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I'm going to be out of town at my mother's house for Thanksgiving and I'm not sure if I'll have time to post while I'm there, so I thought I'd get the next chapter up. It's a little long, but a lot had to happen in this part so I apologize for the length! I want to thank everyone who has been reading and leaving me feedback. It really encourages me to keep going, and very glad to have started posting at all. So thank you all very much!
Title: Somewhere Out There (chapter six)
Rating: Mild R for language and alcoholic references.
This chapter contains major Loss spoilers.
The drive to Olivia’s apartment was made in silence. Elliot wanted to offer solace to Olivia, but he’d never been good with words and neither had she. Not only that, but there was nothing that he could say to make the situation better. Alex was gone, and Olivia was going to feel alone again. He wanted to be there for her, as she’d always been there for him, but what could he do? She wasn’t crying, she wasn’t yelling, she was just sitting there in the car staring out the front window. When her mother died she hadn’t said much either, but Elliot knew that Alex’s death must’ve hit a deeper nerve. What was worse was the fact that since Olivia wasn’t talking about it or expressing any sort of emotion, he couldn’t either. Elliot wanted to punch a wall, take out his frustrations somehow. But he didn’t want to do or say anything that could send Olivia over the edge; just one look at his partner told him it wouldn’t take much at this point. Despite her silent and seemingly numb exterior, it was painfully obvious she was about to break. Her eyes were still filled with tears that she was stubbornly clinging to. Her jaw was set firmly but every now and then if he managed to sneak a glance at her out of the corner of his eye he could see her lip quiver. Why was she trying to put on a brave face now? He could understand her actions at the hospital, but now that they were away, he didn’t see why she was still holding it in.
The two detectives walked up to Olivia’s apartment after Elliot parked the car on the street in front of the building. Olivia had not invited him up but at this point he wasn’t ready to leave her alone. She did not stop him, so when she unlocked her door he followed her in. Olivia threw her keys on the kitchen table as she slowly made her way into the room. Her feet felt like they each weighed two tons. She turned the light on and squinted her eyes from the sudden brightness. Going through the motions of her usual routine, Olivia removed her coat and set it on the back of one of the chairs in the kitchen. She could see the dark stains of dried blood on the sleeves of the coat.
“I’ll make you some tea.” Elliot’s voice barely reached Olivia, despite being only a few feet ahead of him. She did not respond to him. Her eyes scanned her coat. There was blood all over the front of it, too. “Do you want anything to eat?” Again, she ignored him. She stopped looking at her coat to examine her pants. Blood. Her shirt. Blood. “You like honey in your tea, don’t you?” Olivia lifted her hands and turned them palm side up. She’d tried so hard to keep the life within Alex with those hands, but it hadn’t been enough. “Hey, why don’t you get cleaned up? I’ll have something made for you by the time you’re done.” Elliot’s words were all running together. She could barely understand him. “Your fridge is emptier than Munch’s, but I can find something.”
“Elliot.”
Elliot whipped his head around from looking inside the refrigerator. It was the first time she’d spoken since they left the hospital. He barely recognized her voice. It sounded so broken, so lost. Even though she’d only said his name, her tone was one he’d never heard before. He’d seen her in what he’d thought were her darkest moments, and she’d never sounded like that. He closed the refrigerator door and closed the gap between them. Maybe she was ready to break, now. Maybe she’d let down the barriers she’d put up around herself. “Yeah?” He looked down at her and prepared himself for the emotional outpour he was certain was to follow.
“Go home.”
She was shutting him out. Elliot’s brow furrowed as he watched her. She wasn’t even looking at him even though they were facing each other. She was looking through him as if he wasn’t there. He felt helpless and angry, even hurt that she wasn’t confiding in him. Was this how she felt when he kept things from her? That last thought was difficult for him to process, but very eye-opening all the same. Elliot watched as she turned from him and opened one of the cabinets beneath the sink. “Liv,” his tone was cautious as she pulled a bottle of vodka out of the cabinet and raised back up.
“Go home.”
“Olivia, I really think-“
Olivia slammed the shot glass she’d just gotten out down on the counter next to the bottle. “Look, this is how I’m going to deal with it. And you’re going to go home and do what you always do. Shut out your wife and kids and brood in silence. So skip the pity party and just get the fuck out,” she said. Even she didn’t recognize her voice that time. Her body shook a little from the bitter cold tone she’d spoken in. Elliot didn’t deserve to be treated like that, and that was why she needed him to leave.
