welcome to my life
I cant take this anymore! there is noone for me to talk to noone for me to call to calm me down and there is no place that i can go to be alone i just cant take it! i thought htis collehe thing was so much fun at first and at times it still is, but not recently. i dont care about it, about any of it or anything im getting more and more stressed as the days go by i just wanna give up and quit its not fun anymore i dont care about it. i wrack my brains studying and teaching others that material...but for what!? for nothing! it doesnt work! it doesnt pay off!! as soon as the test or quiz is handing out my entire brain goes completely blank!! why bother wasting my time studying anymore, i mean its completely worthless! i pulled an all nigther on wed night for a math test, i understood it all front and back, when it came time for the test....gone...all of it, and what did i end up getting!? a 58! yeah your right, its not worth it. i mean lets just be serious...thatsnot gunna slide. But then again its not like my other classes are any different. Bio can f***in die! i love that class the professors are amazin and the material is so intesting! i mena and i understand it all, well minus the tests, i understand the stuff more than anyone, the night before tests and quizes i end up going into my RA's room and teach her my roomate my friend and her friends all Bio and they are all like you are so much better than the professors....the next day they take the tests and get like 80s because i taught them all the stuff and what am i left with?! a freeking 64!! maybe i pushed myself too hard to be here, maybe im not smart enough to be here, (although my RA is always like you are the smartest person i know) my grades just dont show, maybe ill transfer ive been thinking alot about that lately. its not that i dont love it here, maybe just a change, a little easier, that way it takes that stress off me, and then i can concentrate on myself more. Welp so much for Med School!
i know friends are always like you can call me, but i mean, everyone is saying oh you can call me if you have probelems, but do they call you?? i mean at college people have completely different sceduals and esp with finals now and everything everyone is doing their own thing. i know that i could call you, but i dont want to bother you, i never want to bother anyone! why shouldt hey have this extra bruden of my saddness on them when they have to deal with their own things...thats always my thing... i never wanna be anyones problem, or something like that....
And then there is my fucking roomate! she pulls all nighters all the time, she has become like omg whats that word when you stay up all night and sleep all day...well yeah thats what she is, she is always in the room during the day sleeping, she doesnt do like any work , so i have no idea what she does at night, all i know is that shes not in the room. The room smells cause she sits in here with the windows and door closed! and she eats weird food inhere that smells, so finally yesterday i bought a candel, even thought its against the rules for the dorm...lol oh well w/e so that helps a little. my roomate is so inconsiderate, she burnt a hole in my sheets about a month or so ago cause the mirror was at the foot of my bed so she would just place her stuff on my bed...including the hot iron!! (dumbass) and well at home her father would always turn off the straightener when she was finished cause she would always forget to turn it off, and well that didtn change at college and her father is not here to turn it off...lets just say i came back to hte room a few hours later adn then was a straightening iron melted to my bed. hot metle objects and cotten fabrics arent really that safe together. she also likes to talk to her exboyfriend Prince, yes Prince, on the fone at like 430 in the morning...in the ROOM!!! and then she has the nurve to ask me to put earplugs in when i tell her to be quiet... lol yeah but thatstuff doesnt really get me upset, its kinda funny actually but yeah
aahh omg she is taking a nap right now and her alarm has been going off for like 5 min cause she doesnt wake up, adn its the annoying one thats like BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP AAHHH shoot me in the head!!! no seriously please!!! i just wish i could fall asleep and never have to wake up, like thats how i feel right now, i dont want to deal with the world, deal with people, anything, i hate it all....i try to sleep so i dont have to deal with it, but icant sleep, there are too many things running through my head! there are way too many distractions the thoughts just form a spiderweb in my head. i just dont know what to do anymore. i went through thisonce, why the hell do i have to go through this again, im on medication what the fuck i thought its supose to stop all of these feelings and thoughts!!!!
well off to try that sleep and not wake up thing....