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I whole-heartedly apologize for the delay in posting my next chapter. I really don't like having long gaps between posting, but it couldn't be helped. I just recently moved into a new house and it's made my life a crazy sort of whirlwind, while also keeping me away from the computer. I've finished moving (though I've got a LOT of unpacking and organizing to do) and have an internet connection now, so I don't anticipate anymore delays. Sorry there's no Alex in this chapter, but there will be plenty of Ms. Cabot in the next one. As always, feedback and your comments are LOVED. Thank you all for reading! :D
Title: Somewhere Out There (chapter seven)
Rating: PG for a curse word or two.
Olivia wasn’t sure how they got back to her apartment. She did not remember the car ride. After her emotional breakdown she’d cried herself sick and Elliot had to help her back to the car. She’d tried to stop crying, but every time she closed her eyes she saw the flashing lights of the cars as they drove Alex away and out of her life. Each time she thought she had her emotions under control, she’d burst into tears again. This whole situation felt like a nightmare, but the pain in Olivia’s heart told her it was all too real.
When they arrived at her apartment, Elliot opened the car door for her and found he still had to brace her as they walked. Olivia had worn herself out from all the crying and was completely exhausted. He aided her in their walk inside the building and into the elevator. They rode in silence up to her floor, where he walked at her side to her door. “Do you have your keys?”
Olivia nodded and pulled them out of the pocket of her trench coat. “I’ll be fine,” she finally said, her voice choked from all the crying.
“Yeah, right,” Elliot said. He wasn’t about to leave just yet. He followed her inside and turned on a few lights as they walked in. Entering the kitchen, he dropped her keys on the counter. Elliot said nothing about the empty bottles of vodka he saw in the sink, nor did he make it known that he noticed the two other empty bottles on the coffee table in her living room. What Olivia had done the day before while she believed Alex to be dead was in the past. There would be a whole new set of repercussions now, and there was no telling what Olivia might do to deal with it. He hoped that it would get easier; there was the chance that Alex could come home. Not to mention, Alex was alive. That had to count for something. After joining Olivia in the living room, Elliot slid his hands into his pockets and looked at his partner, studying her to see if she was in any condition to be left alone that night. His fingers curled around the cell phone in his pocket, mentally going over what he’d say to Kathy when he told her he wouldn’t be coming home.
Olivia had made it into the living room on her own. She was standing in the middle of the room with her arms around herself. Whether she was hugging herself or bracing herself up was something only Olivia knew. It was probably a little bit of both. Her expression was vacant. Though on the inside she was still completely shattered from Alex’s departure, she simply didn’t have the strength to cry anymore that night. Internally there was still a storm brewing, but her body couldn’t take anymore emotional outbursts. Olivia closed her eyes for a moment, but quickly regretted it as all she could see was Alex laying on the sidewalk in a pool of blood. Reopening them, she let her gaze flicker up to the ceiling. She could feel Elliot’s eyes on her. “Elliot, go home to Kathy,” she said quietly.
Elliot looked down at the floor, setting his jaw. He didn’t really want to go home, and he didn’t think leaving Olivia alone was a good idea either. He also recalled the last time he argued with her over this same subject, she became furious with him. While he wasn’t afraid to argue with Olivia, he was afraid of what arguing might do to her. Never once in their partnership had he ever seen Olivia look fragile. “The funeral’s tomorrow afternoon,” he said, his tone calm. “Are you going to be able to pull it together by then?”
“Yes.”
Elliot nodded, though he didn’t think she saw it. “I’ll pick you up.”
It was Olivia’s turn to nod.
Elliot turned to leave, but paused halfway to the door. He looked back at her. “Alex is alive, Liv,” he said. “Surely you’ve got to find some sort of solace in that. You might not see it now, but it’s there.” He received no response, and did not expect to. Elliot nodded to himself, then left the apartment.
Olivia stood in silence for several minutes after he left. She didn't know what to do with herself. When she finally did move, she wandered the apartment aimlessly. She took out the teabags to make tea, but didn't turn on the stove to boil the water. She turned on the television but left the room after dropping the remote on the couch. She avoided walking into the bedroom as long as she could, but her apartment wasn't very big and soon it was the only place left for her to wander into.
At first, she just stood in the doorway looking into the darkened room. Olivia didn't turn on any lights, as she knew the layout of the room. The bed was not made, as she hadn't done any cleaning or straightening since Alex had been shot. As she walked towards the bed, her foot caught on something and she stumbled forward. Looking down, she saw a black stilletto shoe on the floor. Alex, as anal retentive and pristine as she always appeared to be, had a real problem with putting her shoes away. "Damnit, Alex!" Olivia would always yell as she tripped over her shoes frequently. But Alex was not there to call out "Sorry honey!" from the other room, or laugh and flash a wicked smile if they were on their way to bed together when Olivia would clutz out.
