dream (spirit-brother) / abandoned / death of an old friendship
I slept today and dreamed that I met my spirit-brother, (only without all the negative connotations I have with the word brother). It was amazing, he was so loving and protective and gentle (he actually reminded me of my friend Michael, but only sorta). The atmosphere of the dream was threatening, but I felt safe because he was there. And then he just left, though I'm not sure if that was because I half-woke or because he left in the dream, it's all fuzzy -- but it made me cry. I felt abandoned... but Ben came over and comforted me, even squeezing on our narrow couch to lay with me and hold me. Without him I think I would have cried for hours.
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I've been feeling very abandoned lately. Two of my favorite friends switched LJs and didn't invite me to the new one (the first friend I actually asked to be added to the new one, hoping that I'd just been overlooked; the second I didn't ask). Three people I really cared about recently unfriended me, one for personal reasons and the other two for nude icons. It's all understandable and I don't harbor bitterness or anger, but it still hurts. And (I can't believe I forgot to include this) losing Anika back in March... and sorta-kinda losing Rebecca as she married and moved far away.
Then I found out that one of my oldest friends, a face-to-face friend I've known since high school, unfriended me today. Back in April we emailed back and forth a bit, but I never got a response to the last one I sent. She never told me why she didn't respond to my comments when she responded to everyone else's, why she stopped answering or returning my calls. And then I offended her by posting something vague about how I felt sad that she was so busy she had no time for me... (I didn't mention anything about the calls or comments in my journal, only in the email I sent her) I think she finds it offensive for me to post about her at all. But I did the best I could while still remaining true to myself. I didn't say anything negative, didn't imply that she was doing anything mean, just stated the facts and how they made me feel. I can't just not post about something that really bothers me; this is my journal, this is my expression of self. And while I am willing to refrain from judging, I am not going to refrain from posting about the death of a friendship that meant a lot to me.
I have no idea what her motives are, and I can't keep my mind from circling, circling, wondering what I could have done better, wondering IF there is anything I could have done or if this was inevitable. I can't believe it's over. I'm still hoping that some years down the road we can be friends again, but... and it's been dead for a long time now, but this was sorta the symbolic send-off. I consider unfriending my journal to be a declaration that the friendship is over, because my journal is such a part of me that if you don't want it, you don't want me.
She's such an incredible person, so firey and glowing and passionate and creative... I feel like my life has lost color because she has stepped out of it for real (for now anyway). Even though we weren't in contact, I hoped that she had the same hope of a future friendship. I loved her so much. Just yesterday I was thinking of her and considering asking her to go to a Mutemath concert with me next month, since she used to be a fan of Earthsuit, the group's former incarnation. She's the only friend I have that would have enjoyed that -- and I don't even know her well enough nowadays to know if she'd have liked that.
I feel like I'm going through some sort of friend metamorphosis, shedding old friends. I am hoping that it's over and I get to keep the rest of you, but I fear that I'm going to lose at least one more... I won't change myself to suit, I won't won't won't CAN'T, I have fought too hard to be myself. If being myself means offending people, getting rejected, being abandoned, then so be it. The pain of those things is less than the pain of warping myself to fit others.
Those of you who have stuck with me and accepted (if not loved or approved of) all my facets, thank you. Thank you. You give me the strength to go on, to accept myself and love the parts of me that are objectionable to others. And you sure as hell better believe that I love every bit of you! Our 'imperfections' make us who we are. I think the bravest and most beautiful thing is to look at yourself honestly and seek to grow in the immature areas, seek to become who you were created to be. You're lovely, and you are not flawed. Those 'flaws' are places that you are young, and when you mature, they will be your strongest areas. I love you, love you, love you, every one of you, every facet of you. ♥