(no subject)
Since it took me so long to get the previous chapter posted, I worked hard to get this one out quicker than usual. This was a hard chapter to write, but I think it came out the way I wanted it to. When I write canon-based fanfics, I try to stay true to the dialogue as much as possible. However, I did alter a little bit of it in this chapter to make a situation easier to manipulate to my liking. So, here's my next chapter. Thank you for the feedback so far. I always love to hear from you guys!
Title: Somewhere Out There (chapter five)
Rating: PG-13 for language and violence
Olivia was curled up against Alex’s back, spooning the blonde as they lay in bed together. She’d gone home with Alex under the guise of being her protective detail again. It was nearing six in the morning, and she had not slept very much. Olivia knew Alex hadn’t either, but the two had laid in silence most of the night. Every now and then Alex would stroke one of Olivia’s hands while Olivia pressed gentle kisses between Alex’s shoulder blades. When she did, Alex’s back would arch and she would shiver a little from the warm chills it sent down her spine. Olivia loved it when Alex did that, because it gave her an excuse to hold her tighter. Glancing over Alex’s shoulder to the nightstand she could see that the alarm was going to go off in a few minutes. She cuddled up to Alex’s back and nuzzled into her hair, breathing in the sweet lavender scent of Alex’s shampoo. Olivia sighed softly and kissed the back of her head.
“I know why I didn’t sleep,” Alex said softly, keeping her back pressed against Olivia’s front. “But why didn’t you?”
Olivia shrugged, then enveloped Alex further into her arms. “Couldn’t make my mind shut up, I guess.”
Alex seemed satisfied with that answer because she didn’t press it any further. She closed her eyes and tensed a little in Olivia’s arms. She’d been doing that every so often during the night when her mind drifted to her meeting with Branch the day before. They were dropping the Zapata case. He felt that it had gone too far, and too many people had lost their lives. Alex didn’t like the decision, and felt like no one was listening to her. She’d tried to argue her point numerous times since being brought into the case, but it was all futile. Even Olivia didn’t really understand everything. It was so frustrating.
“Sweetheart, you have to let this go. I know you’re upset about Zapata, but other opportunities will present themselves. He’ll mess up again,” Olivia said, nuzzling the back of Alex’s head again. “And the feds might even be able to nab him before he does.”
Alex did not respond right away. Yes, that could be true. But that wasn’t the point. No one understood the point. This was a bigger fight that she was able to end by herself, and Alex knew that. She knew that putting Zapata in prison wouldn’t put an end to the raging violence and illegal activities that drug lords conducted everyday. But Zapata broke the law. He needed to be put away. Cesar Valez was the one who had arranged for Donovan’s car to explode. Whether it was him or Zapata who made the threats against her and her mother was irrelevant. Zapata was the person they were trying to put away. Alex sighed and rolled over onto her other side to face Olivia, putting a stop to her racing thoughts for a minute. She reached up and gently ran her fingers through Olivia’s hair. “You still need a haircut,” she said, smiling.
Olivia scrunched her nose. “I know, I know. Tomorrow.”
“That’s what you said the last time I mentioned it,” Alex teased.
“Yeah, well, why would I want to spend time getting my hair cut when I could spend it here with you?” Olivia leaned in and pecked Alex on the lips. The peck deepened, and soon the two found themselves locked in a deep kiss, arms and legs entwined, wrapped in the sheets. That kiss would’ve blossomed further had it not been for the nagging sound of the alarm clock going off.
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The atmosphere was just like any other bar in the evening. It was crowded and noisy. Colleagues were discussing their day at work, making jabs at each other and their bosses. Cragen, Munch, Fin, Elliot, Olivia and Alex were all at a big table talking about the fate of Rafael Zapata. Earlier in the day Alex had conceded the People’s case, freeing Zapata for only a few short seconds before he was taken back into custody by the feds. Their night out was supposed to be celebratory, but no one really felt like they’d won. Zapata was locked away, but there was an overwhelming sensation of numbness about the entire ordeal. Munch and Fin spoke about how Zapata was going to turn on Cesar Valez to put an end to his reign as a drug lord. Every now and then Munch threw in one of his cynical jabs, which typically were entertaining. But they were lost on the group tonight. The discussion didn’t last much longer; Munch, Fin and Cragen said their goodnights and made their exits.