Olivia left the shoe and lowered herself onto her bed. It was cold, so she got under the covers and curled up on her side. On cold nights she would always inch up against Alex's back and absorb the blonde's body heat. Alex would complain that she was a heat sponge, while Olivia would make it up to her in kisses or they would come up with other ways to keep each other warm. She sighed and pulled the pillow Alex's head usually occupied into her arms. She could smell Alex's shampoo and perfume embedded in the fabric. But the pillow wasn't as soft as her blonde hair. Olivia kissed the pillow the way she would kiss between Alex's shoulderblades during the night, but it didn't taste like Alex's skin. Nothing could replace the ADA. Alexandra Cabot was one of a kind.
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The engine of the patrol car was humming while the vehicle was resting in its parking place. Elliot and Olivia were sitting side by side in the car, and had been for twelve minutes and counting. They were outside the church where countless members of Manhattan's high society as well as a fair amount of judges and well-known attorneys were filing in. The funeral for Alexandra Cabot was a widely known event. Even those who had not been asked to attend the service stood outside to pay their respects. Elliot saw Cragen walking in with Fin and Munch and nudged Olivia a little. "You want to get out of here?" He asked. He still wasn't sure his partner was ready for this.
"You heard Hammond. We're expected to be there," Olivia replied.
"Okay, because, you know that means we have to get out of the car."
Olivia clenched her jaw and sat very still for another minute, not answering him. She was in no mood to banter with Elliot. Without another word, she got out of the car and shut the door. Elliot followed and the two of them walked into the church together where they soon joined their colleagues. Flowers were everywhere. Casablanca lillies.. Olivia thought as they passed a floral arrangement near the front entrance. Those were Alex's favorite. There was still a little time before the service was set to start, allowing those who had come time to mingle a little. There was a large crowd centered in one area near the front of the church generating the most noise.
"Alex's mother is over there," Cragen explained. "She spoke to us when we came in."
Olivia had wandered away from the male detectives by then. She'd followed the lillies up the front aisle of the church. Without realizing it she'd walked up to the closed casket. Her eyes widened a bit and immediately filled to the brim with tears. She knew Alex wasn't inside, but the idea that she was at her lover's funeral was too much. She lifted a hand and touched a soft petal of one of the lillies scattered over the casket.
"Did you know Alexandra well?"
A voice coming from someone suddenly standing next to her snapped Olivia out of the trance she'd been in since entering the church. "I.. I.." she stammered, unable to find her voice for a second.
"I'm her mother, Celia Cabot."
By the grace of some higher being, Olivia managed to compose herself. This was Alex's mother. The woman Alex would go to visit up state once a month. Alex hadn't really spoken much about her mother to Olivia, and Olivia just assumed it was because she thought it was a sensitive subject given her relationship with her own mother. Did Celia know about their relationship? Obviously Alex had never shown her a picture, but that didn't mean anything.
"I'm.. Olivia Benson," she said.
"Oh, so you're Olivia," Celia said, a small smile coming to her lips. "You're one of the detectives Alexandra worked with. She's told me a lot about you."
"Oh? Did she?" Olivia played dumb, not wanting to reveal more than what Alex may or may not have said.
"Yes, she spoke very highly of you, Detective."
Olivia smiled a little. She was still unaware of the extent of what Celia knew, but she'd continue to play the fool for the time being. Now wasn't exactly the time to reveal her daughter was a lesbian if the older woman didn't already know. "I'm so sorry for your loss, Mrs. Cabot," she said softly, genuinely.
Celia nodded. She had been doing very well to remain composed and kept from crying too much in front of her peers. It was difficult for her; she was doing it by herself as her husband had died a few years past and Alex was an only child. "Thank you," she said. "I wish that I could have seen her more often. I know how busy she was but I-- well, there never seems to be enough time for family. And I.. you never.. you never think you're going to out live your child."
Olivia saw that Celia was on the verge of breaking and slowly reached over to touch her shoulder, to offer her strength. She felt Celia return the gesture by placing her hand on top of Olivia's. Her heart broke for Alex's mother. She wished she could tell her that Alex wasn't in the casket, that Alex was alive and that there was a possibility she could come home one day. "The flowers look beautiful," she said, aiding in shifting the conversation elsewhere.
"Thank you," she said. "When I received the news, the FBI agent that came to my home said that the arrangements would be taken care of in full. That wasn't necessary, but I knew I would not be able to handle planning this on my own."
Olivia nodded. She looked up to see everyone taking their seats. It was time for the service to begin. "I better go find my seat with the other detectives," she said, looking towards the back where Elliot was lowering into a row beside Cragen and the others.
