ever-changing world.
“Nowhere Over The Rainbow”
The location? The merry old land of Oz. DOROTHY is despondent, having just watched The Wizard float away by balloon.
DOROTHY
This is just terrible! Oh Toto, what are we going to do? The Wizard was my only way of getting home and now’s he’s floating away!
TOTO barks with excitement.
You’re right, Toto, someone’s coming!
GLINDA glides in from inside her bubble.
GLINDA
Hello Dorothy. It looks like you’re in a spot of trouble.
DOROTHY
Oh Glinda would you help me? Can you help me?
GLINDA
You don’t need to be helped any longer. You’ve had the power all along.
DOROTHY
You mean, these ruby red slippers have been my ticket home from the beginning? You mean all I have to do is close my eyes and click my heels together and I’ll be back in Kansas?
GLINDA
No, not at all. You can never go home again Dorothy; that’s the way life is. The moment we leave home we begin a journey to find a new one, a home we can truly call our own.
DOROTHY
I don’t believe you, Glinda. Kansas is my home and I’ll prove it to you.
GLINDA
I don’t think you get it.
DOROTHY
Come on, Toto.
GLINDA
You’re really missing the point.
DOROTHY
Let’s go!
GLINDA
Wait!
DOROTHY closes her eyes and clicks her heels together.
DOROTHY
There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home!
The world spins around DOROTHY and TOTO as they are transported back to Kansas. When they arrive, a SCIENTIST with a clipboard is present. A menagerie of ROBOTS are moving about in the background.
Look Toto! We’re back at the farm, but it looks different.
SCIENTIST
Little girl, do you realize you’re trespassing on private property?
DOROTHY
Who are you?
SCIENTIST
I am a scientist, and this farmland belongs to Biokinetitech Incorporated. Here we employ state of the art farming technology and harvest genetically engineered produce for a better tomorrow.
DOROTHY
But what about Auntie Em? Where’s Uncle Henry?
SCIENTIST
Those old farts? They sold this land to us and moved to Florida.
DOROTHY
I don’t like this place, Toto.
SCIENTIST
Security, please escort this young girl - hey! Hey!
The SCIENTIST grabs the SCARECROW by the neck as he attempts to sneak into the farm.
Egad, not you again. I told you we’re not interested.
DOROTHY
Scarecrow!
SCARECROW
Hello Dorothy.
SCIENTIST
You know what? I think it’s time you met my friend Zippo -
The SCIENTIST produces a lighter but DOROTHY pushes her away.
DOROTHY
You stay away from him. (to SCARECROW) What are you doing here?
SCARECROW
I decided to leave Oz to try to find work, but the farms keep telling me I’ve been replaced by easy-listening music and jazz.
TOTO barks sadly.
DOROTHY
I think you’re right, Toto, this isn’t my home anymore. I know! We’ll go to Kansas Elementary, my old school. Wonderful teachers, friendly students, I’m sure we’ll feel right at home.
SCARECROW
You think so?
DOROTHY
I know so. Let’s go, Toto. Toto! There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home!
The world spins around DOROTHY and SCARECROW as they are transported to Kansas Elementary. When they arrive, PRINCIPAL ELVIRA GULCH is supervising STUDENTS as they walk through a metal detector.
GULCH
That’s right my pretties, that’s right! Walk through the metal detectors to your sub-par education! But be careful! No pocket knives, butter knives, nail clippers, hedge clippers and God help your soul if you have pornography! Locker inspections start in ten minutes! You! What are you doing here? Is that marijuana?
DOROTHY
It’s a scarecrow.
GULCH
Don’t play dumb with me. Nothing evades the eyes of Elvira Gulch!
DOROTHY
Principal Gulch, I’d like to come back to school. You see, I was swept away to a magical land of munchkins and flying monkeys -
GULCH
Flying monkeys, eh? And just how did these monkeys fly?
DOROTHY
Well, I imagine they developed their wings through a series of genetic mutations passed on by natural selection -
GULCH
Stop right there! I won’t have any of that godless claptrap uttered in my school. God’s creatures were intelligently designed by a natural creator.
DOROTHY
But -
GULCH
Run along, you pot-smoking atheist.
The metal detector goes off.
What’s going on?
TIN MAN
I’m sorry Principal Gulch. It was an accident.
GULCH
You! I told you to never come here again!
SCARECROW
Tin Man?
TIN MAN
Hello Scarecrow, hi Dorothy. I left Oz to complete my education, but I can’t get past any of the metal detectors.
GULCH
I won’t have any hooligans messing up our test scores and fucking up our funding. No Child Left Behind!