Elliot turned to watch Alex nursing her drink, looking less than thrilled. He exchanged looks with Olivia, then tried to help the situation. “Look, we had a good run,” he said. “Conviction rates are up. We had to get screwed sometime.”
Olivia perked, trying to lift Alex’s spirits as well. “Cesar Valez can probably do more damage to Zapata now than the justice system ever could,” she said, reaching under the table to lightly rub Alex’s knee. She watched as Alex spoke of how they were fighting a seemingly endless battle. Their small victories weren’t amounting to enough to really count for much in the long run. Sadly, Olivia knew she was right. But that didn’t mean they could give up. If they didn’t fight, then who would?
“We tell ourselves we speak for the victims, but we don’t.” Alex sighed softly. “I just get so sick of it.” She slid her hand over Olivia’s, which was still resting on her knee. Their fingers entwined for a brief moment.
“Alex, we can’t always win,” Elliot said, smiling sadly.
“But that’s just it.” Alex’s smile was equally as sad. “Even when we win, we don’t.” She squeezed Olivia’s hand before releasing it. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.” She stood up and picked her suit jacket up from the back of her chair.
Olivia stood and slid her trench coat on. She and Elliot still had some work to do that night and she wasn’t exactly thrilled about it. She wanted to go home with Alex and make sure she was all right. But they had drawn the short straw between them and Munch and Fin to sit on a suspect from another one of their open rape cases that night. Olivia would not be seeing her girlfriend until the next morning. “Hey El, why don’t you go grab us some coffees and pick me up at Alex’s in twenty,” Olivia suggested as they walked to the door of the bar. At least she’d get to walk Alex home that way.
“Sounds good,” he said, holding the door open for the two women and then joining them on the sidewalk. “Want me to get you a cab?”
“No, it’s not far. We can walk.” Alex said, smiling to Olivia and turning in the direction of her apartment. She wanted to enjoy a casual stroll down the city streets without worrying about a protective detail or stressing out.
Olivia started to follow Alex, but paused. “Hang on, honey. I forgot I have the keys to the car.” Her next movement would prove to haunt her for years to come. It would stay with her every night before going to sleep, it would plague her conscience with guilt, it would be the catalyst for her temper to rage, and it would be something she would never, ever forgive herself for. She turned and hurried to catch up with Elliot to give him the car keys.
“Hey, I’m sorry to be such a buzz kill,” Alex called out to them both.
“Don’t be silly,” Olivia called back, then tossed Elliot the keys.
Bang. Olivia felt the heavy force of Elliot’s arm shoving her down onto the ground. “Get down!” she heard him yell. Bang. Bang. Olivia quickly looked up to see Elliot take off running after a black SUV where she assumed the shots came from. She pushed herself up from the ground. Shit… Alex… Olivia’s head whipped around, praying to whatever powers that be she would find Alex out of harm’s way. No one answered her prayers. No one would for the rest of the night. What she saw was Alex laying on the ground, not moving.
“Alex!” Olivia could feel a knot tying in the pit of her stomach. This wasn’t happening. That wasn’t Alex lying there. This was not real. “No! Nonononononono!” Olivia crawled from where she’d been kneeling to hover over Alex. Maybe she’d just fallen to get out of the way. Was that blood? Oh god.. No.. Olivia looked up to see some of the people from the bar coming out onto the street. “Somebody! Call and ambulance! Call 911 NOW!” she screamed at them. Why weren’t they moving any faster?!
Olivia leaned down and pressed her hand against the wound where blood was seeping from Alex’s shoulder. Alex still wasn’t making any movement or sound. “Alex?” She tried rousing her. “Alex? It’s okay, Alex.” Olivia could see the crystal blue eyes she’d fallen so deeply in love with starting to glass over. “Alex look at me! It’s okay,” she felt tears welling up in her eyes. “It’s okay Sweetheart,” she whispered, fighting them back. “Stay with me, stay with me. Stay with me, Alex.” She could see the blood starting to pool beneath Alex, and knew that the bullet must’ve gone all the way through. Olivia slid her other hand beneath her to try to stop the bleeding from both sides. “They’re coming right now, it’s going to be okay.”