"Detective Benson..?" Celia looked up at Olivia with tear-filled eyes.
"Please, call me Olivia."
Celia nodded. "I'd really like it if you took a seat next to me up front, Olivia."
Title: Somewhere Out There (chapter seven)
Rating: PG for a curse word or two.
Olivia wasn’t sure how they got back to her apartment. She did not remember the car ride. After her emotional breakdown she’d cried herself sick and Elliot had to help her back to the car. She’d tried to stop crying, but every time she closed her eyes she saw the flashing lights of the cars as they drove Alex away and out of her life. Each time she thought she had her emotions under control, she’d burst into tears again. This whole situation felt like a nightmare, but the pain in Olivia’s heart told her it was all too real.
When they arrived at her apartment, Elliot opened the car door for her and found he still had to brace her as they walked. Olivia had worn herself out from all the crying and was completely exhausted. He aided her in their walk inside the building and into the elevator. They rode in silence up to her floor, where he walked at her side to her door. “Do you have your keys?”
Olivia nodded and pulled them out of the pocket of her trench coat. “I’ll be fine,” she finally said, her voice choked from all the crying.
“Yeah, right,” Elliot said. He wasn’t about to leave just yet. He followed her inside and turned on a few lights as they walked in. Entering the kitchen, he dropped her keys on the counter. Elliot said nothing about the empty bottles of vodka he saw in the sink, nor did he make it known that he noticed the two other empty bottles on the coffee table in her living room. What Olivia had done the day before while she believed Alex to be dead was in the past. There would be a whole new set of repercussions now, and there was no telling what Olivia might do to deal with it. He hoped that it would get easier; there was the chance that Alex could come home. Not to mention, Alex was alive. That had to count for something. After joining Olivia in the living room, Elliot slid his hands into his pockets and looked at his partner, studying her to see if she was in any condition to be left alone that night. His fingers curled around the cell phone in his pocket, mentally going over what he’d say to Kathy when he told her he wouldn’t be coming home.
Olivia had made it into the living room on her own. She was standing in the middle of the room with her arms around herself. Whether she was hugging herself or bracing herself up was something only Olivia knew. It was probably a little bit of both. Her expression was vacant. Though on the inside she was still completely shattered from Alex’s departure, she simply didn’t have the strength to cry anymore that night. Internally there was still a storm brewing, but her body couldn’t take anymore emotional outbursts. Olivia closed her eyes for a moment, but quickly regretted it as all she could see was Alex laying on the sidewalk in a pool of blood. Reopening them, she let her gaze flicker up to the ceiling. She could feel Elliot’s eyes on her. “Elliot, go home to Kathy,” she said quietly.
Elliot looked down at the floor, setting his jaw. He didn’t really want to go home, and he didn’t think leaving Olivia alone was a good idea either. He also recalled the last time he argued with her over this same subject, she became furious with him. While he wasn’t afraid to argue with Olivia, he was afraid of what arguing might do to her. Never once in their partnership had he ever seen Olivia look fragile. “The funeral’s tomorrow afternoon,” he said, his tone calm. “Are you going to be able to pull it together by then?”
“Yes.”
Elliot nodded, though he didn’t think she saw it. “I’ll pick you up.”
It was Olivia’s turn to nod.
Elliot turned to leave, but paused halfway to the door. He looked back at her. “Alex is alive, Liv,” he said. “Surely you’ve got to find some sort of solace in that. You might not see it now, but it’s there.” He received no response, and did not expect to. Elliot nodded to himself, then left the apartment.
Olivia stood in silence for several minutes after he left. She didn't know what to do with herself. When she finally did move, she wandered the apartment aimlessly. She took out the teabags to make tea, but didn't turn on the stove to boil the water. She turned on the television but left the room after dropping the remote on the couch. She avoided walking into the bedroom as long as she could, but her apartment wasn't very big and soon it was the only place left for her to wander into.
At first, she just stood in the doorway looking into the darkened room. Olivia didn't turn on any lights, as she knew the layout of the room. The bed was not made, as she hadn't done any cleaning or straightening since Alex had been shot. As she walked towards the bed, her foot caught on something and she stumbled forward. Looking down, she saw a black stilletto shoe on the floor. Alex, as anal retentive and pristine as she always appeared to be, had a real problem with putting her shoes away. "Damnit, Alex!" Olivia would always yell as she tripped over her shoes frequently. But Alex was not there to call out "Sorry honey!" from the other room, or laugh and flash a wicked smile if they were on their way to bed together when Olivia would clutz out.
