May 26, 2008 12:36
i never was adventuresome, but i never thought of myself as domestic either.
during my middle school years, i was lucky to be a part of the expeditionary learning classroom. i had more camping and other outdoor experiences than most 8th graders. i had been to london. i had climbed and repelled down. i had river rafted for four days. i had cross country skiied. for a daughter of a teacher and social worker, that was a lot. for most people in america, that was more than they might ever get to do.
but i don't live where most people live, either. i grew up in clayton and associated with people who were clayton-like. even in high school when i branched out and sought most of my friends from priory and visitiation, the people and the backgrounds didn't change much. we were still well-educated and the discussions centered around more than st. louis and stupid hollywood news. we were always discussing politics, religion, and other worldly topics each time we got together. our life was more than just a collection of stupid sex jokes. as we became juniors and seniors, it was not a question of "if you go to college" but "where will you go?". for most, that meant getting out of st. louis and moving beyond the city that seemed so big and yet so small. after all, there's like 2 degrees of separation here.
for me, shy and always nervous about trying something new, going away to college was necessary but scary. however, northwestern it was and i was excited. i was ready.
four years later, i had changed some. the roller coaster of college had taken so many twists and turns and ups and downs but i had enjoyed the thrill of it all. it was fun. i had gone on some adventures to the great unknown...and it felt good. i came home and felt accomplished.
now, two years later, i'm home and living with my parents for the third year in a row. i'm sitting at the table at blueberry hill, listening to my friend liz tell me about her upcoming year. she's' got two jobs lined up and going to paris for 14 days for one. she's got another job for the summer. she's then going off to new york after that for a masters in french studies. and suddenly my life seems so domestic. so boring. i'm the one in the song by dexter frebish "leaving town" that's saying goodbye to his girlfriend leaving off to "better things" rather than stay in the small town. i'm the friend in the hollywood movies who is married and has 3 kids when the adventuresome-successful girl comes back into her small town in the middle of nowhere and "rediscovers herself". but she's still 100% classier and more good looking than the domestic who has clearly not taken the chances she should have.
whenever anyone comes in town, i feel like that. i can predict the questions, "how's teaching?" or "are you doing aim high this summer?". wow, what an exciting life. the same things every year. ooo, i might take a summer off from aim high. oh, to do the master's thing. okay, more practicalness. no cool trip to chile or europe or backpacking in colorado. i sometimes wonder, is this what i want? am i really happy with my predictable life? the same routine each day? it is certainly comforting - i created the routine for a reason. but a small part of me screams of boredom - of eagerness to break out and DO something different.
however, the question becomes - what? i'm not moving cities - because i do love being near my family. i hate change anyways. i hate change but it's like i still need it. i need to do something and get out of my "safe" self mode. that's why i cant wait to live my own - that will be an adventure! and why i want to live in a loft downtown at least for a couple of years before moving back to the clayton area.
i wish i could go somewhere cool - steve & I go backpacking through europe or even through california. or maybe an east coast trip. there are so many options.
but all those things - there's considerations to be had. there's money and time. neither steve & i have those in abundance right now.
i keep telling myself that when steve gets a job things will be better. we can take more fun trips adventurous places. when i leave hazelwood, i hopefully won't be tied down 10 months of the year so we'll have more time to travel. and move to a loft.
at the end of northwestern, i came back to st. louis happily - after all, my family is here and steve is here too. it was what i wanted more than anything else - to be near to the people most dear to me. but like any choice you make, there are sacrifices. and there is balance. i just hope i can find that balance between my two pulls.