DOROTHY
I’ve had enough of this! I know where home is now. We’ll go to Mickey’s. It’s my favorite soda fountain and they have ice cream and cheeseburgers and everything!
TIN MAN
Are there any metal detectors?
DOROTHY
No metal detectors at all! There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home!
The world spins around DOROTHY, SCARECROW and TIN MAN. They end up in front of a McDonald’s.
DRIVE-THRU
Welcome to McDonald’s, can I take your order?
DOROTHY
Golly Moses, Not again! Why can’t anything stay the same?
The COWARDLY LION enters wearing a shirt that reads “Meat is Murder”.
COWARDLY LION
Stop right there, stop right there, y’see? Meat is murder, is what it is, meat is murder!
DOROTHY
Cowardly Lion?
COWARDLY LION
That’s right, Dorothy! Ever since I got my courage I been usin’ it to stick to the man, stick it to the man!
DRIVE-THRU
Pardon me, but you’ll all have to move along. We have customers to serve.
COWARDLY LION
Customers to serve and blood to spill’s more like it!
DRIVE-THRU
Sir do not make me forcibly remove you -
COWARDLY LION
Put ‘em up, put ‘em up! Your dukes that is!
TIN MAN
We don’t want any trouble!
COWARDLY LION
That’s it I’m comin’ in there!
DRIVE-THRU
Sir I am warning you to stay where you are! I mean it! If you do not obey me…
The COWARDLY LION opens the drive-thru window to reveal the WIZARD OF OZ in a fast-food uniform.
…There will be grave consequences, very grave - oh! Uh, pay no attention to the man behind the fast food counter -
DOROTHY
It’s The Wizard of Oz!
THE WIZARD
Oh hello Dorothy, everyone, I didn’t see you there -
SCARECROW
I never thought I’d see you here mister wizard, sir.
THE WIZARD
Yes well, there aren’t as many job openings for wizards as there used to be.
TIN MAN
Well maybe you can still help us. Dorothy’s been looking for her home and she can’t find it anywhere!
THE WIZARD
(sigh) Dorothy, don’t you see? You’re home has been Oz all along. When you’re surrounded by friends and people who love you, that’s where home is.
SCARECROW
Gee Dorothy, looks like you’ve got all your friends right here.
DOROTHY
So this is my home.
THE WIZARD
Yes.
DOROTHY
The parking lot of a McDonald’s.
THE WIZARD
Well no -
DOROTHY
This is where I’ll sleep at night. This where I’ll get my mail.
THE WIZARD
Not exactly -
DOROTHY
“Home is where your friends are”? Do you mean to say that I’ve been clicking my heels and flying all over Kansas for something I could have found in a fortune cookie?
TOTO barks in protest.
Shut up, Toto. If I’m trying to find my way home, and friends are where home is, then I’ll make a home out of my friends! (to SCARECROW) You! You’ll make a fine straw hut! (To COWARDLY LION) And you! I’ve always wanted a lion skin rug! (To TIN MAN) Get over here you walking scrap heap!
DOROTHY attacks EVERYONE. During the struggle, the TIN MAN knocks her out with his axe. Silence.
THE WIZARD
Oh my…
COWARDLY LION
What do we do? What do we do?
SCARECROW
We could leave her in Munchkinland. I heard that by night they feed on the flesh of the innocent.
TIN MAN
Maybe if we just drop her off in the Poppy Field she’ll think it was all a dream.
THE WIZARD
I’ll get the legs.
TOTO barks in agreement. THE WIZARD, TIN MAN, SCARECROW, and COWARDLY LION carry DOROTHY as TOTO leads the way. THE END.
Cast of Characters:
DOROTHY GALE...Chet Siegel
TOTO...Rachel Sacks
GLINDA...Sadie Seymour
SCIENTIST...Beth Hintze
SCARECROW...Gabe Aronson
PRINCIPAL GULCH...Eleanor Hyde
TIN MAN...Eli Steffen
COWARDLY LION...Ross Wade
THE WIZARD...Omen Sade
I stumbled upon it quite by accident. I have a bunch of bootleg VHS tapes I bought a few years ago, each containing 3-4 films. I popped one in tonight planning to watch Evil Dead II, which was the second film on the tape. While fast-forwarding through the first film, I recognized O’Quinn’s name in the credits and accidentally happened upon a long-lost gem.
Here are a few of my favorite quotes:
NEIGHBOR: “It makes you wonder though, what's it take to make a guy turn his family into Gainesburgers?”
JERRY: "Maybe they dissapointed him."
