Mean boys suck
So I had a little get together tonight at a bar near my old job, to say a proper good-bye to my co-workers. Since being here in New York, my co-workers have been the bulk of my social life since I would spend at least 40 hours a week with them, so I have been missing them a lot. It was good to see everyone, but a bit bittersweet because the one person I was hoping would show up did not come. And it's one of those situations where the lack of action speaks louder than actual words.This friend and I had a falling out because, well, read my previous 2 blogs and you'll know the story. However, my anger has pretty much vanished and now that I’m sane enough again, I thought I should at least make an effort to make amends. Not even that I felt I was in the wrong, he was the one who treated me as if I don't matter, and was callous and cold when I needed him to be honest with me. But being the one who is spiritually mature, I felt it was important to humble myself and do the right thing. I sent him an email, with a casual, quick apology and told him it would be real cool of him to come through to my party tonight, since he works 1 block away and loves free drinks.
I should've known better when he didn't email me back, but I thought maybe he just doesn't know what to say and will just show up and at least things will be positive between us. I know we're not going to be best friends, and I don't want/ need that, but at least let there be a window of opportunity for positive things to happen and not the closed door that I instituted when he continued to hurt my feelings. Well, he didn't come and every time his name was mentioned all I could do was grin and bear it. But my feelings are really hurt.... like beyond what I can even type right here.
It's one thing to treat someone badly and have them reject you. I understand that. But I have never treated him in any way that was insensitive, disrespectful, or whatever. NEVER. Even when I had the right to be all those things, I wasn't. Now yes, I call him all kinds of names here (see previous blogs), but even so I still treated him how I would want someone to treat me. Besides, our friendship is more than just the past 3 weeks of nonsense, or so I thought. But what he is telling me by 1) not responding to my email and 2) not attending my party is that he doesn't give a f*ck about me. That's a hard truth to swallow. To think that this person I felt close enough with to tell him first when I decided to leave my job, to open up to him, give him an AWESOME Christmas gift (etc), that he doesn't respect me, doesn't care for, dislikes me, whatever is just like WTF!!! I want to be angry, but I'm so hurt...
And to top all that off, a mutual "friend" of ours who has shown her true colors as well, also acted shady and didn't show up. And even one of the people who did show up, has now gotten so close to him that I don't even trust him. I truly believe that "birds of a feather stick together" and if this "friend" can treat me SOOOOO wrong without even batting an eyelash, I need to be on guard with anyone else who spends that much time with him. What's more is that my friend mentioned to me that not only is he still after that woman at the job (even though she's married), but that this woman has the nerve to be angry with ME for not inviting her to my parties. Again, WTF??? We we're never that close and what's more, the guy I am sweatin' is sweatin' her and even though she's married she's probably still sleeping with him. Why would I want to spend time with this woman? So I can see her and the man I want all over each other, like at our holiday party? No thanks; I left the holiday party in TEARS.... I could barely speak to the cab driver and give him directions to my house. I felt like such an idiot. Let's not revisit that again.
I also had another friend tell me; maybe he doesn't like you because you're black. Excuse me? I thought he was black. He refers to himself as a nigga and would damn sure be working on the plantation with me if this were pre-civil war America. Are you kidding me? I guess he's Indian, although he's from the Caribbean or some ish. Whatever the case, I know what it's like when a guy doesn't like you. I know how he treats you. Do guys who don't like you caress your face, ask for massages, bring you food from their home and tell you that they think you're sexy? Oh well, it's moot at this point... what else can I say?
I didn't move to New York to be rejected by people who claim to be my friends. Reject me all you want people on the subway, strangers at bars and other douche bags, but not after you front like we're cool and I can trust you. I just feel like what is wrong with me... what's so bad about me that makes this dude not even want to be friendly, or makes our other mutual friends act shady? Is it because I’m fat? I may be thick, but I know I am still cute. Trust. Am I dumb? Not funny enough? Pathetic? WTF? I just wish I knew why, so at least it would make sense. I am really put out right now; I don't know what to even think. How did I get here? I am too old to be trippin' off people who don't give a f*ck about me. I'm not perfect, but I don't deserve this... I don't. And what's hard is seeing people who are "less than you" getting what you want. Like, how am I being passed over for a barely educated, havin' mad kids and grandkids grandma who is easy? How am I being passed up for HER?