Elliot had returned by this point. The black SUV was long gone. He took one look at the scene and knew the situation was grim. He wanted to help, but all he could do was stand there. He watched as Olivia continued to plea with Alex to stay conscious, to look at her, telling her she was going to be all right. That was something they did to help victims keep morale up even in the darkest of situations, but Elliot knew that Olivia was doing more than just trying to keep Alex awake. She was trying to convince herself that everything was going to be okay. He could only look helplessly at Olivia when she turned to look back at him. The desperation in her eyes would haunt him for a long time.
Olivia was beyond the point of desperation. The blood was everywhere. On her hands, her rings, her coat, her pants, pooled all over the sidewalk. You can’t leave me.. she thought, biting her lip. Frantically, she started to shake Alex as she continued to put pressure on the wounds. “Alex, Alex! Alex!” She whispered, leaning down closer to her. “It’s okay. Look at me!” she begged, no longer able to keep the tears from streaming down her face. “Look at me! Look at me-“ her voice caught in her throat and she could no longer speak. It was then she saw the slightest flicker of life in Alex; their eyes met and she saw Alex part her lips. Sadly, that was as far as it went.
Olivia was not allowed to ride in the ambulance. She and Elliot followed at top speed, using their sirens in order to keep traffic at bay while they trailed the paramedics. Elliot was on his cell phone, calling Cragen to tell him what had happened. At least, she assumed that’s who it was he called. It could’ve been Kathy, it could’ve been anyone. All she could think about Alex. She’ll be okay. She’s too stubborn to give up. She kept drilling those types of thoughts into her head the whole way to the hospital. When they arrived, Olivia didn’t wait for the car to stop before she jumped out and ran inside. Elliot was quick to follow after turning off the car. They didn’t get much further than the nurse’s station in the OR. Even flashing their police badges, they still couldn’t get back to where Alex was.
Elliot was worried about Alex’s condition, but his main focus was the mental state of his partner. He kept his gaze fixed on Olivia. She was shaking, but trying to hide it by pacing and keeping her hands clasped together or shoved into her pockets. She was also covered in Alex’s blood, which couldn’t be good for her state of mind.
“I can’t believe they won’t let us back there,” she said. Her tone of voice wasn’t snappy or desperate, it was just baffled. Olivia was trying to make herself believe this wasn’t real. It couldn’t be, could it? That wasn’t Alex they were operating on. Olivia rubbed fiercely at her eyes, smearing a bit of blood on the side of her face.
Cragen, Munch and Fin arrived not much later. The three of them looked equally as worried. They’d all gotten comfortable in thinking that with Zapata locked away, the immediate threat was gone. They should’ve been on an even higher alert, and because they weren’t, they’d failed to keep Alex safe. Elliot greeted them, but Olivia just continued to pace. The pacing would continue for a long time. Even when one of the others tried to talk to her, Olivia brushed them off or simply did not hear. It would be over two hours before a doctor came out to speak with them.
The expression on the doctor’s face was not all that comforting. Nonetheless, he was greeted by Olivia hurrying up to him for a report. The other detectives followed suit, stopping behind Olivia to wait for the news.
“Were you operating on Alexandra Cabot?” Olivia asked. It was the first coherent thing she’d said since they had arrived.
“Yes, I’m a-“
“How is she? Can we go to see her?” Olivia searched desperately for reassurance that everything was all right. She needed to see Alex, to tell her she loved her, apologize for not being at her side to protect her. She had to be able to tell her that.
“I’m sorry,” the doctor said. He looked a little troubled, like there was something on his mind, but he quickly masked it with a stoic expression. “I’m sorry, detective, she didn’t make it. There was too much blood loss and extensive damage.”
