characters in the story of my life: present and past (updated at last!)
These are the characters in the story of my life:
my partner aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
lil sis -- younger sister, soul-kin.
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nea aka acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- friend, spirit-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
my partner's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family
People who are an important part of my life and often talked/written about.
my partner
(aka Dragon, pooka, benny-boo)
partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin
--
frenetik: Met through our parents going to the same church. Known since 1991, soulfriends since jan 2002, lovers and partners since dec 2003. Lives with me in GA.
history: my partner is also my lover and soulfriend. I met zir when I was a wee child of 8 (ze was 7), and felt a connection since then. I moved away and then back (my dad was in the military) and sometime in high school we developed a rather one-sided friendship (ze didn't contribute much but somehow I never gave up) that lasted until I moved again for my freshman year of college. When I came to visit zir family over Christmas break, ze asked me out (as well as asking my forgiveness for taking me for granted for so long) and we started a long-distance relationship. About 17 days in (Jan 19, 2002) we made our own private vows to each other and considered ourselves spiritually married from that point on. That summer I moved back to GA to be closer to zir and we continued 'dating' (not the traditional formal sort, with dressing up and going out) for another year, and got legally married December 13, 2003. The first year (2004) was fun at first, but soon turned rocky, as sex had brought up repressed memories of childhood abuse (we didn't have sex until after getting legally married, mainly due to zir desires) and I started working through those, and we both had to deal with misconceptions about what a partnership (marriage) meant. 2005 was worse; I was depressed and paranoid to the point of not being able to leave the house, but by the end of that year I had overcome most of it. 2006 we were both drained, and didn't really give to each other; we had kinda stagnated. 2007 started off very badly, financially, and I blamed our lack of connection on that, but as time went on I realized that the finances made it worse but they were not the problem, they just added to the problem. Halfway through the year it all came to a head and my partner decided to work on opening up and learning to express zirself, so that we could really communicate. I was skeptical at first but ze really changed; I began to get to know zir in a way I never had before. We had a lot more conflict, but it was productive, and I began to fall in love with zir in a whole new way. 2008 began with us stronger than ever, and full of so much hope for the future.description: I call zir my 'lightning rod' because ze is like a grounding force for my storms. Ze calms me just with zir presence; I feel that without zir I would not be able to focus my energy with such ease -- my own intensity would set me on edge. Ze and I have only one common interest, but it is the most important one; our goal in life. We desire to learn, in order to grow, and to grow, in order to love - more deeply, more freely, more openly. We believe love is our purpose for being. And as a subset of this, we are interested in people -- how, why they act the way they do and how they can be helped. I believe my partner and I have a heart connection -- we share a similar understanding of spirituality, and the same spiritual things move us. We've only begun to explore this as ze has been opening up, and I am enjoying the journey.
My partner is quiet, intense, and gentle. Ze is fairly reserved, but ze sees this as more of a product of zir upbringing rather than zir natural self, and ze is working to be more expressive and open -- primarily with me but also with the world in general. Ze loves playing guitar and chess, driving, learning/talking about cars/chess, and discussing philosophy/ psychology/ science.
Aurilion
(Aurilion, Lilylight, faegirl)
lover, deep friend, heart-kin
--
luminousfaegirl: Met zir through LJ. Known since Feb 2006, casual friends from then to November 2006, out of contact for 2007, lovers from March 2008 to present. Lives in NC :-(
history: We had had a somewhat casual LJ relationship until ze came down to visit a mutual friend, and when I met zir I felt a very strong connection. I was very excited about getting to know zir, but ze was beginning a romantic relationship with Ashley and Mike, who did not want zir to honor zir connection with me. We were out of contact for a year, then when we got back in contact we quickly built a friendship and then a month after that, ze proposed a romantic relationship (which I gleefully agreed to).description: Ze is my heart-kin; we share a connection to trees that is so strong! We also experience faith in a similar way, through a wild, inexplicable thing that can only be called magic. We're both very intuitive, and in opening to our connection I am experiencing intuition on a whole new level. And I think that ze experiences the other side of that with me -- I help zir to explore groundedness, while ze helps me to explore flight.
