(no subject)
Well that 'up lasted long didn't it?
woke up mixed today. went bad had shower and became full oif positive for the day. was gonna dress nicely go to bhs and swop my new work skirt for a bigger size. pop into fp and maybe dip into my overdraft as i get paid on monday. the come home and sort out both this house and myself.
came out of the shower to find that none of my bottoms fit at all. not even the skirt i wore yesterday, everything is either painfully tight or falling off loose. I couldn't go out any more without being in pain. Hungry i went to get food, only to see that unless i wanna upset my wstomach all i can eat is a soya yoghurt. haven't had luch cos theres nowt i can eat for that either.
and to tell the truth i giuve up. i really fucking give up. my weight stays the same but my body shape fluctuates so much that nothing consistant fits, and thus most of my clothes are uncomfortable. Even bras. I keep getting resized and buying one that fits perfectly and then next week it doesnt fit at all. i have a whole drawer of bras and not one fits comfortably. I can't seem to please my body with what food to put into it and i;m stuck witrh this fucking depression.
i hate it i hate it i hate it.
on top of it all the house is a tip. theres washing in the machine that is smelly cos i havent had a chance to hang it out. theres loadsa washing uo that ive been asking sam to doi since tues. he filled the sink and let it soak then the water ran out soi everything fucking slimy and greasey, and the last smonge was in there so when i fished it all out i cant even wash the dishes cos the last sponge was soaked in grease.
it just feels like if i dont do it no1 will. i work longer hoiurs than sam and with this anemia lately ive been less able and as such rather than things getting done as normal everythings piled up. ive given the house as much of a sweep through as i can today but ive done it with anger in my heart and i hate cleaning or cooking with anger. it leaves negative energy.
i just feel like i dont like where my life is at the mo. I;ve taken my happy pills and they havent helped. should i take i more? make me more complacent and easy? make me addicted? or should i leave it feel the anger feel th hate for life and die? which is bgetter addiction or death? what does society prefer?
I just can't keep this up and it isnt even pms weekend. noithing is working. i wish i could give in, wish i could so badly. but i have no means. if i had my scalpels i could easy, it would hurt like hell but it could be done. but i got rid of them and you hvae no idea how angry at myself i am for that,
Why does it always seem that there is no escape from this all? what are we living for? For the experience of life? I;ve experienced enough thank you.
God I pray a truck hits me necxt week
woke up mixed today. went bad had shower and became full oif positive for the day. was gonna dress nicely go to bhs and swop my new work skirt for a bigger size. pop into fp and maybe dip into my overdraft as i get paid on monday. the come home and sort out both this house and myself.
came out of the shower to find that none of my bottoms fit at all. not even the skirt i wore yesterday, everything is either painfully tight or falling off loose. I couldn't go out any more without being in pain. Hungry i went to get food, only to see that unless i wanna upset my wstomach all i can eat is a soya yoghurt. haven't had luch cos theres nowt i can eat for that either.
and to tell the truth i giuve up. i really fucking give up. my weight stays the same but my body shape fluctuates so much that nothing consistant fits, and thus most of my clothes are uncomfortable. Even bras. I keep getting resized and buying one that fits perfectly and then next week it doesnt fit at all. i have a whole drawer of bras and not one fits comfortably. I can't seem to please my body with what food to put into it and i;m stuck witrh this fucking depression.
i hate it i hate it i hate it.
on top of it all the house is a tip. theres washing in the machine that is smelly cos i havent had a chance to hang it out. theres loadsa washing uo that ive been asking sam to doi since tues. he filled the sink and let it soak then the water ran out soi everything fucking slimy and greasey, and the last smonge was in there so when i fished it all out i cant even wash the dishes cos the last sponge was soaked in grease.
it just feels like if i dont do it no1 will. i work longer hoiurs than sam and with this anemia lately ive been less able and as such rather than things getting done as normal everythings piled up. ive given the house as much of a sweep through as i can today but ive done it with anger in my heart and i hate cleaning or cooking with anger. it leaves negative energy.
i just feel like i dont like where my life is at the mo. I;ve taken my happy pills and they havent helped. should i take i more? make me more complacent and easy? make me addicted? or should i leave it feel the anger feel th hate for life and die? which is bgetter addiction or death? what does society prefer?
I just can't keep this up and it isnt even pms weekend. noithing is working. i wish i could give in, wish i could so badly. but i have no means. if i had my scalpels i could easy, it would hurt like hell but it could be done. but i got rid of them and you hvae no idea how angry at myself i am for that,
Why does it always seem that there is no escape from this all? what are we living for? For the experience of life? I;ve experienced enough thank you.
God I pray a truck hits me necxt week