The Overwhelming Indecision.
When we left off, I described how my life was comfortable enough and close enough to my goals currently that I could just stay here and not be unhappy. Or so I think. But I am restless and I feel the creep of unhappiness in the back of my skull, so perhaps it is time for a change. Here is where the REAL issue of restlessness surfaces, and it is the tug of war between all of these choices which is completely paralyzing me to do anything at all and forcing me to surrender to the trapping comfort that is my life currently. If I was unhappy or wasn't doing anything towards my goals, I could force myself out of this sphere and make a decision no matter the risk. But being happy/comfortable keeps pulling me back when taking that risk could put me in such a worse position.
I guess we will start with goals. For a long time now I have said my goal in life is to make a survivable living off of theatre alone. This is still my main goal, it hasn't changed for years. Other goals, however, are nearly just as important and are creeping in around the sides of this goal. Some are complimentary, some are not. I want to lose weight. Like, I need to lose weight. I KNOW this. For my own happiness, sanity and health, I need to lose weight. But I don't eat horribly right now and my waitressing work is immensely active. Still, I need to do more. My last major goal for the moment is that I want to meet someone, get married and have kids. I really want children, and I'm not getting any younger. Women start losing fertility at age 27. Im 24. The clock is ticking. Oh, I also want to move back to Toronto, but that is a goal which I am fairly certain is long dead for me.
Let's reiterate goals. Or for your too long/don't read people: 1. Make a survivable living in theatre. 2. Lose weight 3. Get married and have kids 4. Move back to Toronto.
Not too bad for major goals in life and not totally impossible either. Now, a few of these goals are actually in my grasp at the moment. Hell, all of them but Toronto. Right now, with the income I'm making from the two dinner theatres I work for, I could quit the restaurant and start directing full time. I actually have been wanting to write a post about this, but I guess it got mixed in with all this stuff. My roommate recently quit his back up job and is now just music directing full time. I really almost want to follow him down that same primrose path.
I have a rehearsal space. There are definitely a few rentable theatre loctions in Pittsburgh. I should have been directing things here a long time ago, but the majority of actors I'd be working with have 9-5 jobs and only can rehearse in the evenings. Between nights at the restaurant being the only time to make money, and all my other shows being at night, I rarely have an evening free, much less enough time to actually rehearse a show. So I've put off directing anything in Pittsburgh. I would have to quit my restaurant job to do it and that is a huge decision which could back fire and take me out of the financial comfort I've found right now. It also would require me to stay in Pittsburgh fairly long term, so I haven't found the courage to do it.
As for losing weight, that's my own laziness. Of course, I make excuses. It's very expensive to join a gym here and that's the only time I've been actively able to keep a work out schedule, when I was going to a gym. I could walk or jog, but I live in a very dangerous neighborhood and would probably be mugged. I could try and join curves, but it is also very expensive, forces you into a plan/year long membership, and everyone I've talked to said it got mind numbingly boring in a week. Besides, I don't totally hate myself. I have a man who likes me/is attracted to me enough to want sex. I've got lots of clothes and a kick ass fashion sense for my size. I can pull it off. I'm comfortable, so I stay.
The other goal is a bit more far fetched, but still possible. This thing with Kyle isn't bad. It's not perfect, but it has potential. still, we cannot explore that potential 3 hours away from each other. He has a very good job which he loves in Columbus, so I would have to be the one to move there. Doing so would mean I'd have a relationship and probably take me one step closer to marriage/kids. But it would also mean I'd give up all the progress I've made in the acting industry here in Pittsburgh. I'd be starting over from scratch in Columbus and, especially in my field, there is no chance if I'd manage to gain foothold again. So, once more my comfort here is taking me out of making that choice or taking that risk.