Full of faith, gentle, eager, generous, creative. Ze loves sculpting with wire, writing, laughing, creating expressions of self, sharing with others, dancing with the fae and communing with the trees.
lil sis
biological sister
little sister -- known since ze was born (10 years after me), started getting close in Jan 2007. Lives in PA :-(
This girl amazes me. Zir strength and zir fire and zir resilience... wow. Ze's so brave. Ze's been through a hell of a lot for zir few years, and hasn't lost zir fierceness... and zir compassion amazes me. Ze's also a talented artist and I look forward to seeing zir blossom creatively and personally. Ze seems very open-minded and willing to grow and change, and I think that is just wonderful.
Kate
(kate-love)
deep friend
clown_frog: Met zir through LJ, via an addme community. Known since Nov 2004, close from Dec 2005 (less so in 2007-on because of lack of internet). Lives in Scotland :-(
Ze's quiet and shy, but very passionate and opinionated! Ze's very inquisitive, very thoughtful, and zir questions and observations always make me think hard. Ze's a fierce feminist, which is SO inspiring! I love how ze stretches my mind. And ze has such a beautiful spirit, very gentle and compassionate. Also, somehow ze always seems to understand me perfectly, so zir comments are always encouraging, because they make me feel understood. My favorite quality of zirs would probably be zir thirst for understanding. Ze reminds me of what famous philosophers must have been like. ;-) Philosophical, artistic, compassionate, generous.
Kat
(Firekat, kit-kat)
deep friend, soul-kin
kmiotutsie: Met through LJ, via an addme community. Known since Dec 2004, close since Nov 2006, met May 2007. Lives in CO :-(
Kat has a passion for life and a freedom of spirit like none other. Ze is vibrant, open, honest, and unafraid. I think ze lives more connectedly than most people -- and by that I mean in connection with the movement of life (yes, vague, but it's undefinable dammit!). And yet ze is so easygoing and relaxed, and totally open-minded! It's a paradoxical mix that I love. My favorite thing about zir would probably be zir accepting, open attitude about life. Ze never dismisses anything out of hand, and seems to see life as a series of opportunities -- ze's not easily set back. Ze doesn't live within laws, self-imposed or otherwise. Fiery, creative, understanding, loving.
I made the necklace ze's wearing in the photo :D
Hannah
(Kehlalili, Shioneh, sheonke, babygirl, han-han)
deep friend, spirit-kin, soul-kin
--
shioneh: Met zir through LJ. Known since July 2005, soulfriends from March 2006 to November 2007, lovers from March 2008 to July 2008. Lives in Scotland :-(
history: We were instantly close on becoming LJ friends, and 8 months later we committed soulfriendship to each other. Our soulfriendship lasted about a year and a half, and was an incredible source of growth and nourishment to both of us. Because we entered the relationship with such clear goals, we both learned so much more about communication and the ways to grow a relationship. In that time ze came to visit me twice, July 27th - Aug 13th 2006, and June 20th - July 24th 2007. The soulfriendship ended because we both went through a very dark period and it took too much energy over such a long distance, when even calling is a hardship. I think that if we had lived close we would have been able to stay soulfriends, but as it was we decided to end it, at least for the time. We never broke off contact but we didn't start talking in realtime again until early February, when I felt totally awful and randomly IMed zir partner Nick, and Hannah was there next to zir and began talking with me to comfort me. We rapidly grew close again (with many tears along the way), and in late March Hannah realized that ze was polyamorous and proposed a romantic relationship (which I gleefully agreed to).