The rest of his explanation fell upon deaf ears. All Olivia heard was, “she didn’t make it.” None of the rest of it mattered. No, this wasn’t her Alex that he was talking about in the past tense. This wasn’t the Alexandra Cabot that she knew and loved. This wasn’t her girlfriend who she’d just been talking to hours before. No, it wasn’t. Olivia turned around to find herself facing Elliot, Munch, Fin, and Cragen. They were all looking at her as if they were waiting for some sort of reaction. But Olivia said nothing. She staggered past them on shaky legs, as if they weren’t even there. Her eyes were filled to the brim with tears, but they did not spill.
The four male detectives exchanged looks of shock. They’d been expecting her to cry, get angry, anything other than what she did. Their small group was the select few that knew the extent of Alex and Olivia’s relationship. Cragen nodded to Elliot to follow Olivia. He knew that leaving Olivia alone was a mistake.
Elliot took off after Olivia, who was heading down the hall. He kept his distance at first, trying to size up her state of mind from observing her motions. She looked like zombie, staggering down the hall.
I need to get home. Alex is waiting for me. She’ll be worried. It was all she could do in order to stay on her feet. Her knees were wobbly and her pace uneven, but telling herself she had to get home was what motivated her to put one foot in front of the other.
“Liv,” Elliot’s voice pierced her train of thought. “Liv, wait a second.”
Olivia did not stop. “I have to get home,” she said, barely recognizing the sound of her own voice. Her tone was choked up, barely above a whisper. “I can’t stay here. Alex is waiting. Alex is-“ Olivia looked down at her hands, her skin stained crimson. She looked herself over, seeing the blood everywhere. She could see Alex lying on the sidewalk all over again. “Alex is-“ No, she’s fine. That wasn’t my Alex he was talking about. Her heart was fighting against her mind. Yes, it was.. The reality hit her as fast as the bullet that took her lover away from her. Olivia stumbled; her knees had given out. Before Elliot could grab her she’d stretched her arm out and braced herself against the wall. She felt him brace her up from the other side, and though she wanted to shove him off of her, she knew she needed his support. “I.. I have to get home, Elliot,” she whispered. “I can’t stay here.”
“I know,” he said quietly, staying calm so as not to draw anymore attention to them than Olivia already had. “Come on.” Keeping a firm grip around her shoulders, Elliot escorted Olivia out of the hospital.
Title: Somewhere Out There (chapter five)
Rating: PG-13 for language and violence
Olivia was curled up against Alex’s back, spooning the blonde as they lay in bed together. She’d gone home with Alex under the guise of being her protective detail again. It was nearing six in the morning, and she had not slept very much. Olivia knew Alex hadn’t either, but the two had laid in silence most of the night. Every now and then Alex would stroke one of Olivia’s hands while Olivia pressed gentle kisses between Alex’s shoulder blades. When she did, Alex’s back would arch and she would shiver a little from the warm chills it sent down her spine. Olivia loved it when Alex did that, because it gave her an excuse to hold her tighter. Glancing over Alex’s shoulder to the nightstand she could see that the alarm was going to go off in a few minutes. She cuddled up to Alex’s back and nuzzled into her hair, breathing in the sweet lavender scent of Alex’s shampoo. Olivia sighed softly and kissed the back of her head.
“I know why I didn’t sleep,” Alex said softly, keeping her back pressed against Olivia’s front. “But why didn’t you?”
Olivia shrugged, then enveloped Alex further into her arms. “Couldn’t make my mind shut up, I guess.”
Alex seemed satisfied with that answer because she didn’t press it any further. She closed her eyes and tensed a little in Olivia’s arms. She’d been doing that every so often during the night when her mind drifted to her meeting with Branch the day before. They were dropping the Zapata case. He felt that it had gone too far, and too many people had lost their lives. Alex didn’t like the decision, and felt like no one was listening to her. She’d tried to argue her point numerous times since being brought into the case, but it was all futile. Even Olivia didn’t really understand everything. It was so frustrating.
“Sweetheart, you have to let this go. I know you’re upset about Zapata, but other opportunities will present themselves. He’ll mess up again,” Olivia said, nuzzling the back of Alex’s head again. “And the feds might even be able to nab him before he does.”