“You’re a very bad girl.” - Jerry Blake after his stepdaughter’s inconvenient arrival
“Next time, Jim, call before you drop by.” - Jerry Blake after killing an unexpected guest
Seriously, if you’re a Lost fan you should check it out. And now, I’ll share with you another scene.
One week the theme of the SLC Midnight Cabaret show was "home". As we each shared what home meant to us at our first rehearsal, a lot of people brought up the film The Wizard of Oz. With this in mind, I decided to write a scene about Dorothy Gale's search for home in an ever-changing world.
“Nowhere Over The Rainbow”
The location? The merry old land of Oz. DOROTHY is despondent, having just watched The Wizard float away by balloon.
DOROTHY
This is just terrible! Oh Toto, what are we going to do? The Wizard was my only way of getting home and now’s he’s floating away!
TOTO barks with excitement.
You’re right, Toto, someone’s coming!
GLINDA glides in from inside her bubble.
GLINDA
Hello Dorothy. It looks like you’re in a spot of trouble.
DOROTHY
Oh Glinda would you help me? Can you help me?
GLINDA
You don’t need to be helped any longer. You’ve had the power all along.
DOROTHY
You mean, these ruby red slippers have been my ticket home from the beginning? You mean all I have to do is close my eyes and click my heels together and I’ll be back in Kansas?
GLINDA
No, not at all. You can never go home again Dorothy; that’s the way life is. The moment we leave home we begin a journey to find a new one, a home we can truly call our own.
DOROTHY
I don’t believe you, Glinda. Kansas is my home and I’ll prove it to you.
GLINDA
I don’t think you get it.
DOROTHY
Come on, Toto.
GLINDA
You’re really missing the point.
DOROTHY
Let’s go!
GLINDA
Wait!
DOROTHY closes her eyes and clicks her heels together.
DOROTHY
There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home!
The world spins around DOROTHY and TOTO as they are transported back to Kansas. When they arrive, a SCIENTIST with a clipboard is present. A menagerie of ROBOTS are moving about in the background.
Look Toto! We’re back at the farm, but it looks different.
SCIENTIST
Little girl, do you realize you’re trespassing on private property?
DOROTHY
Who are you?
SCIENTIST
I am a scientist, and this farmland belongs to Biokinetitech Incorporated. Here we employ state of the art farming technology and harvest genetically engineered produce for a better tomorrow.
DOROTHY
But what about Auntie Em? Where’s Uncle Henry?
SCIENTIST
Those old farts? They sold this land to us and moved to Florida.
DOROTHY
I don’t like this place, Toto.
SCIENTIST
Security, please escort this young girl - hey! Hey!
The SCIENTIST grabs the SCARECROW by the neck as he attempts to sneak into the farm.
Egad, not you again. I told you we’re not interested.
DOROTHY
Scarecrow!
SCARECROW
Hello Dorothy.
SCIENTIST
You know what? I think it’s time you met my friend Zippo -
The SCIENTIST produces a lighter but DOROTHY pushes her away.
DOROTHY
You stay away from him. (to SCARECROW) What are you doing here?
SCARECROW
I decided to leave Oz to try to find work, but the farms keep telling me I’ve been replaced by easy-listening music and jazz.
TOTO barks sadly.
DOROTHY
I think you’re right, Toto, this isn’t my home anymore. I know! We’ll go to Kansas Elementary, my old school. Wonderful teachers, friendly students, I’m sure we’ll feel right at home.
SCARECROW
You think so?
DOROTHY
I know so. Let’s go, Toto. Toto! There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home!
The world spins around DOROTHY and SCARECROW as they are transported to Kansas Elementary. When they arrive, PRINCIPAL ELVIRA GULCH is supervising STUDENTS as they walk through a metal detector.
GULCH
That’s right my pretties, that’s right! Walk through the metal detectors to your sub-par education! But be careful! No pocket knives, butter knives, nail clippers, hedge clippers and God help your soul if you have pornography! Locker inspections start in ten minutes! You! What are you doing here? Is that marijuana?
DOROTHY
It’s a scarecrow.
GULCH
Don’t play dumb with me. Nothing evades the eyes of Elvira Gulch!
DOROTHY
Principal Gulch, I’d like to come back to school. You see, I was swept away to a magical land of munchkins and flying monkeys -
GULCH
Flying monkeys, eh? And just how did these monkeys fly?
DOROTHY
Well, I imagine they developed their wings through a series of genetic mutations passed on by natural selection -
GULCH
Stop right there! I won’t have any of that godless claptrap uttered in my school. God’s creatures were intelligently designed by a natural creator.