Elliot stood there, stunned. She’d been mad at him before, but never downright mean. He knew she was grieving, but that had really hurt. He set his jaw, same as she had in the car before, and nodded. Taking a step back, he pulled his coat back on and slid his hands into his pockets. “You’re not going to find solace at the bottom of that bottle, Olivia.” He left it at that, not bothering with any ‘like mother like daughter’ comments, though he felt she deserved it for her cutting jab at him. He took one last look at her as she started filling her shot glass, shook his head, and left. The only reason he’d allowed himself to leave was because she was functioning. Even if she’d been cruel, it was at least something. Any emotion at all was better than nothing. Her numbness in the car had frightened him far worse than her outburst.
When the door shut, Olivia shut her eyes and took her first shot. She felt the vodka burn her throat as it went down, but it wasn’t enough. Olivia ditched the shot glass and picked up the bottle, then made her way into the living room. She didn’t feel bad for bitching at Elliot, even though she knew she shouldn’t have. She could feel bad about that later. At the moment she didn’t want to feel anything except for the burn in the back of her throat from the vodka she was consuming. Is this how you dealt with pain, Mom? she thought bitterly as she began her night of drowning her sorrows in the deliciously painful substance.
-------
White. That was all that Alex saw as her eyes blinked several times, trying to focus. There was a dull ache throbbing in her shoulder and arm. She felt loopy, like she’d been drugged. Her eyes left the bright ceiling to glance to the side, seeing an IV dripping into a tube that was connected to her hand. There was a faint beep beside her. It was what had awakened her; Alex had heard it as the alarm clock she and Olivia had taken turns throwing against the wall in the morning. But this wasn’t an alarm clock. It was a heart monitor. Alex parted her lips to speak, but another voice beat her to it.
“You were shot.” It was Hammond. He’d noticed her wake up and came to stand by her bed. There were three other agents in the room who Alex did not recognize, as well as a man in a white coat who she assumed was her doctor. “You’re dead, but alive.”
“Huh..what..?” Alex still was trying to get a grasp of being conscious, and Hammond was talking in riddles. “What did you say?”
“Alexandra Cabot is dead, but you, are still alive.” Hammond took a seat next to her bed and looked her over. “Do you remember what happened?”
Alex frowned, thinking back to the last thing she remembered. They were at the bar, talking. Munch and Fin were bantering about riding to work together the next day. No, she remembered more than that. She and Olivia were going to walk home together before she went on patrol with Elliot that night. There was more to it than that. Alex closed her eyes. She saw a gun aimed at her heart. She heard the deafening sound of the bullet. She felt her head crack against the sidewalk. She saw Olivia hovering over her, felt the pain as the detective squeezed her shoulder to stop the bleeding. She heard Olivia’s voice. It’s okay Sweetheart. She was pleading with her. Look at me.. Look at me..! Olivia was crying. Alex had tried to answer, but the wind had been knocked from her; she could not speak.
“I got shot.” Alex remained as calm as she could, though she was inwardly feeling a panic attack coming on. “And what do you mean I’m dead?”
“An attempt was made on your life, Ms. Cabot,” Hammond said. “Cesar Valez won’t stop until you’re dead. Making everyone believe you are dead is the only way to keep you alive. Do you understand?”
Alex did understand. But that didn’t mean she believed what she was hearing. “You.. You mean..” she could barely find her voice. “Witness protection? You can’t be serious.”
“Ms. Cabot,” Hammond was clearly annoyed. This woman had caused him more grief than he wished to recall. He hadn’t expected her to accept the idea of witness protection very easily, but she didn’t have a choice. “When Valez is extradited, you can return to New York City as Alexandra Cabot. But for the time being, we can’t risk your safety, or anyone else’s. They targeted you. If they find out you’re alive, they could go after your mother, or any number of your relatives, friends, colleagues, your boyfriend if you have one. Until Valez is in custody, you have to remain under the radar if you want to stay alive, and if you want your loved ones safe.”
Alex’s head was spinning. The combination of pain medication and Hammond’s explanation were making her feel sick to her stomach and very dizzy. But what he said had left her no options except to go along with it. She didn’t want her mother, Olivia, or anyone else she knew to be in danger. “I have one condition.”
Hammond raised an eyebrow. This wasn’t a bargaining matter. She didn’t have a choice. Morbid curiosity made him humor her. “What’s that?”
“You have to let me tell Detective Stabler and Detective Benson goodbye.”
“What?!” Hammond stared at her like she was nuts. “You’re kidding me. That’s the point of putting you in witness protection. So no one knows where you are!”
“I’m not going to tell them where you’re sending me. I just.. I want them to know I’m alive. They need to know.”
