Everything is terrible*
have a semi-coherent ramble about this past month
so i realized i hadn't done a "things accomplished this week" post so i did that and i think you can tell it's not going well. i've basically done fuck all for like two weeks now or hell maybe the whole month.
and okay it's been a wee bit tough. like dad had an operation end of may, and mom's just come hope from a procedure after getting word of a free slot at the hospital on thursday and running off there on friday. so yeah things have been a bit stressed. i'm fine except when trekking across the city for an hour to go visit one parent or other at the hospital, which yay, or when said parent uses me as an emotional punching bag (yay mom).
i'm still upset with mom over yesterday, when i went to visit her after her procedure, and we were having a random talk and then i disagreed with her about some other clinic not being a death trap because it doesn't have 293847 beds and doctors, to which she responded with a thank you for your visit, i honestly wasn't even expecting you to come, kthxbai *ignore mode*
and i was already upset with her for what she'd said the day before, when she'd been all *omg freaking out over procedure the next day* and i was all *supportiveness out the wazoo* and "hey i have a meditation mp3 you could've used", remembering one time she'd been all *deep breaths* with my second cousin when she couldn't sleep, and suddenly mom makes one of those stabbing leaps of conversation and replied with "i wish you'd do other things" (i haven't even listened to the meditation instructions, and even if i had, i can totally meditate and still be an awesome active person) and then she went on this whole diatribe about how i don't do crap and omg people your age and the world doesn't stop just because you do at which point i just up and left because fuck. that. shit. except it got worse because she walked out with dad to say bye and came up to me all *let me snuggle yoooou* and smiles and i was like HELL. NO. and then she started yelling at me again about how i only talk to her when i want to (uh, duh?) and i was all would it kill you to listen to me? no, whenever you don't like what i say you just pretend i'm furniture and ignore me (see also: EXACTLY WHAT SHE DID THE NEXT DAY) and then she picked up the old chorus of people who graduated with you have blah blah blah (not that she has a clue but like that stops her)
so i've got that going for me.
but! but i also have a therapist who SUCKS. i emailed her on thursday all "so yeah my mom's going to be in hospital for a procedure so i won't be able to make it on monday so can we reschedule" and i got no reply. i texted her on monday about it, and got no reply. i obviously didn't show up on monday at your appointment, and have as yet still gotten no communication from therapy lady. and it was going to be our last session, too, because i'd been all yeah hi, not made of money, this isn't really helping all that much, also no follow-through from one week to the next (which she's apparently interpreted as "why we no talk about mah childhood?" which what?) and since she wanted therapeutic "closure" i agreed to sticking it out for the rest of the month. but uh, yeah, not so much anymore.
so in sum i haven't done anything these past few days.
well yesterday i baked but the bananas were practically green so the muffins are crap, and the chocolate chip cookies burnt even though they stayed pasty white so idek. also the gazpacho (first time making) is vile.
but so far as the online courses i was taking, yeah, haven't done those in two weeks. i've managed to read a bit of that novel i'm betaing but yeah. i obviously have done fuck all about operation escape the nest because a) terrified b) overwhelmed therefore c) incapacitated.
i mean seriously the only thing i've accomplished lately was that tattoo post and that was only because i literally could not stop. i don't want to use words like obsessive or compulsive because of their more clinical connotations (although aaaahaohthefacepalminggods going through the ocd page now and just like oh look those things i do which we discussed in my first session and never talked about again) but yeah for four or five days i did nothing but that post. i'd walk away or shut the computer off and five seconds later i'd be right back there working away at it, whether i wanted to or not.
so yeah, so i'm not okay, and despite my therapist asking leading questions all the time this past month about whether i'm better now than i was six months ago and me being all "i don't fucking know" and also "i don't even feel anything anymore in that intellectually i'm upset, but emotionally i'm just not giving a fuck, which ironically upsets me, so gods the fuck know what happen"
basically hi i'm still living with my parents and still unemployed and my dad's retiring in less than a year and my parents are going to move to mexico and i'm going to die in a ditch because i cannot visualize, much less do, the things i need to do to get out of here and on my feet.
