Realization . . . ..alright, ok, you win.
As most of you might (or at least by now should) know, I originally used this livejournal blog (feeding into my facebook account), to harbor my day-to-day thoughts and feelings. As well as giving more detailed updates to friends, this is a place where I can vent and empty the mess in my head, to be subject to as much or as little criticism given. You don't HAVE to read this. If you are, I take it that you care enough about me to see what's going on, and I thank you dearly for that . . . .
. . . .but this is going to get weird (or just back to normal for my regular readers).
Most of this is in the moleskin, but it's more important for some of you to read it (mostly because you wanted it for a long time now, but you'll have to get through this thing). Being the "big guy", sure most people pick on me. I don't mind it at all, being the "gentle giant" that I am. I'm a nice, friendly, guy who mostly no one hates. So, today we played some basketball. I admit, I'm not exactly an "athletic" kid, but my size should at least give me some advantage. Yet still I'm not as successful as other kids MY SIZE. Why? I say it's because I'm not "agressive" enough- I don't want to hurt anyone, and I just take sports for fun. OK, so I try to be agressive, still no dice- no improvement whatsoever. Is there a problem with being too friendly? . . . .
So, one of my roommates, Matt, likes to pick on me and occassionally randomly attack me, in an effort to "toughen me up". I admit, I need it- I would like myself to fight back sometimes. Sure it's not the "right" way to get back, but I'd like to fit into the stereotype for once, cuzz I'm sick of people walking all over me (mentally, and in Matt's case, physically). So, he comes to attack me in the common room, I manage to get myself down into a chair, but that's about it, I can't even get him off of me. The only way he stops is because I picked up some of his calc notes next to the chair and toss them around the room (he's studying for an exam tomorrow). He and I also joke around about our majors (he's a civil engr, i'm mech engr) and he keeps saying how civils take better courses and have a higher immediate employment rate and pay rate than mechies do (which I'm pretty sure is false, but don't have good info to back me up, but neither does he). At this point, it is annoying me that he doesn't shut the fuck up, but I FUCKING BELIEVE WHAT HE SAYS! and start doubitng myself.
This is all bullshit, and I don't have to put up with it, but why do I let it get to me? Yeah sure I get pissed off a little, but I'm not AGGRAVATED! You know how when cartoon characters spurt steam from their ears or they go crazy and their muscles build up immediately? That doesn't happen to me! at all! I just can't get the courage nor the desire to just beat the shit out of the kid. I know he deserves it, but I don't want it to happen, and things like this just get me depressed.
BUT HERE'S THE KICKER- For those of you who have been reading this for at least the past year or two (pretty much since I started), you know that I believe that everything is mental. All you have to do is think of something and you will have the ability to change your emotions, feelings, and can achieve what you want. I CANT DO THAT RIGHT NOW! and it's fucking pissing me off. It's extremely overwhelming to not only NOT be able to "think" yourself to feel better, but it's just more depresseng because that means EVERYTHING I've said about feelings and emotions (ie; that whole love fiasco we all went through last year about respect and control and power) is proved false. Everything about happiness and depression and everything about "always thinking on the positive side" is all wrong. THAT is what's devastating me right now!
So here's your moment to laugh and point and smile and say "WE TOLD YOU SO!"
wait . . . . (this next part is happening real-time)
just thinking about what I said about the whole love and sadness thing, I'm pretty sure I keep saying that they're "natural". That "natural" emotions of course can't be changed by thought. Sadness just HAS to happen, you can't help it at all. THAT is overwhelming. Understanding why your sad doesn't make you any less sad, it just makes you OVERWHELMED. Understanding why you love someone doesn't make you love them less, it just makes you OVERWHELMED that you still love them for that reason. (I am standing by my whole control, power, physical attraction/"persversion" ideas).
I guess then I'm just OVERWHELMED because I don't want to fight back, but I do want to fight back (if you've been following this you should understand what I mean).
I'm more OVERWHELMED than depressed. No matter what, you can't control emotions. Funny, that's what I've been preaching the whole time (2 years) and yet I fell into that trap. I guess I'm at a mental block (people overcome fears and sadness, maybe I will too). If anything, it's a motivation to get more in shape. If I get more physically fit, would that help stimulate aggression? I guess i'll have to wait until the end of the summer to find out (maybe longer).
