relationships: Kylei / Abby / Anika / Heather / KWT / Lilywolf / Topaz / Allison / Jaime / Don / Kat
icon: "overwhelmed (the character Keenan from "Playing By Heart," with hands over their face covering their eyes and head tilted back)"
Reflecting on my relationships this past week, I realized that I have been pouring a lot of energy out and not getting much back. This isn't a problem when I'm in a period of abundance, because I don't mind it in and of itself, but I'm still recovering from my 2012 suicidal depression, and last November/ December were hugely draining - so it's not something I can healthily do right now. So I have to figure out how to spend less energy and/or get more, hopefully without hurting feelings or sparking resentment. I feel a bit of a failure about this, because I was working so hard on reconnecting with people I love, and I feel sure that if I stop putting so much in, some of those connections will wither. But this is a pattern, and it's a bad one. I have to stop doing this. I need to be okay. I've been crying pretty much every day this week, and wanting to cut everyone out of my life. That's not a practical desire or something I would actually do, but it is an urge I get when I am not being nourished. It's a very bad sign.
I have set up every-other-week plans with Kylei and so far, those have been stressful every time, because the plans ALWAYS change at least once if not four times. It has only been 2 or maybe 3 attempts though, so maybe it will settle now. If next time is a pile of stress I'm gonna cancel that experiment unless/until I'm in a place of more abundance.
I've set up weekly talk-dates with Abby and that has mostly been stressful, not sure if it was because we had chosen bad times or what. Almost every time we talk though, I get sad at the things that I don't have with them, and extra sad when they give the things I have been wanting to others. I understand it all logically, they're depressed and it's far easier with in-person folk who are practically living with them, but it still hits me. Anyway I'm gonna try and keep the plan to talk with them but I'm gonna try to watch my feelings and if it is more draining than nourishing I'm going to cancel that for a while too. I need to figure out what to expect, for sure.
Weekly meditations have been a giant disappointment. I feel like I'm the only one who takes the plan seriously and I've asked Abby to let me know ahead of time if they are cancelling or postponing but they don't. So that, I'm going to switch to a time that is good for me and just send a text when I start, and if others aren't ready I'll just do it alone. It's been good for me to have a weekly plan but when it's not treated like a real plan by others I get so discouraged that I don't do it at all. Speaking of which, if you want to meditate with me please let me know! you don't have to be local, I usually just text to make sure we're starting at the same time and then 30 minutes later I text to ask how theirs went and describe mine. I am also open to email for this purpose.
I've been feeling very limbo-ish with Anika, trying to feel out how they feel about me and what I should expect and etc. I just feel completely mixed up there. Hopefully I can get a grasp of it. I don't know if it's a my-brain problem or a communication difficulty or both. I just feel like I have no idea what they want from me or to give to me, and my questions are not clarifying anything for me. --- Just realized, from writing an email while writing this, that my problem was in their expectations of me, and I wrote out what I wanted them to expect and felt SHITTONS BETTER. *huge relief*
Heather I haven't really gotten to spend much time with lately because they were out of town and before that my life was smushed for two months. Hopefully we can spend more time together soon. Kei-Won-Tia has also been kinda absent, I think because they've been down.
Lilywolf is starting to become a closer friend; we sometimes meditate together and when we're in town we hang out about once a week. We went to oneness blessing together and did ritual together; I feel it quite easy to get into the right energy with them. I feel hopeful for more spiritual explorations now that I have a very-nearby friend with a very flexible schedule who is into it! I mean I couldn't have designed it better.
Time with Topaz has been really great. They're feeling better about life after deciding to put some medical hoop-jumping on hold (it was causing enormous stress) and it makes our time more relaxed and focus time more possible and they laugh and play with me more which makes me feel so good down to my core. I could probably be nourished fully by spending all my time with them but that is bad for both of us in the long run, so I'm being sensible and planning alone time and time with other friends.
My friendship with Allison is pretty awesome. They came to my crafty party last week for just an hour because they couldn't arrive earlier, and we planned coffee this week. We had a really great conversation and I feel like we're starting to build a more in-depth friendship which makes me very happy. I still feel residual awkwardness from the fact that they live in a very different culture than I do, and so I feel like I can't apply my usual habits. But I just realized that I could actually negotiate what works, which would at least disintegrate the awkward.
Jaime makes me quite happy! I don't think I posted about our trip to BTFP a while back, but it was deeply nourishing. They're my favorite kind of forest companion: they point out things I don't notice and they react w joy when I do the same, they feel the spirit/energy of things and honor it, and they don't get impatient with my meandering or photo-distractedness. We had lunch last week because they expressed a desire for time with me, and we had super great talks about spirituality and stuff. We were gonna go to nature but ended up in it for maybe 30 min because it was ridic cold (it froze that night!).
Donovan has actually been more of a part of my life the past two weeks because I've been texting them a photo every day and they reply to it. I love that because it's low-difficulty for me to share (since I have the goal to take a photo a day anyway) and I feel a little connection with them each time.
Kat has been a little more immediately-present in my life since solstice, which makes me quite happy, but I have fallen off the wagon sort of with reaching out via text. Kat is one of my longest-present friends (if not actually the longest one) and I really love the possibility of being closer. I realized that they don't live 6 hours away like I thought, but more like 4. Once I get this other thing fixed on my car (not too expensive or dangerous but it makes me very uncomfortable) and there is no threat of snow, I want to visit them.