Alex did not respond right away. Yes, that could be true. But that wasn’t the point. No one understood the point. This was a bigger fight that she was able to end by herself, and Alex knew that. She knew that putting Zapata in prison wouldn’t put an end to the raging violence and illegal activities that drug lords conducted everyday. But Zapata broke the law. He needed to be put away. Cesar Valez was the one who had arranged for Donovan’s car to explode. Whether it was him or Zapata who made the threats against her and her mother was irrelevant. Zapata was the person they were trying to put away. Alex sighed and rolled over onto her other side to face Olivia, putting a stop to her racing thoughts for a minute. She reached up and gently ran her fingers through Olivia’s hair. “You still need a haircut,” she said, smiling.
Olivia scrunched her nose. “I know, I know. Tomorrow.”
“That’s what you said the last time I mentioned it,” Alex teased.
“Yeah, well, why would I want to spend time getting my hair cut when I could spend it here with you?” Olivia leaned in and pecked Alex on the lips. The peck deepened, and soon the two found themselves locked in a deep kiss, arms and legs entwined, wrapped in the sheets. That kiss would’ve blossomed further had it not been for the nagging sound of the alarm clock going off.
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The atmosphere was just like any other bar in the evening. It was crowded and noisy. Colleagues were discussing their day at work, making jabs at each other and their bosses. Cragen, Munch, Fin, Elliot, Olivia and Alex were all at a big table talking about the fate of Rafael Zapata. Earlier in the day Alex had conceded the People’s case, freeing Zapata for only a few short seconds before he was taken back into custody by the feds. Their night out was supposed to be celebratory, but no one really felt like they’d won. Zapata was locked away, but there was an overwhelming sensation of numbness about the entire ordeal. Munch and Fin spoke about how Zapata was going to turn on Cesar Valez to put an end to his reign as a drug lord. Every now and then Munch threw in one of his cynical jabs, which typically were entertaining. But they were lost on the group tonight. The discussion didn’t last much longer; Munch, Fin and Cragen said their goodnights and made their exits.
Elliot turned to watch Alex nursing her drink, looking less than thrilled. He exchanged looks with Olivia, then tried to help the situation. “Look, we had a good run,” he said. “Conviction rates are up. We had to get screwed sometime.”
Olivia perked, trying to lift Alex’s spirits as well. “Cesar Valez can probably do more damage to Zapata now than the justice system ever could,” she said, reaching under the table to lightly rub Alex’s knee. She watched as Alex spoke of how they were fighting a seemingly endless battle. Their small victories weren’t amounting to enough to really count for much in the long run. Sadly, Olivia knew she was right. But that didn’t mean they could give up. If they didn’t fight, then who would?
“We tell ourselves we speak for the victims, but we don’t.” Alex sighed softly. “I just get so sick of it.” She slid her hand over Olivia’s, which was still resting on her knee. Their fingers entwined for a brief moment.
“Alex, we can’t always win,” Elliot said, smiling sadly.
“But that’s just it.” Alex’s smile was equally as sad. “Even when we win, we don’t.” She squeezed Olivia’s hand before releasing it. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.” She stood up and picked her suit jacket up from the back of her chair.
Olivia stood and slid her trench coat on. She and Elliot still had some work to do that night and she wasn’t exactly thrilled about it. She wanted to go home with Alex and make sure she was all right. But they had drawn the short straw between them and Munch and Fin to sit on a suspect from another one of their open rape cases that night. Olivia would not be seeing her girlfriend until the next morning. “Hey El, why don’t you go grab us some coffees and pick me up at Alex’s in twenty,” Olivia suggested as they walked to the door of the bar. At least she’d get to walk Alex home that way.
“Sounds good,” he said, holding the door open for the two women and then joining them on the sidewalk. “Want me to get you a cab?”
“No, it’s not far. We can walk.” Alex said, smiling to Olivia and turning in the direction of her apartment. She wanted to enjoy a casual stroll down the city streets without worrying about a protective detail or stressing out.