Anyways, I posted this because I know some of you diehard fans would like to see my transgression of thought here. Support from you is not necessarilly needed here, because I already assume you support me (if that has changed, please let me know, seriously).
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, studying for first Calc exam.
>-ttt-< :)
. . . .but this is going to get weird (or just back to normal for my regular readers).
Most of this is in the moleskin, but it's more important for some of you to read it (mostly because you wanted it for a long time now, but you'll have to get through this thing). Being the "big guy", sure most people pick on me. I don't mind it at all, being the "gentle giant" that I am. I'm a nice, friendly, guy who mostly no one hates. So, today we played some basketball. I admit, I'm not exactly an "athletic" kid, but my size should at least give me some advantage. Yet still I'm not as successful as other kids MY SIZE. Why? I say it's because I'm not "agressive" enough- I don't want to hurt anyone, and I just take sports for fun. OK, so I try to be agressive, still no dice- no improvement whatsoever. Is there a problem with being too friendly? . . . .
So, one of my roommates, Matt, likes to pick on me and occassionally randomly attack me, in an effort to "toughen me up". I admit, I need it- I would like myself to fight back sometimes. Sure it's not the "right" way to get back, but I'd like to fit into the stereotype for once, cuzz I'm sick of people walking all over me (mentally, and in Matt's case, physically). So, he comes to attack me in the common room, I manage to get myself down into a chair, but that's about it, I can't even get him off of me. The only way he stops is because I picked up some of his calc notes next to the chair and toss them around the room (he's studying for an exam tomorrow). He and I also joke around about our majors (he's a civil engr, i'm mech engr) and he keeps saying how civils take better courses and have a higher immediate employment rate and pay rate than mechies do (which I'm pretty sure is false, but don't have good info to back me up, but neither does he). At this point, it is annoying me that he doesn't shut the fuck up, but I FUCKING BELIEVE WHAT HE SAYS! and start doubitng myself.
This is all bullshit, and I don't have to put up with it, but why do I let it get to me? Yeah sure I get pissed off a little, but I'm not AGGRAVATED! You know how when cartoon characters spurt steam from their ears or they go crazy and their muscles build up immediately? That doesn't happen to me! at all! I just can't get the courage nor the desire to just beat the shit out of the kid. I know he deserves it, but I don't want it to happen, and things like this just get me depressed.
BUT HERE'S THE KICKER- For those of you who have been reading this for at least the past year or two (pretty much since I started), you know that I believe that everything is mental. All you have to do is think of something and you will have the ability to change your emotions, feelings, and can achieve what you want. I CANT DO THAT RIGHT NOW! and it's fucking pissing me off. It's extremely overwhelming to not only NOT be able to "think" yourself to feel better, but it's just more depresseng because that means EVERYTHING I've said about feelings and emotions (ie; that whole love fiasco we all went through last year about respect and control and power) is proved false. Everything about happiness and depression and everything about "always thinking on the positive side" is all wrong. THAT is what's devastating me right now!
So here's your moment to laugh and point and smile and say "WE TOLD YOU SO!"
wait . . . . (this next part is happening real-time)
just thinking about what I said about the whole love and sadness thing, I'm pretty sure I keep saying that they're "natural". That "natural" emotions of course can't be changed by thought. Sadness just HAS to happen, you can't help it at all. THAT is overwhelming. Understanding why your sad doesn't make you any less sad, it just makes you OVERWHELMED. Understanding why you love someone doesn't make you love them less, it just makes you OVERWHELMED that you still love them for that reason. (I am standing by my whole control, power, physical attraction/"persversion" ideas).
I guess then I'm just OVERWHELMED because I don't want to fight back, but I do want to fight back (if you've been following this you should understand what I mean).
I'm more OVERWHELMED than depressed. No matter what, you can't control emotions. Funny, that's what I've been preaching the whole time (2 years) and yet I fell into that trap. I guess I'm at a mental block (people overcome fears and sadness, maybe I will too). If anything, it's a motivation to get more in shape. If I get more physically fit, would that help stimulate aggression? I guess i'll have to wait until the end of the summer to find out (maybe longer).
Anyways, I posted this because I know some of you diehard fans would like to see my transgression of thought here. Support from you is not necessarilly needed here, because I already assume you support me (if that has changed, please let me know, seriously).
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, studying for first Calc exam.
>-ttt-< :)