------
Elliot found the desk across from his empty the following day, and he wasn’t surprised. Neither were Cragen, Munch or Fin for that matter. They hadn’t been expecting Olivia to show up, but that didn’t mean they didn’t worry for her state of mind. Elliot did not tell them about how Olivia had acted at her apartment, because he didn’t want to talk about his partner behind her back. They carried on as best they could for the rest of the day, but every now and then Elliot tried calling Olivia to make sure she was still functioning. His efforts were futile; calls to her cell phone went straight to voicemail, and apparently she’d taken the phone off the hook at her apartment. He didn’t go back over to her apartment after work that day, because it was obvious that she wanted to be left alone. He knew she’d come around. Olivia had faced a life time of tragedies and let downs, and she always bounced back. Elliot just hoped this particular tragedy wasn’t too much for Olivia to handle by herself.
The following day when Elliot walked into the SVU squad room, he found Olivia already there sitting at her desk. She wasn’t doing anything, but at least she’d made it in to work. He walked towards his desk, stopping to stand next to Olivia. “Here,” he said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a gold object. It was Alex’s ADA badge. After leaving Olivia’s, Elliot had gone back to the crime scene and found Alex’s suit jacket on the ground, her badge inside one of the pockets. He set it on her desk, then sat down at his. Olivia looked at it, and her jaw clenched. She remained silent. Not long after, the room began to fill up as everyone started arriving to work. Munch and Fin took their seats, Cragen was busy in his office. Someone came back with a stack of that morning’s paper, dropping one on Elliot’s desk.
No New Leads on Slain ADA
Despite all the busy work being dealt with around them, the four detectives were uncharacteristically stoic and silent. Munch wasn’t making sarcastic remarks for Fin to retort back to. Elliot tapped his pen to no beat in particular, while Olivia just stared blankly. He started to move the paper off his desk so no one would have to see it, but he caught a spark in Olivia’s gaze that told him to leave it there. He ceased his movement. Olivia’s eyes then flickered down to the badge resting on her desk.
From inside his office, Cragen watched the detectives with great concern. The loss of their ADA had really shaken all of them. He let his gaze fall on Olivia, whom he knew to have taken it the hardest. When her mother passed, she’d wanted to go right back to work. It was how she dealt with it. He didn’t know if it would work again, but it was all he knew to do in order to get his detectives back into some sort of normalcy. A normalcy that he needed, too. He didn’t show it as much, but losing Alex was painful for him, too. She was part of the team, and without her it just didn’t feel the same. Cragen forced himself back into Captain mode, opened the door to his office and cleared his throat to get their attention.
“We get a trial date on that Richmond case?” He asked.
“It’s postponed,” Olivia replied. Everyone was shocked that she was the first to speak up. Her tone was a little robotic, but it was the best she could do at the moment.
“We’re gonna lose that witness. She was shaky to begin with,” Cragen said, feeling more and more like himself again as the irritation returned to his voice.
“Well, nothing we can do,” Elliot complained, joining in. “You got SVU cases being handled by ADAs in other bureaus. They don’t give a damn.”
Cragen took a note handed to him by a lackey making his way through the room. He unfolded it and read it, scoffing and shaking his head at the contents. “Well isn’t that nice?” He said, holding it up.
“What?” Munch piped up.
“Rafael Zapata Gaviria was found dead in a holding cell awaiting a hearing,” Cragen said. “No witnesses.”
Olivia looked up at her captain. Zapata was dead? During her day away from the unit, she’d spent a good amount of time thinking about putting a bullet through Zapata’s head, or better yet, through his heart so he could feel a fraction of the pain she felt inside. Yet somehow hearing of his death did nothing for her, at all. It didn’t bring Alex back. Cesar Valez wouldn’t be prosecuted. Zapata’s death left her feeling worse than she had before.
“DEA Hammond wants to see you guys tonight,” Cragen said to Elliot and Olivia.
“What for?”
Cragen shrugged. “Something about closing the case.”
The rest of the day went by painfully slow. They worked on the Richmond case, comforting the witness and hounding the ADA that was supposed to be handling the trial. None of them really spoke to each other unless it was about work. Mostly because they could sense Olivia was still a ticking time bomb. When would it be okay to talk about Alex? None of them knew and none of them dared to press the issue. At the end of the day, Elliot grabbed the car keys to the patrol car he and Olivia shared and put on his coat. Olivia put hers on as well and nodded to him, indicating she was ready to go.