...imma shut up now.
* Common expression
so i realized i hadn't done a "things accomplished this week" post so i did that and i think you can tell it's not going well. i've basically done fuck all for like two weeks now or hell maybe the whole month.
and okay it's been a wee bit tough. like dad had an operation end of may, and mom's just come hope from a procedure after getting word of a free slot at the hospital on thursday and running off there on friday. so yeah things have been a bit stressed. i'm fine except when trekking across the city for an hour to go visit one parent or other at the hospital, which yay, or when said parent uses me as an emotional punching bag (yay mom).
i'm still upset with mom over yesterday, when i went to visit her after her procedure, and we were having a random talk and then i disagreed with her about some other clinic not being a death trap because it doesn't have 293847 beds and doctors, to which she responded with a thank you for your visit, i honestly wasn't even expecting you to come, kthxbai *ignore mode*
and i was already upset with her for what she'd said the day before, when she'd been all *omg freaking out over procedure the next day* and i was all *supportiveness out the wazoo* and "hey i have a meditation mp3 you could've used", remembering one time she'd been all *deep breaths* with my second cousin when she couldn't sleep, and suddenly mom makes one of those stabbing leaps of conversation and replied with "i wish you'd do other things" (i haven't even listened to the meditation instructions, and even if i had, i can totally meditate and still be an awesome active person) and then she went on this whole diatribe about how i don't do crap and omg people your age and the world doesn't stop just because you do at which point i just up and left because fuck. that. shit. except it got worse because she walked out with dad to say bye and came up to me all *let me snuggle yoooou* and smiles and i was like HELL. NO. and then she started yelling at me again about how i only talk to her when i want to (uh, duh?) and i was all would it kill you to listen to me? no, whenever you don't like what i say you just pretend i'm furniture and ignore me (see also: EXACTLY WHAT SHE DID THE NEXT DAY) and then she picked up the old chorus of people who graduated with you have blah blah blah (not that she has a clue but like that stops her)
so i've got that going for me.
but! but i also have a therapist who SUCKS. i emailed her on thursday all "so yeah my mom's going to be in hospital for a procedure so i won't be able to make it on monday so can we reschedule" and i got no reply. i texted her on monday about it, and got no reply. i obviously didn't show up on monday at your appointment, and have as yet still gotten no communication from therapy lady. and it was going to be our last session, too, because i'd been all yeah hi, not made of money, this isn't really helping all that much, also no follow-through from one week to the next (which she's apparently interpreted as "why we no talk about mah childhood?" which what?) and since she wanted therapeutic "closure" i agreed to sticking it out for the rest of the month. but uh, yeah, not so much anymore.
so in sum i haven't done anything these past few days.
well yesterday i baked but the bananas were practically green so the muffins are crap, and the chocolate chip cookies burnt even though they stayed pasty white so idek. also the gazpacho (first time making) is vile.
but so far as the online courses i was taking, yeah, haven't done those in two weeks. i've managed to read a bit of that novel i'm betaing but yeah. i obviously have done fuck all about operation escape the nest because a) terrified b) overwhelmed therefore c) incapacitated.
i mean seriously the only thing i've accomplished lately was that tattoo post and that was only because i literally could not stop. i don't want to use words like obsessive or compulsive because of their more clinical connotations (although aaaahaohthefacepalminggods going through the ocd page now and just like oh look those things i do which we discussed in my first session and never talked about again) but yeah for four or five days i did nothing but that post. i'd walk away or shut the computer off and five seconds later i'd be right back there working away at it, whether i wanted to or not.
so yeah, so i'm not okay, and despite my therapist asking leading questions all the time this past month about whether i'm better now than i was six months ago and me being all "i don't fucking know" and also "i don't even feel anything anymore in that intellectually i'm upset, but emotionally i'm just not giving a fuck, which ironically upsets me, so gods the fuck know what happen"
basically hi i'm still living with my parents and still unemployed and my dad's retiring in less than a year and my parents are going to move to mexico and i'm going to die in a ditch because i cannot visualize, much less do, the things i need to do to get out of here and on my feet.
...imma shut up now.
* Common expression