I thought this was supposed to help*
so…i think i might stop with the therapy???
i’ve been thinking about it a lot these past few days and it’s not that i’m a-okay or anything (i mean i don’t even know if i’m all that better and fucked if i know if that’s because of therapy lady or because that’s just how my ups and downs go) but there isn’t a lot of follow-through from one week to the next and what is your plan, therapy lady?! do you even have a plaaaaan? and like it doesn’t feel like i’m working towards anything? it’s all just very reactive to the week i’ve had? and she’ll tell me to think about serious things and then the next time we meet we don’t pick up on those serious things?
and i am running out of money well not really not yet but like i don’t want to burn through all my savings i need that money for things like moving and living and these past four months have sucked out over 1000 euros and that is a lot of expenses without any income and possibly with massive expenses in the future and i hate making money one of the issues because yes yes mental health also important but seriously i can’t spend this amount and still not know what the fuck am i even doing with therapy lady
also she’s always late which pisses me off but that’s no reason to stop (but it irks me all to fuck) and she’s sometimes like well you know moving won’t help things and you know things with your mother won’t ever improve and i just GODDAMNIT I CAN BE PESSIMISTIC ON MY OWN DAMN DIME.
and lately she’s been telling me to do things like tasks and shit and they don’t quite jive with how i am and i understand maybe that’s the point but yeah maybe i don’t actually work better in some random internet cafe or university library (where do i find these magical places?!?) and no it’s not that i’m afraid i’ll get distracted it’s that i wouldn’t feel safe and that would make the hard task even fucking harder and it’s not that i can’t start shit and therefore want to research all the things it’s that i like to be fucking prepared before oh i don’t know sending out unrequested cv’s to people.
so yeah so i don’t think it’s helping all that much? and i don’t know if it has helped i mean sure i’m not hurting myself as much anymore or sobbing uncontrollably or lying pathetically on the floor as much (because yep still having those weeks of mind-numbing despair) having horrible anxiety all up in here (although i still freak out a bit and last monday had to do a little we is going outside or so help me pep-talk so yeah and anyway that was after a week of despair and lethargy and everything is horrible) and dying (not that we’ve addressed these issues)and i’m starting to do things but then that was me last year too remember when i was all researching the uk and imma live in manchester \o/
the only actual new positive thing is that i’m getting on better with my dad. and that was just her saying “yo have lunch with him” and then yeah good things happened. but not because we y’know worked on it.
aaaaand yeah so idk
once a week seems like a lot, especially with no actual plan of attack. or money.
i have no idea what i’m doing yay.
* Common expression
i’ve been thinking about it a lot these past few days and it’s not that i’m a-okay or anything (i mean i don’t even know if i’m all that better and fucked if i know if that’s because of therapy lady or because that’s just how my ups and downs go) but there isn’t a lot of follow-through from one week to the next and what is your plan, therapy lady?! do you even have a plaaaaan? and like it doesn’t feel like i’m working towards anything? it’s all just very reactive to the week i’ve had? and she’ll tell me to think about serious things and then the next time we meet we don’t pick up on those serious things?
and i am running out of money well not really not yet but like i don’t want to burn through all my savings i need that money for things like moving and living and these past four months have sucked out over 1000 euros and that is a lot of expenses without any income and possibly with massive expenses in the future and i hate making money one of the issues because yes yes mental health also important but seriously i can’t spend this amount and still not know what the fuck am i even doing with therapy lady
also she’s always late which pisses me off but that’s no reason to stop (but it irks me all to fuck) and she’s sometimes like well you know moving won’t help things and you know things with your mother won’t ever improve and i just GODDAMNIT I CAN BE PESSIMISTIC ON MY OWN DAMN DIME.
and lately she’s been telling me to do things like tasks and shit and they don’t quite jive with how i am and i understand maybe that’s the point but yeah maybe i don’t actually work better in some random internet cafe or university library (where do i find these magical places?!?) and no it’s not that i’m afraid i’ll get distracted it’s that i wouldn’t feel safe and that would make the hard task even fucking harder and it’s not that i can’t start shit and therefore want to research all the things it’s that i like to be fucking prepared before oh i don’t know sending out unrequested cv’s to people.
so yeah so i don’t think it’s helping all that much? and i don’t know if it has helped i mean sure i’m not hurting myself as much anymore or sobbing uncontrollably or lying pathetically on the floor as much (because yep still having those weeks of mind-numbing despair) having horrible anxiety all up in here (although i still freak out a bit and last monday had to do a little we is going outside or so help me pep-talk so yeah and anyway that was after a week of despair and lethargy and everything is horrible) and dying (not that we’ve addressed these issues)and i’m starting to do things but then that was me last year too remember when i was all researching the uk and imma live in manchester \o/
the only actual new positive thing is that i’m getting on better with my dad. and that was just her saying “yo have lunch with him” and then yeah good things happened. but not because we y’know worked on it.
aaaaand yeah so idk
once a week seems like a lot, especially with no actual plan of attack. or money.
i have no idea what i’m doing yay.
* Common expression