Elliot looked at the address while driving. He had no idea why Hammond would want to meet them out in the middle of nowhere, but after dealing with that man for the amount of time they’d had to, he figured it best to just go with it. Olivia was still quiet as they drove. The two opted not to engage in superficial small talk. Things were still rocky between them after the incident at Olivia’s apartment, and neither of them wanted to bring that up. Olivia was not ready to apologize, and Elliot didn’t feel like fishing for one. He saw Hammond’s car parked ahead of them, a dark SUV and another car in front of it. What in the world was this about? He parked their car and got out, Olivia following suit. They walked to Hammond as he got out of his car.
“Nice location,” Elliot said sarcastically. “Convenient.”
“Sorry, only way to do this,” Hammond replied. His tone was short and irritated, as always.
“Do what?” Olivia asked. She wasn’t exactly happy to see him.
“Wouldn’t take no for an answer,” Hammond led them to the black SUV. “Real pain in the ass, this one.”
Another agent opened the backseat door to the SUV, and the vision inside stunned Elliot and Olivia into complete silence and utter shock. Arm in a sling, hair pulled up in a ponytail, a somber look on her face, Alexandra Cabot stepped out of the car. Elliot gaped, his eyes wide and his jaw slack. Olivia could not contain her tears. Two of them slid down her cheeks as she saw the love of her life standing two feet away from her.
When Alex eased herself carefully out of the car, she wasted no time in looking around. Her gaze shot straight to Olivia. She could see the agony written all over her lover’s face. She knew how broken Olivia felt, because she felt the same pain in her own shattered heart. She felt responsible. This was her fault. “I am so sorry about all of this,” she said, her voice just barely above a whisper. The sight of Olivia was enough to make her want to burst into tears.
Olivia felt her chest tightening. It was getting hard to breathe. Her heart was pounding. Tears were streaming. She wasn’t even bothering to try to stop them. Talk to her. Hold her. Kiss her. Anything. Olivia wanted to reach out for Alex, there were a million things she wanted to say. But she could only manage three words. “Your funeral’s tomorrow,” she choked out.
“And you’re both expected to attend,” Hammond said, speaking up. “For the time being Ms. Cabot’s better off dead. If Valez can get to Zapata he can get to her.”
“Witness protection..” Elliot said, still in disbelief that Alex was standing in front of them.
Alex felt her own tears threatening to spill as Hammond spoke about her being “better off dead.” Hearing something like that about oneself was not easy. How could anyone be “better off dead” rather than alive? She was doing everything she could not to fall apart. “Until Valez is extradited or..” she shrugged, “otherwise dealt with.”
Olivia took another step towards Alex. Tell her you love her. Tell her you need her. Tell her you’ll wait for her until the end of time if you have to. Reassure her. She needs you. The tears stung her eyes as they fell. She could feel her knees growing weak. “How long?” She asked, though that wasn’t even remotely close to what she wanted to say.
Alex found she could no longer speak. She started to, but knew she would no longer be able to maintain her composure if she did. Losing it now would only make everything worse. Olivia wasn’t making it any easier, but she knew the detective couldn’t help it. She’d been told Alex was dead, only to find her alive but that they would be separated for who knew how long. Thinking about it only made it that much harder for Alex. All she could do was shrug and blink back the tears that were starting to fall from her own eyes.
“We’re on the move,” one of the agents said.
Alex and Olivia locked eyes. They were only granted those few precious seconds to see each other for what could be forever. Fate was unbelievably cruel not to even allow them a chance to hold each other. Olivia held her gaze with Alex. She was half tempted to jump into the car with her and tell them to take her away, too. Alex wanted to reach out and hug Olivia, kiss her tears away. But something made her back away instead. She knew in her heart if they touched, no one would be able to pry them apart. It took every ounce of willpower Alex had in her body to climb back into the car. She looked to her lover one last time, then nodded to the agent next to the door. He shut it, and they all started to file back into their cars. Olivia was shaking, her lip quivering, tears flowing freely down her face. Engines started, the first car pulled out onto the road. The SUV carrying Alex was next, followed by Hammond in his car.
Olivia watched until the three vehicles were too far away to see. Elliot looked back at her for a second, and could clearly see the devastation on his partner’s face. Olivia stared at the place where Alex had been standing just minutes before. She sucked in a shaky breath, and felt her heart shatter all over again. The weak knees she’d been standing on finally gave and she dropped to the ground. Her hands came up to her face and her body became wracked with heart-wrenching sobs. Elliot immediately knelt by her side and rested his hand against her back. This was the release he’d been expecting from her the night of the shooting, the pain he knew was inside of her that she’d been keeping in for the past two days. He sniffled a little and felt his own eyes grow watery, but he held it together for her sake. Olivia’s cries filled the deserted area, with no sign of stopping anytime soon.