DOROTHY
But -
GULCH
Run along, you pot-smoking atheist.
The metal detector goes off.
What’s going on?
TIN MAN
I’m sorry Principal Gulch. It was an accident.
GULCH
You! I told you to never come here again!
SCARECROW
Tin Man?
TIN MAN
Hello Scarecrow, hi Dorothy. I left Oz to complete my education, but I can’t get past any of the metal detectors.
GULCH
I won’t have any hooligans messing up our test scores and fucking up our funding. No Child Left Behind!
DOROTHY
I’ve had enough of this! I know where home is now. We’ll go to Mickey’s. It’s my favorite soda fountain and they have ice cream and cheeseburgers and everything!
TIN MAN
Are there any metal detectors?
DOROTHY
No metal detectors at all! There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home!
The world spins around DOROTHY, SCARECROW and TIN MAN. They end up in front of a McDonald’s.
DRIVE-THRU
Welcome to McDonald’s, can I take your order?
DOROTHY
Golly Moses, Not again! Why can’t anything stay the same?
The COWARDLY LION enters wearing a shirt that reads “Meat is Murder”.
COWARDLY LION
Stop right there, stop right there, y’see? Meat is murder, is what it is, meat is murder!
DOROTHY
Cowardly Lion?
COWARDLY LION
That’s right, Dorothy! Ever since I got my courage I been usin’ it to stick to the man, stick it to the man!
DRIVE-THRU
Pardon me, but you’ll all have to move along. We have customers to serve.
COWARDLY LION
Customers to serve and blood to spill’s more like it!
DRIVE-THRU
Sir do not make me forcibly remove you -
COWARDLY LION
Put ‘em up, put ‘em up! Your dukes that is!
TIN MAN
We don’t want any trouble!
COWARDLY LION
That’s it I’m comin’ in there!
DRIVE-THRU
Sir I am warning you to stay where you are! I mean it! If you do not obey me…
The COWARDLY LION opens the drive-thru window to reveal the WIZARD OF OZ in a fast-food uniform.
…There will be grave consequences, very grave - oh! Uh, pay no attention to the man behind the fast food counter -
DOROTHY
It’s The Wizard of Oz!
THE WIZARD
Oh hello Dorothy, everyone, I didn’t see you there -
SCARECROW
I never thought I’d see you here mister wizard, sir.
THE WIZARD
Yes well, there aren’t as many job openings for wizards as there used to be.
TIN MAN
Well maybe you can still help us. Dorothy’s been looking for her home and she can’t find it anywhere!
THE WIZARD
(sigh) Dorothy, don’t you see? You’re home has been Oz all along. When you’re surrounded by friends and people who love you, that’s where home is.
SCARECROW
Gee Dorothy, looks like you’ve got all your friends right here.
DOROTHY
So this is my home.
THE WIZARD
Yes.
DOROTHY
The parking lot of a McDonald’s.
THE WIZARD
Well no -
DOROTHY
This is where I’ll sleep at night. This where I’ll get my mail.
THE WIZARD
Not exactly -
DOROTHY
“Home is where your friends are”? Do you mean to say that I’ve been clicking my heels and flying all over Kansas for something I could have found in a fortune cookie?
TOTO barks in protest.
Shut up, Toto. If I’m trying to find my way home, and friends are where home is, then I’ll make a home out of my friends! (to SCARECROW) You! You’ll make a fine straw hut! (To COWARDLY LION) And you! I’ve always wanted a lion skin rug! (To TIN MAN) Get over here you walking scrap heap!
DOROTHY attacks EVERYONE. During the struggle, the TIN MAN knocks her out with his axe. Silence.
THE WIZARD
Oh my…
COWARDLY LION
What do we do? What do we do?
SCARECROW
We could leave her in Munchkinland. I heard that by night they feed on the flesh of the innocent.
TIN MAN
Maybe if we just drop her off in the Poppy Field she’ll think it was all a dream.
THE WIZARD
I’ll get the legs.
TOTO barks in agreement. THE WIZARD, TIN MAN, SCARECROW, and COWARDLY LION carry DOROTHY as TOTO leads the way. THE END.
Cast of Characters:
DOROTHY GALE...Chet Siegel
TOTO...Rachel Sacks
GLINDA...Sadie Seymour
SCIENTIST...Beth Hintze
SCARECROW...Gabe Aronson
PRINCIPAL GULCH...Eleanor Hyde
TIN MAN...Eli Steffen
COWARDLY LION...Ross Wade
THE WIZARD...Omen Sade