Olivia started to follow Alex, but paused. “Hang on, honey. I forgot I have the keys to the car.” Her next movement would prove to haunt her for years to come. It would stay with her every night before going to sleep, it would plague her conscience with guilt, it would be the catalyst for her temper to rage, and it would be something she would never, ever forgive herself for. She turned and hurried to catch up with Elliot to give him the car keys.
“Hey, I’m sorry to be such a buzz kill,” Alex called out to them both.
“Don’t be silly,” Olivia called back, then tossed Elliot the keys.
Bang. Olivia felt the heavy force of Elliot’s arm shoving her down onto the ground. “Get down!” she heard him yell. Bang. Bang. Olivia quickly looked up to see Elliot take off running after a black SUV where she assumed the shots came from. She pushed herself up from the ground. Shit… Alex… Olivia’s head whipped around, praying to whatever powers that be she would find Alex out of harm’s way. No one answered her prayers. No one would for the rest of the night. What she saw was Alex laying on the ground, not moving.
“Alex!” Olivia could feel a knot tying in the pit of her stomach. This wasn’t happening. That wasn’t Alex lying there. This was not real. “No! Nonononononono!” Olivia crawled from where she’d been kneeling to hover over Alex. Maybe she’d just fallen to get out of the way. Was that blood? Oh god.. No.. Olivia looked up to see some of the people from the bar coming out onto the street. “Somebody! Call and ambulance! Call 911 NOW!” she screamed at them. Why weren’t they moving any faster?!
Olivia leaned down and pressed her hand against the wound where blood was seeping from Alex’s shoulder. Alex still wasn’t making any movement or sound. “Alex?” She tried rousing her. “Alex? It’s okay, Alex.” Olivia could see the crystal blue eyes she’d fallen so deeply in love with starting to glass over. “Alex look at me! It’s okay,” she felt tears welling up in her eyes. “It’s okay Sweetheart,” she whispered, fighting them back. “Stay with me, stay with me. Stay with me, Alex.” She could see the blood starting to pool beneath Alex, and knew that the bullet must’ve gone all the way through. Olivia slid her other hand beneath her to try to stop the bleeding from both sides. “They’re coming right now, it’s going to be okay.”
Elliot had returned by this point. The black SUV was long gone. He took one look at the scene and knew the situation was grim. He wanted to help, but all he could do was stand there. He watched as Olivia continued to plea with Alex to stay conscious, to look at her, telling her she was going to be all right. That was something they did to help victims keep morale up even in the darkest of situations, but Elliot knew that Olivia was doing more than just trying to keep Alex awake. She was trying to convince herself that everything was going to be okay. He could only look helplessly at Olivia when she turned to look back at him. The desperation in her eyes would haunt him for a long time.
Olivia was beyond the point of desperation. The blood was everywhere. On her hands, her rings, her coat, her pants, pooled all over the sidewalk. You can’t leave me.. she thought, biting her lip. Frantically, she started to shake Alex as she continued to put pressure on the wounds. “Alex, Alex! Alex!” She whispered, leaning down closer to her. “It’s okay. Look at me!” she begged, no longer able to keep the tears from streaming down her face. “Look at me! Look at me-“ her voice caught in her throat and she could no longer speak. It was then she saw the slightest flicker of life in Alex; their eyes met and she saw Alex part her lips. Sadly, that was as far as it went.
Olivia was not allowed to ride in the ambulance. She and Elliot followed at top speed, using their sirens in order to keep traffic at bay while they trailed the paramedics. Elliot was on his cell phone, calling Cragen to tell him what had happened. At least, she assumed that’s who it was he called. It could’ve been Kathy, it could’ve been anyone. All she could think about Alex. She’ll be okay. She’s too stubborn to give up. She kept drilling those types of thoughts into her head the whole way to the hospital. When they arrived, Olivia didn’t wait for the car to stop before she jumped out and ran inside. Elliot was quick to follow after turning off the car. They didn’t get much further than the nurse’s station in the OR. Even flashing their police badges, they still couldn’t get back to where Alex was.