Little did she know that the SUV carrying her girlfriend farther and farther away was filled with the same pained cries as Alex left the life she’d worked so hard to build and the only love she’d ever truly known.
Title: Somewhere Out There (chapter six)
Rating: Mild R for language and alcoholic references.
This chapter contains major Loss spoilers.
The drive to Olivia’s apartment was made in silence. Elliot wanted to offer solace to Olivia, but he’d never been good with words and neither had she. Not only that, but there was nothing that he could say to make the situation better. Alex was gone, and Olivia was going to feel alone again. He wanted to be there for her, as she’d always been there for him, but what could he do? She wasn’t crying, she wasn’t yelling, she was just sitting there in the car staring out the front window. When her mother died she hadn’t said much either, but Elliot knew that Alex’s death must’ve hit a deeper nerve. What was worse was the fact that since Olivia wasn’t talking about it or expressing any sort of emotion, he couldn’t either. Elliot wanted to punch a wall, take out his frustrations somehow. But he didn’t want to do or say anything that could send Olivia over the edge; just one look at his partner told him it wouldn’t take much at this point. Despite her silent and seemingly numb exterior, it was painfully obvious she was about to break. Her eyes were still filled with tears that she was stubbornly clinging to. Her jaw was set firmly but every now and then if he managed to sneak a glance at her out of the corner of his eye he could see her lip quiver. Why was she trying to put on a brave face now? He could understand her actions at the hospital, but now that they were away, he didn’t see why she was still holding it in.
The two detectives walked up to Olivia’s apartment after Elliot parked the car on the street in front of the building. Olivia had not invited him up but at this point he wasn’t ready to leave her alone. She did not stop him, so when she unlocked her door he followed her in. Olivia threw her keys on the kitchen table as she slowly made her way into the room. Her feet felt like they each weighed two tons. She turned the light on and squinted her eyes from the sudden brightness. Going through the motions of her usual routine, Olivia removed her coat and set it on the back of one of the chairs in the kitchen. She could see the dark stains of dried blood on the sleeves of the coat.
“I’ll make you some tea.” Elliot’s voice barely reached Olivia, despite being only a few feet ahead of him. She did not respond to him. Her eyes scanned her coat. There was blood all over the front of it, too. “Do you want anything to eat?” Again, she ignored him. She stopped looking at her coat to examine her pants. Blood. Her shirt. Blood. “You like honey in your tea, don’t you?” Olivia lifted her hands and turned them palm side up. She’d tried so hard to keep the life within Alex with those hands, but it hadn’t been enough. “Hey, why don’t you get cleaned up? I’ll have something made for you by the time you’re done.” Elliot’s words were all running together. She could barely understand him. “Your fridge is emptier than Munch’s, but I can find something.”
“Elliot.”
Elliot whipped his head around from looking inside the refrigerator. It was the first time she’d spoken since they left the hospital. He barely recognized her voice. It sounded so broken, so lost. Even though she’d only said his name, her tone was one he’d never heard before. He’d seen her in what he’d thought were her darkest moments, and she’d never sounded like that. He closed the refrigerator door and closed the gap between them. Maybe she was ready to break, now. Maybe she’d let down the barriers she’d put up around herself. “Yeah?” He looked down at her and prepared himself for the emotional outpour he was certain was to follow.
“Go home.”
She was shutting him out. Elliot’s brow furrowed as he watched her. She wasn’t even looking at him even though they were facing each other. She was looking through him as if he wasn’t there. He felt helpless and angry, even hurt that she wasn’t confiding in him. Was this how she felt when he kept things from her? That last thought was difficult for him to process, but very eye-opening all the same. Elliot watched as she turned from him and opened one of the cabinets beneath the sink. “Liv,” his tone was cautious as she pulled a bottle of vodka out of the cabinet and raised back up.
“Go home.”
“Olivia, I really think-“
Olivia slammed the shot glass she’d just gotten out down on the counter next to the bottle. “Look, this is how I’m going to deal with it. And you’re going to go home and do what you always do. Shut out your wife and kids and brood in silence. So skip the pity party and just get the fuck out,” she said. Even she didn’t recognize her voice that time. Her body shook a little from the bitter cold tone she’d spoken in. Elliot didn’t deserve to be treated like that, and that was why she needed him to leave.