So, what do I do? I have no clue. If I move to Columbus, I lose a lot of steam towards my goal in theatre and maybe even sacarfice that for an unsure thing. If I quit my restaurant job here, I am closer to making a survivable living in theatre alone but I lose my financial stability and I certainly can't afford a gym then. If I do join a gym, I lock myself into being in Pittsburgh for at least another year and making certain I keep the restaurant job all of that time so I can pay my membership bill. All of these goals currently seem contrary to each other and, therefore, I find myself paralyzed to making any sort of decision. Comfot draws me back and here I am.
I just wish I weren't so restless.
I guess we will start with goals. For a long time now I have said my goal in life is to make a survivable living off of theatre alone. This is still my main goal, it hasn't changed for years. Other goals, however, are nearly just as important and are creeping in around the sides of this goal. Some are complimentary, some are not. I want to lose weight. Like, I need to lose weight. I KNOW this. For my own happiness, sanity and health, I need to lose weight. But I don't eat horribly right now and my waitressing work is immensely active. Still, I need to do more. My last major goal for the moment is that I want to meet someone, get married and have kids. I really want children, and I'm not getting any younger. Women start losing fertility at age 27. Im 24. The clock is ticking. Oh, I also want to move back to Toronto, but that is a goal which I am fairly certain is long dead for me.
Let's reiterate goals. Or for your too long/don't read people: 1. Make a survivable living in theatre. 2. Lose weight 3. Get married and have kids 4. Move back to Toronto.
Not too bad for major goals in life and not totally impossible either. Now, a few of these goals are actually in my grasp at the moment. Hell, all of them but Toronto. Right now, with the income I'm making from the two dinner theatres I work for, I could quit the restaurant and start directing full time. I actually have been wanting to write a post about this, but I guess it got mixed in with all this stuff. My roommate recently quit his back up job and is now just music directing full time. I really almost want to follow him down that same primrose path.
I have a rehearsal space. There are definitely a few rentable theatre loctions in Pittsburgh. I should have been directing things here a long time ago, but the majority of actors I'd be working with have 9-5 jobs and only can rehearse in the evenings. Between nights at the restaurant being the only time to make money, and all my other shows being at night, I rarely have an evening free, much less enough time to actually rehearse a show. So I've put off directing anything in Pittsburgh. I would have to quit my restaurant job to do it and that is a huge decision which could back fire and take me out of the financial comfort I've found right now. It also would require me to stay in Pittsburgh fairly long term, so I haven't found the courage to do it.
As for losing weight, that's my own laziness. Of course, I make excuses. It's very expensive to join a gym here and that's the only time I've been actively able to keep a work out schedule, when I was going to a gym. I could walk or jog, but I live in a very dangerous neighborhood and would probably be mugged. I could try and join curves, but it is also very expensive, forces you into a plan/year long membership, and everyone I've talked to said it got mind numbingly boring in a week. Besides, I don't totally hate myself. I have a man who likes me/is attracted to me enough to want sex. I've got lots of clothes and a kick ass fashion sense for my size. I can pull it off. I'm comfortable, so I stay.
The other goal is a bit more far fetched, but still possible. This thing with Kyle isn't bad. It's not perfect, but it has potential. still, we cannot explore that potential 3 hours away from each other. He has a very good job which he loves in Columbus, so I would have to be the one to move there. Doing so would mean I'd have a relationship and probably take me one step closer to marriage/kids. But it would also mean I'd give up all the progress I've made in the acting industry here in Pittsburgh. I'd be starting over from scratch in Columbus and, especially in my field, there is no chance if I'd manage to gain foothold again. So, once more my comfort here is taking me out of making that choice or taking that risk.
So, what do I do? I have no clue. If I move to Columbus, I lose a lot of steam towards my goal in theatre and maybe even sacarfice that for an unsure thing. If I quit my restaurant job here, I am closer to making a survivable living in theatre alone but I lose my financial stability and I certainly can't afford a gym then. If I do join a gym, I lock myself into being in Pittsburgh for at least another year and making certain I keep the restaurant job all of that time so I can pay my membership bill. All of these goals currently seem contrary to each other and, therefore, I find myself paralyzed to making any sort of decision. Comfot draws me back and here I am.
I just wish I weren't so restless.