Since it's livejournal, I can't go into too much detail, but something happened last night with me at home that made me realize that maybe I’m not cut out for all this. I have always been very sensitive, and so it's not NYC's brashness that gets to me. But for me, opening up and putting myself out there is a big deal and I have and will be rejected from time to time, but I feel betrayed. And although logically I know something must be wrong with these people, emotionally I feel like something must be wrong with me. Like what is it about me that made these" friends" turn their back on me? I feel helpless in a sense, because what else can I do? It just hurts to know that someone who matters to you a lot doesn't give a flying sh*t about you, and there is little you can do about it. I may be leaving NYC next week, at least for a few weeks. Again, I can't go into detail, but this whole issue has been a catalyst for so much other chaos in my life that I feel like I’m drowning here. Plus, I miss tan white people and sunny days that mean shorts and bathing suits, not uggs and down coats.
This sucks :(
I should've known better when he didn't email me back, but I thought maybe he just doesn't know what to say and will just show up and at least things will be positive between us. I know we're not going to be best friends, and I don't want/ need that, but at least let there be a window of opportunity for positive things to happen and not the closed door that I instituted when he continued to hurt my feelings. Well, he didn't come and every time his name was mentioned all I could do was grin and bear it. But my feelings are really hurt.... like beyond what I can even type right here.
It's one thing to treat someone badly and have them reject you. I understand that. But I have never treated him in any way that was insensitive, disrespectful, or whatever. NEVER. Even when I had the right to be all those things, I wasn't. Now yes, I call him all kinds of names here (see previous blogs), but even so I still treated him how I would want someone to treat me. Besides, our friendship is more than just the past 3 weeks of nonsense, or so I thought. But what he is telling me by 1) not responding to my email and 2) not attending my party is that he doesn't give a f*ck about me. That's a hard truth to swallow. To think that this person I felt close enough with to tell him first when I decided to leave my job, to open up to him, give him an AWESOME Christmas gift (etc), that he doesn't respect me, doesn't care for, dislikes me, whatever is just like WTF!!! I want to be angry, but I'm so hurt...
And to top all that off, a mutual "friend" of ours who has shown her true colors as well, also acted shady and didn't show up. And even one of the people who did show up, has now gotten so close to him that I don't even trust him. I truly believe that "birds of a feather stick together" and if this "friend" can treat me SOOOOO wrong without even batting an eyelash, I need to be on guard with anyone else who spends that much time with him. What's more is that my friend mentioned to me that not only is he still after that woman at the job (even though she's married), but that this woman has the nerve to be angry with ME for not inviting her to my parties. Again, WTF??? We we're never that close and what's more, the guy I am sweatin' is sweatin' her and even though she's married she's probably still sleeping with him. Why would I want to spend time with this woman? So I can see her and the man I want all over each other, like at our holiday party? No thanks; I left the holiday party in TEARS.... I could barely speak to the cab driver and give him directions to my house. I felt like such an idiot. Let's not revisit that again.
I also had another friend tell me; maybe he doesn't like you because you're black. Excuse me? I thought he was black. He refers to himself as a nigga and would damn sure be working on the plantation with me if this were pre-civil war America. Are you kidding me? I guess he's Indian, although he's from the Caribbean or some ish. Whatever the case, I know what it's like when a guy doesn't like you. I know how he treats you. Do guys who don't like you caress your face, ask for massages, bring you food from their home and tell you that they think you're sexy? Oh well, it's moot at this point... what else can I say?
I didn't move to New York to be rejected by people who claim to be my friends. Reject me all you want people on the subway, strangers at bars and other douche bags, but not after you front like we're cool and I can trust you. I just feel like what is wrong with me... what's so bad about me that makes this dude not even want to be friendly, or makes our other mutual friends act shady? Is it because I’m fat? I may be thick, but I know I am still cute. Trust. Am I dumb? Not funny enough? Pathetic? WTF? I just wish I knew why, so at least it would make sense. I am really put out right now; I don't know what to even think. How did I get here? I am too old to be trippin' off people who don't give a f*ck about me. I'm not perfect, but I don't deserve this... I don't. And what's hard is seeing people who are "less than you" getting what you want. Like, how am I being passed over for a barely educated, havin' mad kids and grandkids grandma who is easy? How am I being passed up for HER?
Since it's livejournal, I can't go into too much detail, but something happened last night with me at home that made me realize that maybe I’m not cut out for all this. I have always been very sensitive, and so it's not NYC's brashness that gets to me. But for me, opening up and putting myself out there is a big deal and I have and will be rejected from time to time, but I feel betrayed. And although logically I know something must be wrong with these people, emotionally I feel like something must be wrong with me. Like what is it about me that made these" friends" turn their back on me? I feel helpless in a sense, because what else can I do? It just hurts to know that someone who matters to you a lot doesn't give a flying sh*t about you, and there is little you can do about it. I may be leaving NYC next week, at least for a few weeks. Again, I can't go into detail, but this whole issue has been a catalyst for so much other chaos in my life that I feel like I’m drowning here. Plus, I miss tan white people and sunny days that mean shorts and bathing suits, not uggs and down coats.
This sucks :(