Elliot stood there, stunned. She’d been mad at him before, but never downright mean. He knew she was grieving, but that had really hurt. He set his jaw, same as she had in the car before, and nodded. Taking a step back, he pulled his coat back on and slid his hands into his pockets. “You’re not going to find solace at the bottom of that bottle, Olivia.” He left it at that, not bothering with any ‘like mother like daughter’ comments, though he felt she deserved it for her cutting jab at him. He took one last look at her as she started filling her shot glass, shook his head, and left. The only reason he’d allowed himself to leave was because she was functioning. Even if she’d been cruel, it was at least something. Any emotion at all was better than nothing. Her numbness in the car had frightened him far worse than her outburst.
When the door shut, Olivia shut her eyes and took her first shot. She felt the vodka burn her throat as it went down, but it wasn’t enough. Olivia ditched the shot glass and picked up the bottle, then made her way into the living room. She didn’t feel bad for bitching at Elliot, even though she knew she shouldn’t have. She could feel bad about that later. At the moment she didn’t want to feel anything except for the burn in the back of her throat from the vodka she was consuming. Is this how you dealt with pain, Mom? she thought bitterly as she began her night of drowning her sorrows in the deliciously painful substance.
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White. That was all that Alex saw as her eyes blinked several times, trying to focus. There was a dull ache throbbing in her shoulder and arm. She felt loopy, like she’d been drugged. Her eyes left the bright ceiling to glance to the side, seeing an IV dripping into a tube that was connected to her hand. There was a faint beep beside her. It was what had awakened her; Alex had heard it as the alarm clock she and Olivia had taken turns throwing against the wall in the morning. But this wasn’t an alarm clock. It was a heart monitor. Alex parted her lips to speak, but another voice beat her to it.
“You were shot.” It was Hammond. He’d noticed her wake up and came to stand by her bed. There were three other agents in the room who Alex did not recognize, as well as a man in a white coat who she assumed was her doctor. “You’re dead, but alive.”
“Huh..what..?” Alex still was trying to get a grasp of being conscious, and Hammond was talking in riddles. “What did you say?”
“Alexandra Cabot is dead, but you, are still alive.” Hammond took a seat next to her bed and looked her over. “Do you remember what happened?”
Alex frowned, thinking back to the last thing she remembered. They were at the bar, talking. Munch and Fin were bantering about riding to work together the next day. No, she remembered more than that. She and Olivia were going to walk home together before she went on patrol with Elliot that night. There was more to it than that. Alex closed her eyes. She saw a gun aimed at her heart. She heard the deafening sound of the bullet. She felt her head crack against the sidewalk. She saw Olivia hovering over her, felt the pain as the detective squeezed her shoulder to stop the bleeding. She heard Olivia’s voice. It’s okay Sweetheart. She was pleading with her. Look at me.. Look at me..! Olivia was crying. Alex had tried to answer, but the wind had been knocked from her; she could not speak.
“I got shot.” Alex remained as calm as she could, though she was inwardly feeling a panic attack coming on. “And what do you mean I’m dead?”
“An attempt was made on your life, Ms. Cabot,” Hammond said. “Cesar Valez won’t stop until you’re dead. Making everyone believe you are dead is the only way to keep you alive. Do you understand?”
Alex did understand. But that didn’t mean she believed what she was hearing. “You.. You mean..” she could barely find her voice. “Witness protection? You can’t be serious.”
“Ms. Cabot,” Hammond was clearly annoyed. This woman had caused him more grief than he wished to recall. He hadn’t expected her to accept the idea of witness protection very easily, but she didn’t have a choice. “When Valez is extradited, you can return to New York City as Alexandra Cabot. But for the time being, we can’t risk your safety, or anyone else’s. They targeted you. If they find out you’re alive, they could go after your mother, or any number of your relatives, friends, colleagues, your boyfriend if you have one. Until Valez is in custody, you have to remain under the radar if you want to stay alive, and if you want your loved ones safe.”
Alex’s head was spinning. The combination of pain medication and Hammond’s explanation were making her feel sick to her stomach and very dizzy. But what he said had left her no options except to go along with it. She didn’t want her mother, Olivia, or anyone else she knew to be in danger. “I have one condition.”
Hammond raised an eyebrow. This wasn’t a bargaining matter. She didn’t have a choice. Morbid curiosity made him humor her. “What’s that?”
“You have to let me tell Detective Stabler and Detective Benson goodbye.”
“What?!” Hammond stared at her like she was nuts. “You’re kidding me. That’s the point of putting you in witness protection. So no one knows where you are!”
“I’m not going to tell them where you’re sending me. I just.. I want them to know I’m alive. They need to know.”