description: Ze is my spirit-kin; so like me at core. I can't explain what this feels like, only the effect that it has. We reflect each other and together we clarify ideas and beliefs, which we usually end up agreeing on, even if we started out thinking that we disagreed. We can sense things about each other that we could have no way of knowing -- even without communication, we feel it if the other is hurting or joyful. Our emotions reflect each other and increase when we intentionally share them. I laugh more with zir than ever with anyone else -- we have a natural high when we are happy together, and we get ridiculously silly, to the point where I am sure outsiders would think us drunk/drugged. Ze is also soul-kin; like me in how ze is passionate and intense, fiery in defense of that which we feel strongly on. We can be gentle, but when it comes to standing up for what we believe in we are absolutely fierce and forceful.
Open & honest, passionately compassionate, fierce, creative. Ze loves taking photos, dancing, painting, sharing with others, exploring the abstract, learning the concrete, celebrating life, helping to create equality.
Nick
deep friend, spirit-kin, heart-kin
aquilian: Met zir through Hannah. Known of since July 2005, became good friends when ze visited in June/July 2007, deep friends when I visited in May/June 2008, lovers for a day in June 2008. Lives in Scotland :-(
Nick is Hannah's partner, and I am not sure on what level we connect, but connect we definitely do. We have amazing conversations and feel so very at ease with each other. Ze and I don't keep in close contact because ze is not so long-distance-communicative, but when in person we very much enjoy each other's presence. I think if we lived nearby ze would be a very active part of my life.
Very thoughtful, generous, philosophical, honest, open-minded, kind. Ze loves deep discussions, feminism/equalism, photography, gaming, learning.
Ava
deep friend, spirit-kin
mourningdoveava: Met through LJ, via an addme community. Known since August 2007, close since October 2007. Lives in NY.
Ava is my spirit-kin, and possibly another spirit-twin! (I will have to meet zir in person before I can tell that, I think.) We already have the strong emotional connection -- recently ze went through an intense spiritual experience while talking to me on IM, and I felt it so strongly that I cried. That surprised me but looking back it is not so shocking -- I just didn't expect to find more than one person so like to me in spirit, so easy to sense. ♥ I absolutely cannot fucking wait to meet zir. Our conversations are so incredibly deep and invariably teach me something or help me to clarify some of my truth. We are so alike! Both very growth-learning-love focused.
Extremely compassionate, open-minded, open, honest, expressive, unafraid to be different. Ze loves communicating, helping people, writing, Japan, languages, cultures, feminism/equalism, showing love.
Meliae
(meliae, melli)
close friend
earthy_goddess: Met zir through LJ, ze went googling for curvy-positive stuff, found the curvygirls comm, and though that, me! Known since Jan 2007, close from Feb - May 2007. Lives in Denmark :-(
We became very close very fast -- we understand each other so very well. Ze's extremely compassionate, and feels things deeply. Ze has a passion for learning and helping others to learn, which is something I share -- we like to talk about alternate ways of learning and teaching, and the importance of self-education. Ze's very open and honest, so we converse about every aspect of our lives. In a very short time after meeting zir, I knew ze was going to be a big part of my life. I look forward to the development of our friendship. ♥ Compassionate, generous, curious, open.
(((there are other friends I consider part of my tribe (Ry, Nea, Vee, Ali, Joanna, Sarah, Jedidiah, Eric, Sidhe...), but are not included because I don't often talk about them here. And all of my flist is my extended tribe ;-) but if I put everyone in this would be even more ridiculously long)))
People I occasionally talk/write about and have casual/infrequent contact with.
Spencer & Paula
(the wynnes)
spiritual parents
Met them through Liberty church. Known for 4 years, close for the 1.5 years, casual after that. Live in GA, about 0.5 hours from me.
