(no subject)
today i saw off one of my closest friends. i was starting to have a little bit of anxiety about the whole situation because the last time i was going through this it was to see tyler off. when i was throwing up my favorite foods for a day before and days after. total emotional i don't even know what.
i've realized that i've developed an issue with being left by people i care about.
tyler leaving was one of the hardest things i've have to work through. and i realize now looking back on it that i have a great ability to deal with unbelievable amounts of not only emotional pain and heartache, but mental mindfucks. and i'm really actually amazed by it. reliving some of those feelings, just by driving to that fucking airport and sitting there waiting for him to board, made me realize just how painful that was. even if it was just a little shadow of it in the past, and what i was feeling today was no where near what i was feeling then, it made me see just how terrible of a situation that is. and it isn't a woe is me or my life it terrible but as the girl of a man in the military we put up with so much shit! i am so thankful that i will not have to do this again with tyler. although i do forsee this happening again with tom, which again, makes me nervous to think about but on a sophie level.
i never noticed that over the years of my dating career, my marriage, my relationship with tyler have been pulled around a theme...either me leaving them in shambles or me being...left. with tom it was the constant threat of seperation and also his random deployments, and with tyler it was him having to leave and the "other ladies". before them, i'd ditch out at the first sight of unease (not necessarily a bad thing) but i always had an eye on who i would pursue next. and it wasn't because i was afraid of being alone, it was that i was afraid of being left and i had to stay on top of it. i remember my first heartbreak. i was ignored by him while we were ran into each other at the usual meet up spot with out friends, then when i confronted him about it he looked at me and skated away. i was literally left in 15 year old shambles in the park. i never realized that i actually have a fear of being left by someone that i love.
i started to think about how and where my relationship with tyler is going today and since we've started talking again, i've had up a wall. saying goodbye to matt made me realize that life is too short and i don't want to live in a half hearted world when i can give all that i have, much like i've done in the past with him. there is always a possibility of being hurt in anything that you do, but if you never try then you'll never know. then i was thinking about that wall. and why it is there in the first place, then it dawned on me. it was whitney. i never had a chance to deal with the specific hurt or betrayal i felt from that because i was dealing with the pain of tyler breaking up with me (two of my biggest fears in a relationship), and dealing with the total swing from buying engagement ring to nothing.
I AM BEYOND HURT BY TYLER TALKING TO WHITNEY. for looking for comfort or a possibility in someone else, even if he was honest with me. emotional cheating is just as bad as physical. and i'm still hurt. really hurt.
and i'm realizing that i can still be understanding and loving while working through something. and even if i'm being understanding and loving i can still feel things, too.
i'm pretty sure that the answer to this is fairly simple.
i just have to tell him how i feel.
***i feel as though i'd like to clarify my new definition of anxiety. it is no longer the panic attack, throat tightening, have to get out of where ever i am type of thing. it doesn't own me. it pretty much just a normal, i'm worried about this type of feeling. it's nice :)
i've realized that i've developed an issue with being left by people i care about.
tyler leaving was one of the hardest things i've have to work through. and i realize now looking back on it that i have a great ability to deal with unbelievable amounts of not only emotional pain and heartache, but mental mindfucks. and i'm really actually amazed by it. reliving some of those feelings, just by driving to that fucking airport and sitting there waiting for him to board, made me realize just how painful that was. even if it was just a little shadow of it in the past, and what i was feeling today was no where near what i was feeling then, it made me see just how terrible of a situation that is. and it isn't a woe is me or my life it terrible but as the girl of a man in the military we put up with so much shit! i am so thankful that i will not have to do this again with tyler. although i do forsee this happening again with tom, which again, makes me nervous to think about but on a sophie level.
i never noticed that over the years of my dating career, my marriage, my relationship with tyler have been pulled around a theme...either me leaving them in shambles or me being...left. with tom it was the constant threat of seperation and also his random deployments, and with tyler it was him having to leave and the "other ladies". before them, i'd ditch out at the first sight of unease (not necessarily a bad thing) but i always had an eye on who i would pursue next. and it wasn't because i was afraid of being alone, it was that i was afraid of being left and i had to stay on top of it. i remember my first heartbreak. i was ignored by him while we were ran into each other at the usual meet up spot with out friends, then when i confronted him about it he looked at me and skated away. i was literally left in 15 year old shambles in the park. i never realized that i actually have a fear of being left by someone that i love.
i started to think about how and where my relationship with tyler is going today and since we've started talking again, i've had up a wall. saying goodbye to matt made me realize that life is too short and i don't want to live in a half hearted world when i can give all that i have, much like i've done in the past with him. there is always a possibility of being hurt in anything that you do, but if you never try then you'll never know. then i was thinking about that wall. and why it is there in the first place, then it dawned on me. it was whitney. i never had a chance to deal with the specific hurt or betrayal i felt from that because i was dealing with the pain of tyler breaking up with me (two of my biggest fears in a relationship), and dealing with the total swing from buying engagement ring to nothing.
I AM BEYOND HURT BY TYLER TALKING TO WHITNEY. for looking for comfort or a possibility in someone else, even if he was honest with me. emotional cheating is just as bad as physical. and i'm still hurt. really hurt.
and i'm realizing that i can still be understanding and loving while working through something. and even if i'm being understanding and loving i can still feel things, too.
i'm pretty sure that the answer to this is fairly simple.
i just have to tell him how i feel.
***i feel as though i'd like to clarify my new definition of anxiety. it is no longer the panic attack, throat tightening, have to get out of where ever i am type of thing. it doesn't own me. it pretty much just a normal, i'm worried about this type of feeling. it's nice :)