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Elliot found the desk across from his empty the following day, and he wasn’t surprised. Neither were Cragen, Munch or Fin for that matter. They hadn’t been expecting Olivia to show up, but that didn’t mean they didn’t worry for her state of mind. Elliot did not tell them about how Olivia had acted at her apartment, because he didn’t want to talk about his partner behind her back. They carried on as best they could for the rest of the day, but every now and then Elliot tried calling Olivia to make sure she was still functioning. His efforts were futile; calls to her cell phone went straight to voicemail, and apparently she’d taken the phone off the hook at her apartment. He didn’t go back over to her apartment after work that day, because it was obvious that she wanted to be left alone. He knew she’d come around. Olivia had faced a life time of tragedies and let downs, and she always bounced back. Elliot just hoped this particular tragedy wasn’t too much for Olivia to handle by herself.
The following day when Elliot walked into the SVU squad room, he found Olivia already there sitting at her desk. She wasn’t doing anything, but at least she’d made it in to work. He walked towards his desk, stopping to stand next to Olivia. “Here,” he said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a gold object. It was Alex’s ADA badge. After leaving Olivia’s, Elliot had gone back to the crime scene and found Alex’s suit jacket on the ground, her badge inside one of the pockets. He set it on her desk, then sat down at his. Olivia looked at it, and her jaw clenched. She remained silent. Not long after, the room began to fill up as everyone started arriving to work. Munch and Fin took their seats, Cragen was busy in his office. Someone came back with a stack of that morning’s paper, dropping one on Elliot’s desk.
No New Leads on Slain ADA
Despite all the busy work being dealt with around them, the four detectives were uncharacteristically stoic and silent. Munch wasn’t making sarcastic remarks for Fin to retort back to. Elliot tapped his pen to no beat in particular, while Olivia just stared blankly. He started to move the paper off his desk so no one would have to see it, but he caught a spark in Olivia’s gaze that told him to leave it there. He ceased his movement. Olivia’s eyes then flickered down to the badge resting on her desk.
From inside his office, Cragen watched the detectives with great concern. The loss of their ADA had really shaken all of them. He let his gaze fall on Olivia, whom he knew to have taken it the hardest. When her mother passed, she’d wanted to go right back to work. It was how she dealt with it. He didn’t know if it would work again, but it was all he knew to do in order to get his detectives back into some sort of normalcy. A normalcy that he needed, too. He didn’t show it as much, but losing Alex was painful for him, too. She was part of the team, and without her it just didn’t feel the same. Cragen forced himself back into Captain mode, opened the door to his office and cleared his throat to get their attention.
“We get a trial date on that Richmond case?” He asked.
“It’s postponed,” Olivia replied. Everyone was shocked that she was the first to speak up. Her tone was a little robotic, but it was the best she could do at the moment.
“We’re gonna lose that witness. She was shaky to begin with,” Cragen said, feeling more and more like himself again as the irritation returned to his voice.
“Well, nothing we can do,” Elliot complained, joining in. “You got SVU cases being handled by ADAs in other bureaus. They don’t give a damn.”
Cragen took a note handed to him by a lackey making his way through the room. He unfolded it and read it, scoffing and shaking his head at the contents. “Well isn’t that nice?” He said, holding it up.
“What?” Munch piped up.
“Rafael Zapata Gaviria was found dead in a holding cell awaiting a hearing,” Cragen said. “No witnesses.”
Olivia looked up at her captain. Zapata was dead? During her day away from the unit, she’d spent a good amount of time thinking about putting a bullet through Zapata’s head, or better yet, through his heart so he could feel a fraction of the pain she felt inside. Yet somehow hearing of his death did nothing for her, at all. It didn’t bring Alex back. Cesar Valez wouldn’t be prosecuted. Zapata’s death left her feeling worse than she had before.
“DEA Hammond wants to see you guys tonight,” Cragen said to Elliot and Olivia.
“What for?”
Cragen shrugged. “Something about closing the case.”
The rest of the day went by painfully slow. They worked on the Richmond case, comforting the witness and hounding the ADA that was supposed to be handling the trial. None of them really spoke to each other unless it was about work. Mostly because they could sense Olivia was still a ticking time bomb. When would it be okay to talk about Alex? None of them knew and none of them dared to press the issue. At the end of the day, Elliot grabbed the car keys to the patrol car he and Olivia shared and put on his coat. Olivia put hers on as well and nodded to him, indicating she was ready to go.
Elliot looked at the address while driving. He had no idea why Hammond would want to meet them out in the middle of nowhere, but after dealing with that man for the amount of time they’d had to, he figured it best to just go with it. Olivia was still quiet as they drove. The two opted not to engage in superficial small talk. Things were still rocky between them after the incident at Olivia’s apartment, and neither of them wanted to bring that up. Olivia was not ready to apologize, and Elliot didn’t feel like fishing for one. He saw Hammond’s car parked ahead of them, a dark SUV and another car in front of it. What in the world was this about? He parked their car and got out, Olivia following suit. They walked to Hammond as he got out of his car.