Spencer and Paula are a couple with whom I lived for a year, chauffeuring/mentoring their kids (Gabe and William) in exchange for room and board. Living with them taught me what family is like -- they accepted me as I was, loved me, and helped me in any way they could. I still consider them my spiritual parents. Paula I love because ze is vibrant, cheerful, and intensely loving, and ze honestly cares about me. Spencer I love because ze is the best father I've ever known -- ze and Paula both had children from previous relationships, and ze took zir son, Gabe, into zir heart and loved zir every bit as much as William, zir biological son. Ze shows absolutely no preference -- and that amazes me. I also love zir because ze trusted me almost immediately (when someone gives me their trust I feel immensely grateful, especially if I hold them in high esteem), and because ze supported me and showed interest in my jewelry business -- just because it was important to me.
I lived with them for a year, then moved out to get married. Six months later I moved into a house in their neighborhood and spent a loooooot of time with Paula, who was having a very difficult pregnancy and had to be on bed rest. I'd walk over every day and we'd talk and talk, I'd make zir lunch and bring zir drinks... then zir mom moved in to help and I wasn't needed, so I just drove zir to doctor's appointments (because zir mom doesn't drive).
I still love them all so much, and it absolutely kills me that I'm not part of baby Risa's life. I wish I had the guts to just show up on their doorstep sometimes, but every time I see them I end up crying and crying (after I leave) because I want to be part of the family again. I'm so very grateful for the love and acceptance they gave me, and how much they taught me about love and family ♥ They're all amazing.
Gabe
spiritual little bro
Met him through Liberty church. Known for 4 years, close for the 1.5 years, casual after that. Lives in GA, about 0.5 hours from me.
This is my (spiritual) little brother. (he calls me sis ♥) Ze's one of the most honest, growth-seeking, and good-hearted people I've ever known, and while ze has zir flaws ze is unique among every other teenager I've ever met in that, when confronted about a bad habit or other problem, ze will be honestly sorry and try to change. (and ze's been like that since I met him when ze was sixteen!) Ze thinks of me as zir older sister, and turns to me for advice sometimes, which makes me feel so trusted. Ze's grown up so much in the past few years... I'm so proud of him.
SabR
good friend
sabr: Met zir through LJ, ze added me first. Known since Apr 2006. Lives in GA, about 2.5 hours from me. We were pretty close for a while but then I made some choices that broke zir trust (and the trust of zir chosen family) and it hasn't been the same since then. I still really enjoy zir company though, and I have hope that we can build it back.
So wild and fierce! I am fascinated with how determinedly ze seeks growth and maturing. And ze's incredibly supportive and openminded. I love how ze is so open about the areas ze feels ze needs to grow in, it's a beautiful thing. Honest, bold, untamed, growing. One of the things I find most intriguing about zir is zir affinity with wolves; I feel like I have learned a lot from both SabR and Kazi about animal-spirits, and I cherish that knowledge.
Kazi
friend
malignlibra: Met zir through LJ, via SabR. Known since Sep 2006. Lives in GA, about 2.5 hours from me. We were once approaching closeness but then I made some choices that broke zir trust (and the trust of zir chosen family) and it hasn't been the same since. I do not know if we will ever be close but I am glad to have kept contact.
Ze's been through a lot of painful experiences and I'm amazed at zir resilience and depth of caring. Ze has such a vibrant heart, very giving. Ze and SabR have a beautiful sister-friendship, it's incredible to be with them and feel the easy, secure connection there. I admire them both for having developed a permanent friendship. Quiet, intense, true, loyal.
elya
(Shine)
friend, sister-in-law
my partner's twin, my friend -- met zir through our parents attending the same church. Known for 16 years, friends for about that long. Lives in GA, just down the road.
Ze's kindhearted and very innocent. Ze's one of the most encouraging people I've ever met -- I don't think I've ever heard zir say a negative word about anyone, though ze has admitted to a mild dislike for certain people. If I make zir sound sweet and vanilla, that's cause ze is -- and not a tiny bit of it is fake. I don't think elya is capable of being fake.
