Aurilion's visit - first kisses! / hyper-aware of PDAs, awed at newness / bi-poly = true me
I have this 'crowd blindness' where I cannot recognize people when I meet them in public -- even Nimajn or others I've known for years. (I think it may be that I see people as a collection of features rather than a whole, so I have to mentally check each feature) It takes me a little while to mentally place a person, so when Nimajn and I picked Aurilion up from the airport, I was worried that I would not spot zir because the flow of people was moving so fast. I needn't have worried! Ze spotted me, yelled "BEL!", dashed over and barreled into me, almost knocking me over, and hugged me so tightly ze squeezed out my air. Then ze kissed me and I automatically turned my cheek to zir before I realized that ze was aiming for my mouth -- then I turned back to kiss zir on the lips.
My first same-sex kiss! My first kiss with anyone-not-Nimajn! My first mouth-kiss in public in YEARS! I was quite intoxicated from the newness of it and beamed and stumbled my way out of the airport, holding hands and swinging arms delightedly. As Nimajn drove us home (such a wonderful gift ♥), Aurilion and I sat in the back seat and kissed and kissed and kissed. Oh God/dess, such kisses ♥
Throughout the visit, I was hyper-aware of touch in public. This was really weird for me because I'm used to being almost defiantly affectionate with my female-bodied friends in public, and I know I have been assumed to be lesbian many times. But it being actually romantic made it feel SO DIFFERENT. I felt so much shyer. At first I was like "wtf, Bel, is this internalized homophobia? I thought you were way past that!" And as I thought about it I realized that I would have felt the same if Aurilion had been male, so that wasn't the reason. Instead, I think it was because: I've only experienced romance with a person who has not liked public displays of affection, and thus I have been 'trained' for the past 6+ years to reserve my romantic stuff for privacy; I'm still getting over the fear that people will think I am cheating on Nimajn and therefore dishonest; and most of all it's just new on so many levels! Most people have more than one romance before getting married, and I had never even held hands with anyone except Nimajn until this week. I felt so young and inexperienced! I felt SHY. The shyness faded pretty quickly, but the wonder-at-newness remained. It's so. freaking. amazing.
I think part of me feels 'legitimized' in a way. Like, I have known that I'm bisexual and polyamorous for a long time now but I had never experienced an actual bi-poly relationship in practice. I'm glad it didn't happen earlier because I would have called this 'proof' but I don't need 'proof'. It just feels good to finally be living it; I'm not sure how to explain that. It's like I have come into my own. This is me! and I love it.