Elliot was worried about Alex’s condition, but his main focus was the mental state of his partner. He kept his gaze fixed on Olivia. She was shaking, but trying to hide it by pacing and keeping her hands clasped together or shoved into her pockets. She was also covered in Alex’s blood, which couldn’t be good for her state of mind.
“I can’t believe they won’t let us back there,” she said. Her tone of voice wasn’t snappy or desperate, it was just baffled. Olivia was trying to make herself believe this wasn’t real. It couldn’t be, could it? That wasn’t Alex they were operating on. Olivia rubbed fiercely at her eyes, smearing a bit of blood on the side of her face.
Cragen, Munch and Fin arrived not much later. The three of them looked equally as worried. They’d all gotten comfortable in thinking that with Zapata locked away, the immediate threat was gone. They should’ve been on an even higher alert, and because they weren’t, they’d failed to keep Alex safe. Elliot greeted them, but Olivia just continued to pace. The pacing would continue for a long time. Even when one of the others tried to talk to her, Olivia brushed them off or simply did not hear. It would be over two hours before a doctor came out to speak with them.
The expression on the doctor’s face was not all that comforting. Nonetheless, he was greeted by Olivia hurrying up to him for a report. The other detectives followed suit, stopping behind Olivia to wait for the news.
“Were you operating on Alexandra Cabot?” Olivia asked. It was the first coherent thing she’d said since they had arrived.
“Yes, I’m a-“
“How is she? Can we go to see her?” Olivia searched desperately for reassurance that everything was all right. She needed to see Alex, to tell her she loved her, apologize for not being at her side to protect her. She had to be able to tell her that.
“I’m sorry,” the doctor said. He looked a little troubled, like there was something on his mind, but he quickly masked it with a stoic expression. “I’m sorry, detective, she didn’t make it. There was too much blood loss and extensive damage.”
The rest of his explanation fell upon deaf ears. All Olivia heard was, “she didn’t make it.” None of the rest of it mattered. No, this wasn’t her Alex that he was talking about in the past tense. This wasn’t the Alexandra Cabot that she knew and loved. This wasn’t her girlfriend who she’d just been talking to hours before. No, it wasn’t. Olivia turned around to find herself facing Elliot, Munch, Fin, and Cragen. They were all looking at her as if they were waiting for some sort of reaction. But Olivia said nothing. She staggered past them on shaky legs, as if they weren’t even there. Her eyes were filled to the brim with tears, but they did not spill.
The four male detectives exchanged looks of shock. They’d been expecting her to cry, get angry, anything other than what she did. Their small group was the select few that knew the extent of Alex and Olivia’s relationship. Cragen nodded to Elliot to follow Olivia. He knew that leaving Olivia alone was a mistake.
Elliot took off after Olivia, who was heading down the hall. He kept his distance at first, trying to size up her state of mind from observing her motions. She looked like zombie, staggering down the hall.
I need to get home. Alex is waiting for me. She’ll be worried. It was all she could do in order to stay on her feet. Her knees were wobbly and her pace uneven, but telling herself she had to get home was what motivated her to put one foot in front of the other.
“Liv,” Elliot’s voice pierced her train of thought. “Liv, wait a second.”
Olivia did not stop. “I have to get home,” she said, barely recognizing the sound of her own voice. Her tone was choked up, barely above a whisper. “I can’t stay here. Alex is waiting. Alex is-“ Olivia looked down at her hands, her skin stained crimson. She looked herself over, seeing the blood everywhere. She could see Alex lying on the sidewalk all over again. “Alex is-“ No, she’s fine. That wasn’t my Alex he was talking about. Her heart was fighting against her mind. Yes, it was.. The reality hit her as fast as the bullet that took her lover away from her. Olivia stumbled; her knees had given out. Before Elliot could grab her she’d stretched her arm out and braced herself against the wall. She felt him brace her up from the other side, and though she wanted to shove him off of her, she knew she needed his support. “I.. I have to get home, Elliot,” she whispered. “I can’t stay here.”
“I know,” he said quietly, staying calm so as not to draw anymore attention to them than Olivia already had. “Come on.” Keeping a firm grip around her shoulders, Elliot escorted Olivia out of the hospital.