Rebecca
(Accaber, Glow)
best friend, sister-in-law
my partner's younger sister, my friend -- met zir through our parents attending the same church. Known for 16 years. Best friends for 5 years, casual friends for the past 5. Lives in NM.
We were very close for years, called each other every day, told each other everything... but then I moved, and we both felt deserted by the other, and we drifted apart. We've also just changed, and we have very little in common now. We've forgiven each other for all the hurt, but haven't really renewed our relationship. Ze got married last summer, and I cried my fucking guts out because it felt like the final ending to our friendship... and even though I had gotten married, deep in my heart there was still younger-me who wanted to go live in the woods with zir, far away from everyone, and commune with each other and nature forever. I still miss zir, and yet I feel like I can't make a move to reconnect, it feels like there is sooo much distance, too much difference; I don't know zir, we don't speak the same language any more. And I can't bear to find proof that we are too different to reconnect.
the relatives
biofamily and in-laws
P (my mom) -- gentle, sensitive, hardworking. We get along okay; ze respects me although ze doesn't really understand me. We're not close, and won't be until ze finalizes zir divorce. In the past I have disliked zir for allowing my father to be abusive to zir and zir children, but I respect that ze is trying to change now, and I hope that eventually we will have a friendly relationship.
M (male bioparent) -- selfish, controlling, abusive. Ze is the most skilled liar I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. I do not respect or like zir one tiny bit; the three things I value most in a person are honesty, openness, and compassion, and ze has (nearly) none of any of those. If ze changes, admits all the wrong ze has done to myself, my mother, brother and especially my sister, is genuinely sorry and begins to work toward being honest/open and compassionate, then I will be willing to have a relationship with zir. But I don't believe that will ever happen.
Miss K (my partner's mom) -- sensitive, compassionate, generous. Ze used to call me zir 'other daughter' when I was best friends with Rebecca, and ze was the only adult I felt I could depend on during my teens. We have a very casual relationship now.
Mr. B (my partner's dad) -- quiet, caring, creative. I've never been close with zir, but I respect zir, and I enjoy having the occasional debate with zir.
M and P live in PA, my partner's parents live five minutes away. Bob -- storeyphoto. Ze's the only family member (besides lil sis) who reads my journal -- which means a lot to me because I feel that if someone is truly interested in me, they will be interested in my journal. (also, ze's the only one I liked and trusted enough to invite to read it) Ze's just an awesome person in general, with a lot of knowledge about -- well, most everything. Ze's an awesome photographer and we've worked together many times, including an incredible shoot with Hannah and I.
Samuel -- my partner's 4-years-younger brother.
Sadie -- my partner's 6-years-younger (foster) sister.
Natty -- my partner's 6-years-younger brother.
JJ -- my partner's 8-years-younger brother.
S -- my 4-years-younger biological brother, lives in PA and is not a part of my life.
People I occasionally talk/write about, but who are not an active part of my life.
Kaylene
(Glisten)
deep friend
mayana: Met zir through a group counseling series. Very close from Oct 2003 - Feb 2004, then lost contact through moves, parting was benevolent. I still have confidence that we'll be close friends again eventually.
We were just beginning an incredible friendship when several terrible things happened to zir at once, and ze decided having a deep friendship with me was too much for zir at the time. I respected that, but was sad that we lost something precious right after we found it. Ze's a deep, passionate person, who is intense in everything ze does, and ze doesn't commit half-way. Ze's a talented singer/songwriter and dancer, an artist in every sense of the word. We had so many things in common in our history and we understood each other -- I think ze was the first person I had met who was at all like me, it was amazing. Ze was completely open and honest with me after we decided to be close, and we bonded so deeply that within four months of first meeting zir, I asked zir to be one of my bridesmaids. Zir fearlessness and determination to be who ze wanted to be inspired me greatly, and helped set me on the path to becoming my true self.
