(no subject)
albert einstein defines insanity as "doing the same thing over and over expecting different results". i feel as though i am starting to reach that point. thomas told me that when i was...where i was in my marriage.
lately i've been having a hard time dealing with emotional infidelity on my other's half. i had something similar, yet when on for much longer, happen during the first 6 months of my marriage. and that's when i stopped having sex with tom. unless i was wasted or he just got back from a mission. i've started to have similar feelings in regards to tyler, luckily he isn't here for me to worry about having sex with him and i have amble time to work through my trust issues and he has plenty of time to just do what he does and let me trust him again.
this is what i was going to write about in depth tonight.
the differences between tom and tyler, how to help coax my sexual/emotional ties to be a little more appropriate, and to learn to trust again because i honestly never really got a chance to heal from what happened at the begining of my marriage and it just got perpetually worse. and i'd totally like to avoid that and, ya know, grow :)
instead i am going to look at similarities of the role tyler plays in our relationship and my role in my marriage. going back to look at entries that i posted while i was married is kind of hard. i put all the blame on me, when that wasn't the case. feeling any emotion wasn't okay there, and i realize no relationship i have in the future will be like that nor am i stating that my current one is. but tom is a good person. not good for me, but a good person. and i saw that, i knew that. and while i loved him, he was not what was best for me. i had a hard time figuring out why i couldn't be happy or why i couldn't get motivated to make myself better or happy or to do much of anything. i knew that my life with thomas could've been great if i let it. and it could've been. but it just wasn't right for me. i couldn't change the facts: that he was great on paper and the idea of our marriage working out was magical but the reality is that it just didn't work. for whatever reason, he wasn't home to me.
i received a 23 message long text of writing that tyler did today, that i did ask to read. i'll spare myself the gorey details and just say that from what i gather he realizes that i'm a good person, that he cares about me, that i look good in person (HA!) and on paper but i just can't keep his focus. and it's frustrating for him. because the shiny object of the unknown (now staying in, going to japan, wanting to have fun where i'm not comfortable) is pulling him from what he WANTS to be with me. it's fairly obvious to me. that he knows he should love me. he knows that i treat him well. girls like me are not a dime a dozen (at least with that whole sanity card tossed in there, that's evidently a key point to my unique self). but.
he just doesn't.
i'm not saying he doesn't love me. he loves me. but i'm not home to him like he is home to me. and maybe, home isn't what he needs right now. in a person or otherwise. and i can't be upset with him for that.
but i can't help but want to smack myself on the fucking forehead and just yell COME ON! WTF, DUDE! seriously, you've only got yourself to blame for this one.
lately i've been having a hard time dealing with emotional infidelity on my other's half. i had something similar, yet when on for much longer, happen during the first 6 months of my marriage. and that's when i stopped having sex with tom. unless i was wasted or he just got back from a mission. i've started to have similar feelings in regards to tyler, luckily he isn't here for me to worry about having sex with him and i have amble time to work through my trust issues and he has plenty of time to just do what he does and let me trust him again.
this is what i was going to write about in depth tonight.
the differences between tom and tyler, how to help coax my sexual/emotional ties to be a little more appropriate, and to learn to trust again because i honestly never really got a chance to heal from what happened at the begining of my marriage and it just got perpetually worse. and i'd totally like to avoid that and, ya know, grow :)
instead i am going to look at similarities of the role tyler plays in our relationship and my role in my marriage. going back to look at entries that i posted while i was married is kind of hard. i put all the blame on me, when that wasn't the case. feeling any emotion wasn't okay there, and i realize no relationship i have in the future will be like that nor am i stating that my current one is. but tom is a good person. not good for me, but a good person. and i saw that, i knew that. and while i loved him, he was not what was best for me. i had a hard time figuring out why i couldn't be happy or why i couldn't get motivated to make myself better or happy or to do much of anything. i knew that my life with thomas could've been great if i let it. and it could've been. but it just wasn't right for me. i couldn't change the facts: that he was great on paper and the idea of our marriage working out was magical but the reality is that it just didn't work. for whatever reason, he wasn't home to me.
i received a 23 message long text of writing that tyler did today, that i did ask to read. i'll spare myself the gorey details and just say that from what i gather he realizes that i'm a good person, that he cares about me, that i look good in person (HA!) and on paper but i just can't keep his focus. and it's frustrating for him. because the shiny object of the unknown (now staying in, going to japan, wanting to have fun where i'm not comfortable) is pulling him from what he WANTS to be with me. it's fairly obvious to me. that he knows he should love me. he knows that i treat him well. girls like me are not a dime a dozen (at least with that whole sanity card tossed in there, that's evidently a key point to my unique self). but.
he just doesn't.
i'm not saying he doesn't love me. he loves me. but i'm not home to him like he is home to me. and maybe, home isn't what he needs right now. in a person or otherwise. and i can't be upset with him for that.
but i can't help but want to smack myself on the fucking forehead and just yell COME ON! WTF, DUDE! seriously, you've only got yourself to blame for this one.