The Trap of Comfort.
This post isn't meant to be emo so much as thoughtful and at least getting some organized thoughts down on paper about where the future is or is not taking me. The basic themes include the trap of a comfortable situation and the scope of having too many options -- so many so that it paralyzes decisions for fear of making the wrong one (or making a decision at all, I guess). Anyway, read on if this intrigues you. If not, I shan't spam you friends page.
I will preface this with saying that I am very comfortable in my life right now. Hell, I'm almost happy. Or, I'm happy more often than I am sad, depressed or despondent, and that's a pretty damn good place to be in this life. As I hear both friends and family to the right and left of me lamenting about living paycheck to paycheck, that taxes cleaned out the tiny bit of money they managed to save this year or that my mother might re-mortgage her house again even though she makes 4 times as much as I do, I realize somehow I've managed to get myself on shockingly solid ground. I've saved several thousand dollars in one year. Hell, my father still owes me over 2,000 dollars he borrowed to pay gas and electric for his business months ago. And that's okay. I don't need it. All it would do is sit in a savings account, and goodness knows he's bailed me out in the past (including a 1,000 dollar plane ticket home from Hong Kong over the Christmas season).
Still, these are not issues I face. Somehow, I saved well over a quarter of my income last year. I have about 200 dollars in loose debt on credit cards and a car that, knock on wood, still runs rather well and has given me great service for a year. My rent is next to nothing, I live 2 minutes from the most hopping part of Pittsburgh. My various jobs that I have permit me to sleep in until noon, party until 2 am, drink when I like, make a few hundred bucks in the span of 4 hours sometimes, and allow me to do theatre on a regular basis. Both theatre companies for which I work can't get enough of me, to the point that I'm now having to make decisions between doing shows for one or shows for the other. So I am actively making money in my career of choice and my back up job doesn't eat my entire life or soul. To top it all off, I'm in a relationship where I can get regular sex, cuddling and care without having to be in an everyday relationship which I really have to work upon.
Needless to say, I'm in a very, very comfortable position right now. There is a trap in such comfort. It means that I don't have to move. I don't have to push forward or grow to stay content, or so I think. My few month stay in Pittsburgh after returning home from China has turned into a 16 month start to a life which I could do with fair happiness for the rest of my days. But is that enough? Of course there is more I want in life, but no life is perfect. Why not stay here, do this, and say I achieved 'pretty much' what I set out to do? I guess I even know that is not the answer and so I am growing more and more restless with life. Now this entry is getting too long, so I'll leave it off there. I guess return next time for the overwhelming possibilities and decisions for change to come.
I will preface this with saying that I am very comfortable in my life right now. Hell, I'm almost happy. Or, I'm happy more often than I am sad, depressed or despondent, and that's a pretty damn good place to be in this life. As I hear both friends and family to the right and left of me lamenting about living paycheck to paycheck, that taxes cleaned out the tiny bit of money they managed to save this year or that my mother might re-mortgage her house again even though she makes 4 times as much as I do, I realize somehow I've managed to get myself on shockingly solid ground. I've saved several thousand dollars in one year. Hell, my father still owes me over 2,000 dollars he borrowed to pay gas and electric for his business months ago. And that's okay. I don't need it. All it would do is sit in a savings account, and goodness knows he's bailed me out in the past (including a 1,000 dollar plane ticket home from Hong Kong over the Christmas season).
Still, these are not issues I face. Somehow, I saved well over a quarter of my income last year. I have about 200 dollars in loose debt on credit cards and a car that, knock on wood, still runs rather well and has given me great service for a year. My rent is next to nothing, I live 2 minutes from the most hopping part of Pittsburgh. My various jobs that I have permit me to sleep in until noon, party until 2 am, drink when I like, make a few hundred bucks in the span of 4 hours sometimes, and allow me to do theatre on a regular basis. Both theatre companies for which I work can't get enough of me, to the point that I'm now having to make decisions between doing shows for one or shows for the other. So I am actively making money in my career of choice and my back up job doesn't eat my entire life or soul. To top it all off, I'm in a relationship where I can get regular sex, cuddling and care without having to be in an everyday relationship which I really have to work upon.
Needless to say, I'm in a very, very comfortable position right now. There is a trap in such comfort. It means that I don't have to move. I don't have to push forward or grow to stay content, or so I think. My few month stay in Pittsburgh after returning home from China has turned into a 16 month start to a life which I could do with fair happiness for the rest of my days. But is that enough? Of course there is more I want in life, but no life is perfect. Why not stay here, do this, and say I achieved 'pretty much' what I set out to do? I guess I even know that is not the answer and so I am growing more and more restless with life. Now this entry is getting too long, so I'll leave it off there. I guess return next time for the overwhelming possibilities and decisions for change to come.