4 elements needed for me to feel sexual attraction: consent, bodily respect, awareness, generosity

[belenen]

icon: "brewing (a photo of a ceramic mug with sticks of cinnamon poking out and steam rising up)"
As a demisexual, I need to feel some kind of emotional connection with the person for there to even be a chance of sexual attraction. Often this is a connection on the spirit, soul, or heart level, but sometimes it's purely a mental connection in that

Comments

[rotating]

this is so, so fascinating to read and makes me want to reflect on what it is that makes sex rewarding for me. i've come to the conclusion in recent years that i am demisexual, and there are definitely certain things that need to be present in order for me to get out of my head and enjoy myself and not feel like my skin is crawling afterwards.

i think i most appreciate what you wrote about awareness, and i agree that it's so rare. i know that i'm not perfect myself since i do have a tendency to withdraw, but i think a lot of that has to do with partners who are reactive and don't seem to notice or mind that i, personally, am there with them.

also yes to everything in the last paragraph.

i admire so much how thoroughly you know yourself and how you can examine your past actions gently, without self-judgment.

[belenen]

i do have a tendency to withdraw, but i think a lot of that has to do with partners who are reactive and don't seem to notice or mind that i, personally, am there with them.

*nodnodnod* it is emotionally painful for me to stay present when the other person isn't. It feels like being ignored.

i admire so much how thoroughly you know yourself and how you can examine your past actions gently, without self-judgment.

I keep thinking of this comment and it makes me feel really good and very noticed, so thank you very much for expressing that.

[stray_infinity]

Good read here. On the surface it does seem that those four criteria are difficult to be satisfied all at the same time.

I think criteria #1, for myself personally, is crucial. I'm the kind of person that would always ask if some act is okay, even if I was previously given permission to do some act that I may rank as being more intenseor more involved than the new act I want to perform. For example, getting the okay to suckle on someone's nipples does not mean it's okay to kiss their stomachor back. Constantly asking permission might be a turn-off for some people though, and it's difficult to know when questioning isn't quite necessary.

#2 is important to me as well, except in slightly different ways. I view bodily respect as someone keeping their negative opinions to themselves about a part of my body. I don't expect everyone to like everything on my body, but I expect people to try to enjoy those undesirable parts of me.

I like #3 a lot. When I imagine satisfying sex, people respond to what I do - touching themselves, touching me

[belenen]

with regards to questions, I find it very helpful to communicate non-verbally sometimes. For example, reaching toward someone's nipple and stopping, looking at them with a raised eyebrow. If they respond in the affirmative, I go ahead, and if they hesitate or shake their head, I try something else. Often I'll ask backwards consent questions, like "is there any kind of touch that you want me to avoid?" or "which things would you like me to ask before doing?" with that last one, I consider it to only refer to things we have already tried -- if it is something we haven't done I always ask first even if they have said there is nothing they want me to avoid

[queerbychoice]

"To desire someone I need them to tell me that they want sex with me."

So you can't ever be the one to desire the other person first? So if you met someone whose sexual feelings worked exactly the same way yours do, the two of you could never desire each other because neither one of you could desire the other first?

That seems terribly inconvenient to me. I mean, if that's how it needs to be then that's how it needs to be, but I would not want my feelings to work that way.

[belenen]

heh, no, not exactly. But it's more like, the idea of sexual desire is nebulous and distant at most, if not nonexistant, until I know that they also want it. If I feel like there is potential there and I am open to that potential, I will ask. Then if they say yes, potential becomes desire. If they say no, the potential dies.

The difference between potential desire and actual desire is like... the difference between knowing that you would probably want an ice cream if it was put in front of you, versus actually being hungry and craving ice cream.

[belenen]

aw, thanks! *smiles happily*