Olivia left the shoe and lowered herself onto her bed. It was cold, so she got under the covers and curled up on her side. On cold nights she would always inch up against Alex's back and absorb the blonde's body heat. Alex would complain that she was a heat sponge, while Olivia would make it up to her in kisses or they would come up with other ways to keep each other warm. She sighed and pulled the pillow Alex's head usually occupied into her arms. She could smell Alex's shampoo and perfume embedded in the fabric. But the pillow wasn't as soft as her blonde hair. Olivia kissed the pillow the way she would kiss between Alex's shoulderblades during the night, but it didn't taste like Alex's skin. Nothing could replace the ADA. Alexandra Cabot was one of a kind.
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The engine of the patrol car was humming while the vehicle was resting in its parking place. Elliot and Olivia were sitting side by side in the car, and had been for twelve minutes and counting. They were outside the church where countless members of Manhattan's high society as well as a fair amount of judges and well-known attorneys were filing in. The funeral for Alexandra Cabot was a widely known event. Even those who had not been asked to attend the service stood outside to pay their respects. Elliot saw Cragen walking in with Fin and Munch and nudged Olivia a little. "You want to get out of here?" He asked. He still wasn't sure his partner was ready for this.
"You heard Hammond. We're expected to be there," Olivia replied.
"Okay, because, you know that means we have to get out of the car."
Olivia clenched her jaw and sat very still for another minute, not answering him. She was in no mood to banter with Elliot. Without another word, she got out of the car and shut the door. Elliot followed and the two of them walked into the church together where they soon joined their colleagues. Flowers were everywhere. Casablanca lillies.. Olivia thought as they passed a floral arrangement near the front entrance. Those were Alex's favorite. There was still a little time before the service was set to start, allowing those who had come time to mingle a little. There was a large crowd centered in one area near the front of the church generating the most noise.
"Alex's mother is over there," Cragen explained. "She spoke to us when we came in."
Olivia had wandered away from the male detectives by then. She'd followed the lillies up the front aisle of the church. Without realizing it she'd walked up to the closed casket. Her eyes widened a bit and immediately filled to the brim with tears. She knew Alex wasn't inside, but the idea that she was at her lover's funeral was too much. She lifted a hand and touched a soft petal of one of the lillies scattered over the casket.
"Did you know Alexandra well?"
A voice coming from someone suddenly standing next to her snapped Olivia out of the trance she'd been in since entering the church. "I.. I.." she stammered, unable to find her voice for a second.
"I'm her mother, Celia Cabot."
By the grace of some higher being, Olivia managed to compose herself. This was Alex's mother. The woman Alex would go to visit up state once a month. Alex hadn't really spoken much about her mother to Olivia, and Olivia just assumed it was because she thought it was a sensitive subject given her relationship with her own mother. Did Celia know about their relationship? Obviously Alex had never shown her a picture, but that didn't mean anything.
"I'm.. Olivia Benson," she said.
"Oh, so you're Olivia," Celia said, a small smile coming to her lips. "You're one of the detectives Alexandra worked with. She's told me a lot about you."
"Oh? Did she?" Olivia played dumb, not wanting to reveal more than what Alex may or may not have said.
"Yes, she spoke very highly of you, Detective."
Olivia smiled a little. She was still unaware of the extent of what Celia knew, but she'd continue to play the fool for the time being. Now wasn't exactly the time to reveal her daughter was a lesbian if the older woman didn't already know. "I'm so sorry for your loss, Mrs. Cabot," she said softly, genuinely.
Celia nodded. She had been doing very well to remain composed and kept from crying too much in front of her peers. It was difficult for her; she was doing it by herself as her husband had died a few years past and Alex was an only child. "Thank you," she said. "I wish that I could have seen her more often. I know how busy she was but I-- well, there never seems to be enough time for family. And I.. you never.. you never think you're going to out live your child."
Olivia saw that Celia was on the verge of breaking and slowly reached over to touch her shoulder, to offer her strength. She felt Celia return the gesture by placing her hand on top of Olivia's. Her heart broke for Alex's mother. She wished she could tell her that Alex wasn't in the casket, that Alex was alive and that there was a possibility she could come home one day. "The flowers look beautiful," she said, aiding in shifting the conversation elsewhere.
"Thank you," she said. "When I received the news, the FBI agent that came to my home said that the arrangements would be taken care of in full. That wasn't necessary, but I knew I would not be able to handle planning this on my own."
Olivia nodded. She looked up to see everyone taking their seats. It was time for the service to begin. "I better go find my seat with the other detectives," she said, looking towards the back where Elliot was lowering into a row beside Cragen and the others.
"Detective Benson..?" Celia looked up at Olivia with tear-filled eyes.
"Please, call me Olivia."
Celia nodded. "I'd really like it if you took a seat next to me up front, Olivia."