Swampland
Sometimes everything just feels insurmountable. They shouldn't, they should be going well but yet I still seem to feel like I'm at the bottom of a mud pit, lungs crushed and heart squeezed. What reasons do I have to be anxious?
- My house is damn good. I mean it. A couple of dirty dishes from tonights dinner and the coffee table is a bit cluttered from the weekend of clearing. But I have a study, a clean kitchen, organised rooms. There is so much order in this house right it can't be described.
- I got into my course. Again I am so happy about that. I have looked through modules and feel happy about them. I have sent back all that needs sending. All is good.
- Talked things over with Paul about the house today and rent and stuffs. Everything is good to go there. No worries.
- I've started reading manga again and feeling great giving my brain a break
- I have bee given weekends off (not that that means much as they are still all booked from here to June somehow lol) so no stress there
- I worked out how much holiday I am owed and its a lot, so no worries about going on holidays or loosing hours over not working said weekends
- Bagheera is well - another big relief
- Sam and I are fine and enjoying stuff together, particularly going to the cinemas again, watching Dollhouse and Fringe
- Money is tight (I've started saving) but not painfully so, I am still able to buy manga etc
- The weather is turning, the sun is shining and I feel better about the world when that happens
- The pms is over and I am 'sane' again, no more bad thoughts etc
- Even the Freecycle group is up to date
That is one hell of a lot of positives there, don't think I've written that many ever!
So why is my chest being crushed, why is someone squeezing my heart and throat. Why am I feeling rooted to the spot? Why do I want to turn the lights out and hide under this dining table? Why I am in the throes of anxiety? What is going on inside to cause this reaction, it must be inside because I can't see an external trigger? And without knowing what is making me anxious how do I stop it.
I know what I will do for tonight. I will take 2 diazepam, go upstairs, wake sam and cuddle till I sleep. But how do I tackle this in the long run? I don't want to be scared all my life, especially if I don't know what I am scared of.
I don't expect any of you to have the answers I'm looking for. If you have suggestions then thats great throw them *gently* at me! But you don't have to. This is:
1) A distraction from that anxiety to give myself enough time to plan how to deal with it (done with the diaz plan)
2) A way of expressing this, getting it off my chest and allowing any others who get this to know they aren't alone, they may well still be crazy but they aren't alone in it!
3) A record, because my memory is so bad, this will let me know that I felt this way at some point in my life. Maybe in the future I won't feel this way, I won't have for so long that I can read this and think 'wow did I really feel that way?' (I already do that with some of the earlier posts of this journal), maybe in the future I will be working with a therapist wondering how long I've felt this way, this will stand as a record. Either way its a record.
Ok tightness eased a bit, time for diaz and bed. Good ole Dr Hore tomorrow arvo maybe he will be able to help. And maybe I can twist Sams arm to going Yo Sushi after again :-)
*huggles f-list*
Dans - #How do I feel this good sober?#
- My house is damn good. I mean it. A couple of dirty dishes from tonights dinner and the coffee table is a bit cluttered from the weekend of clearing. But I have a study, a clean kitchen, organised rooms. There is so much order in this house right it can't be described.
- I got into my course. Again I am so happy about that. I have looked through modules and feel happy about them. I have sent back all that needs sending. All is good.
- Talked things over with Paul about the house today and rent and stuffs. Everything is good to go there. No worries.
- I've started reading manga again and feeling great giving my brain a break
- I have bee given weekends off (not that that means much as they are still all booked from here to June somehow lol) so no stress there
- I worked out how much holiday I am owed and its a lot, so no worries about going on holidays or loosing hours over not working said weekends
- Bagheera is well - another big relief
- Sam and I are fine and enjoying stuff together, particularly going to the cinemas again, watching Dollhouse and Fringe
- Money is tight (I've started saving) but not painfully so, I am still able to buy manga etc
- The weather is turning, the sun is shining and I feel better about the world when that happens
- The pms is over and I am 'sane' again, no more bad thoughts etc
- Even the Freecycle group is up to date
That is one hell of a lot of positives there, don't think I've written that many ever!
So why is my chest being crushed, why is someone squeezing my heart and throat. Why am I feeling rooted to the spot? Why do I want to turn the lights out and hide under this dining table? Why I am in the throes of anxiety? What is going on inside to cause this reaction, it must be inside because I can't see an external trigger? And without knowing what is making me anxious how do I stop it.
I know what I will do for tonight. I will take 2 diazepam, go upstairs, wake sam and cuddle till I sleep. But how do I tackle this in the long run? I don't want to be scared all my life, especially if I don't know what I am scared of.
I don't expect any of you to have the answers I'm looking for. If you have suggestions then thats great throw them *gently* at me! But you don't have to. This is:
1) A distraction from that anxiety to give myself enough time to plan how to deal with it (done with the diaz plan)
2) A way of expressing this, getting it off my chest and allowing any others who get this to know they aren't alone, they may well still be crazy but they aren't alone in it!
3) A record, because my memory is so bad, this will let me know that I felt this way at some point in my life. Maybe in the future I won't feel this way, I won't have for so long that I can read this and think 'wow did I really feel that way?' (I already do that with some of the earlier posts of this journal), maybe in the future I will be working with a therapist wondering how long I've felt this way, this will stand as a record. Either way its a record.
Ok tightness eased a bit, time for diaz and bed. Good ole Dr Hore tomorrow arvo maybe he will be able to help. And maybe I can twist Sams arm to going Yo Sushi after again :-)
*huggles f-list*
Dans - #How do I feel this good sober?#