“Nice location,” Elliot said sarcastically. “Convenient.”
“Sorry, only way to do this,” Hammond replied. His tone was short and irritated, as always.
“Do what?” Olivia asked. She wasn’t exactly happy to see him.
“Wouldn’t take no for an answer,” Hammond led them to the black SUV. “Real pain in the ass, this one.”
Another agent opened the backseat door to the SUV, and the vision inside stunned Elliot and Olivia into complete silence and utter shock. Arm in a sling, hair pulled up in a ponytail, a somber look on her face, Alexandra Cabot stepped out of the car. Elliot gaped, his eyes wide and his jaw slack. Olivia could not contain her tears. Two of them slid down her cheeks as she saw the love of her life standing two feet away from her.
When Alex eased herself carefully out of the car, she wasted no time in looking around. Her gaze shot straight to Olivia. She could see the agony written all over her lover’s face. She knew how broken Olivia felt, because she felt the same pain in her own shattered heart. She felt responsible. This was her fault. “I am so sorry about all of this,” she said, her voice just barely above a whisper. The sight of Olivia was enough to make her want to burst into tears.
Olivia felt her chest tightening. It was getting hard to breathe. Her heart was pounding. Tears were streaming. She wasn’t even bothering to try to stop them. Talk to her. Hold her. Kiss her. Anything. Olivia wanted to reach out for Alex, there were a million things she wanted to say. But she could only manage three words. “Your funeral’s tomorrow,” she choked out.
“And you’re both expected to attend,” Hammond said, speaking up. “For the time being Ms. Cabot’s better off dead. If Valez can get to Zapata he can get to her.”
“Witness protection..” Elliot said, still in disbelief that Alex was standing in front of them.
Alex felt her own tears threatening to spill as Hammond spoke about her being “better off dead.” Hearing something like that about oneself was not easy. How could anyone be “better off dead” rather than alive? She was doing everything she could not to fall apart. “Until Valez is extradited or..” she shrugged, “otherwise dealt with.”
Olivia took another step towards Alex. Tell her you love her. Tell her you need her. Tell her you’ll wait for her until the end of time if you have to. Reassure her. She needs you. The tears stung her eyes as they fell. She could feel her knees growing weak. “How long?” She asked, though that wasn’t even remotely close to what she wanted to say.
Alex found she could no longer speak. She started to, but knew she would no longer be able to maintain her composure if she did. Losing it now would only make everything worse. Olivia wasn’t making it any easier, but she knew the detective couldn’t help it. She’d been told Alex was dead, only to find her alive but that they would be separated for who knew how long. Thinking about it only made it that much harder for Alex. All she could do was shrug and blink back the tears that were starting to fall from her own eyes.
“We’re on the move,” one of the agents said.
Alex and Olivia locked eyes. They were only granted those few precious seconds to see each other for what could be forever. Fate was unbelievably cruel not to even allow them a chance to hold each other. Olivia held her gaze with Alex. She was half tempted to jump into the car with her and tell them to take her away, too. Alex wanted to reach out and hug Olivia, kiss her tears away. But something made her back away instead. She knew in her heart if they touched, no one would be able to pry them apart. It took every ounce of willpower Alex had in her body to climb back into the car. She looked to her lover one last time, then nodded to the agent next to the door. He shut it, and they all started to file back into their cars. Olivia was shaking, her lip quivering, tears flowing freely down her face. Engines started, the first car pulled out onto the road. The SUV carrying Alex was next, followed by Hammond in his car.
Olivia watched until the three vehicles were too far away to see. Elliot looked back at her for a second, and could clearly see the devastation on his partner’s face. Olivia stared at the place where Alex had been standing just minutes before. She sucked in a shaky breath, and felt her heart shatter all over again. The weak knees she’d been standing on finally gave and she dropped to the ground. Her hands came up to her face and her body became wracked with heart-wrenching sobs. Elliot immediately knelt by her side and rested his hand against her back. This was the release he’d been expecting from her the night of the shooting, the pain he knew was inside of her that she’d been keeping in for the past two days. He sniffled a little and felt his own eyes grow watery, but he held it together for her sake. Olivia’s cries filled the deserted area, with no sign of stopping anytime soon.
Little did she know that the SUV carrying her girlfriend farther and farther away was filled with the same pained cries as Alex left the life she’d worked so hard to build and the only love she’d ever truly known.