Allison
(Del, Sparkle)
close friend
jedibubbles: Met zir in high school, 11th grade. Known since 1999, close from 99-01, then slowly drifted apart when we both moved away for college. In April 2006 ze cut contact with me, but I hope that somewhere down the line we'll be friends again.
Allison is an extremely talented artist with a brilliant mind. When we were friends, zir energy was contagious, and I loved being around zir because ze gave me a fresh love for life. After being around zir I either wanted to dance or write -- zir creativity just flowed like a river. Ze encouraged me artistically -- in my writing (ze read my novel-in-progress and creature-ideas and gave feedback) and painting and jewelry (ze commissioned several pieces and wore them proudly and told everyone who complimented them to go to my website and buy them). I'm grateful for all the inspiration ze gave me and I value zir so much.
I recently (Apr 2008) contacted zir again and apologized for any hurt I may have caused, and ze forgave me. I left it at that, for now. It feels good to have closure.
Ashley
(previously Alariya)
deep friend
buraburay: Met zir through elya -- the two of them were best friends at one time. Known for many years, very close for one year. Friendship ended Dec 2006 when ze wounded me deeply and chose to cut contact.
We had been close for about 8 months, I had urged/pushed/helped/counseled zir through a nasty breakup with an abusive boyfriend and we were growing closer all the time. I was thinking about committing to soulfriendship (platonic marriage) because, except for the commitment to permanence, we pretty much had one. I told zir this and told zir that there was one trust issue that had to be gotten out of the way first -- ze had been (subconsciously, I think) imitating my likes/dislikes/beliefs. Ze agreed to work on it, telling me that soulfriendship with me was what ze wanted more than anything in the world, and I was looking forward to it. Then Lily came down, and I had a complete breakdown (I had been going through a terrible time, which ze knew), and ze left me weeping and broken and went out to have fun with Lily. I was very hurt by this, and when I expressed that to zir, ze ignored me for three weeks and then told me that ze didn't want to be friends anymore.
About a year after this, I messaged Ashley and told zir that I forgave zir, and that I was sorry for any hurt I might have caused zir. I offered to have a conversation for the sake of closure and healing, so we talked, and it felt really good to talk to zir again. A while after that I spent a few days at zir apartment and realized that the breakup and year after had made deep changes in both of us that created a lot of distance, and I think ze felt it too because we fell mostly out of contact again after that. I'm open to being friends again, but trust would have to be re-created, and I don't think ze is at the point where ze can devote energy to that.
Anika
close friend
eternitywaiting: Met zir through LJ, via an addme community. Known since Nov 2004, close from 2005 - 2006, ended Mar 2006 when ze wounded me and chose to cut contact.
Met and got to know zir through LJ, we were pretty close. Ze came down for a week during a time when ze was having a lot of struggles in zir marriage, and I supported zir emotionally for the week. We also talked about our connection -- we were very alike in certain ways. I felt that we really bonded through that time, and I offered zir soulfriendship. Ze told me that ze didn't feel able to do that at the time, and I accepted that; I no longer wanted a soulfriendship at the time, because soulfriendship is something that both people have to desire passionately. Ze said that ze might want one in the future, so I was still hoping, but I was fine with not having it. Ze didn't believe that I was fine, felt pressured to hurry up and be ready, so decided that ze didn't want a friendship with me at all and ended it by sending me an email that said horrible things about me. That was hard to recover from, because I had thought ze had a positive opinion of me, but eventually I realized that ze had chosen to believe those things about me in order to feel okay ending the relationship.
Almost exactly 2 years after the breakup, ze emailed me and apologized for the way it ended. Ze was incredibly humble and thoughtful in her apology and I was very grateful. I wrote zir back and apologized for my part in it, which I had never really realized before because I had been thinking of how I would feel in zir situation, instead of how ZE would feel, which is quite different. Neither of us suggested starting up a friendship again yet, but I think at some point we definitely will be friends again.
*stops editing and goes to bed*