Stasis. And the Fear Of.
What are we afraid of? I'm definitely afraid of living life, that's for sure. That's why I sit in my parent's living room most days and tool around online and watch crappy television on obscure blogs and write meaningless blogs and stories that will most likely never see the light of day; terrified of doing anything that would make me vulnerable. I'm also scared of permanency. (These two things are hilarious when you put them in the context of I've finally acclimated myself to the concept of being in a relationship and wouldn't mind trying that out - iffin I could actually meet someone.)
Permanency freaks me out, I'm not sure why, quite frankly. The idea of being in one place all the time and not seeing all the other cool things there are to see in this world is a bit daunting. I guess I'm just too much of a dreamer in that regard. I want to be everywhere at once, I love being involved, but I never seemed to be!
Kimya Dawson was supposed to be playing last week in Boston and I didn't go (I also heard she didn't play because there wasn't a safe place to leave her daughter while she performed so apparently I didn't miss anything more than just meeting her). But I knew she was going to be there on Newbury St. and I didn't go. All these cool things that I am aware of and I don't involve myself in them. A social outing for me has become going to church and an occasional lunch with my sister.
Ok, pity party over; I made my bed and all that.
Ok, down to business: the fear of permanency. What does it actually mean? Well, for me I think its just that I don't want to be cornered into something not of my choosing. I'm not certain why that fear is so strong, but I am so afraid of being forced to live some kind of life not of my choosing that I'm not exactly sure I know what I want. I know I would have appreciated going to Grad School, but I think the main reason I was interested is because other people wanted it for me. And working at Nature's Classroom was entirely because Beth wanted me to. I've moved so far away from anything that I've ever wanted out of life -- if I ever knew that to begin with -- that I'm not really sure what I want. I'm not ready for a nine to five, paying rent and settling down. I haven't been up in the air yet! Why would I start settling down now?
Perhaps one day when I get some sense and some perspective I'll want to settle down, get married, buy a house, have children, eugh. It might happen. It might not. Either way I'm not ready to think about it. I don't want to get married and have children and raise them and get mad at them for doing astronomically stupid things that I did at their age!
I want to live a waiflike existence and am not doing anything to line up my waiflike occupations. Cause, you know, even waifs need to eat!
I'm also under the delusion that living a permanent kind of life equals confinement and stagnation. I really don't want to be stuck in stasis. I want to open up my options and have that freedom to take off at a moments notice. To be mobile is to be alive. Unfortunately finances don't exactly allow that kind of life. Must work on that.
Permanency freaks me out, I'm not sure why, quite frankly. The idea of being in one place all the time and not seeing all the other cool things there are to see in this world is a bit daunting. I guess I'm just too much of a dreamer in that regard. I want to be everywhere at once, I love being involved, but I never seemed to be!
Kimya Dawson was supposed to be playing last week in Boston and I didn't go (I also heard she didn't play because there wasn't a safe place to leave her daughter while she performed so apparently I didn't miss anything more than just meeting her). But I knew she was going to be there on Newbury St. and I didn't go. All these cool things that I am aware of and I don't involve myself in them. A social outing for me has become going to church and an occasional lunch with my sister.
Ok, pity party over; I made my bed and all that.
Ok, down to business: the fear of permanency. What does it actually mean? Well, for me I think its just that I don't want to be cornered into something not of my choosing. I'm not certain why that fear is so strong, but I am so afraid of being forced to live some kind of life not of my choosing that I'm not exactly sure I know what I want. I know I would have appreciated going to Grad School, but I think the main reason I was interested is because other people wanted it for me. And working at Nature's Classroom was entirely because Beth wanted me to. I've moved so far away from anything that I've ever wanted out of life -- if I ever knew that to begin with -- that I'm not really sure what I want. I'm not ready for a nine to five, paying rent and settling down. I haven't been up in the air yet! Why would I start settling down now?
Perhaps one day when I get some sense and some perspective I'll want to settle down, get married, buy a house, have children, eugh. It might happen. It might not. Either way I'm not ready to think about it. I don't want to get married and have children and raise them and get mad at them for doing astronomically stupid things that I did at their age!
I want to live a waiflike existence and am not doing anything to line up my waiflike occupations. Cause, you know, even waifs need to eat!
I'm also under the delusion that living a permanent kind of life equals confinement and stagnation. I really don't want to be stuck in stasis. I want to open up my options and have that freedom to take off at a moments notice. To be mobile is to be alive. Unfortunately finances don't exactly allow that kind of life. Must work on that.