"More like SHALLOWeen!" (I added an 's' to the begginning of 'Halloween,' changing it's meaning.)
Let me tell you about how much I hate Dave. I hate him so much that I wish that I had a flamethrower and giant, spiky vise. That way people watching could avert their gaze to someone using the flamethrower to incinerate an amalgam of baby orphans and puppies and then take their charred and brittle remains and use the giant, spiky vise to crush whatever remained of their small, incompletely formed skulls, since it would be infinitely less graphic and gruesome than the indiscriminate slaughter that I'd be inflicting on Dave, who I will henceforth refer to as "Dave, The Buck Futter" or some abbreviated form of such.
Seeing as it is Halloween in a few hours, I've compiled a few tips for children to keep in mind when they go trick-or-treating. Seeing as this is a compilation, I have incorporated some tips from other sources. If you want to claim it, go ahead. I will probably deny it. It is not like you have patented safety and happiness, for Christ's sake. If this goes over well, I might start making lists like this for other events, to keep the younger generation in the know.
Halloween Tips For Kids
1. Be careful! Always keep an eye out for strange and evil things (I am being redundant; anything that you don't understand is evil). It is an empirically and mathematically proven fact that Satan is real and likes to eat you!
2. Watch realistically scary movies to prepare for the scary night. I reccomend The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (original), Psycho (original), Silence Of The Lambs, anything that could really happen very easily. I am not in the know for what scary movies are very real or based on truth, but, as a general rule, the more realistic the movie is, the more likely it will happen to you!
3. Keep an eye out for toilet paper and the people who are using it to put toilet paper on things. Usually, these people do not mean any harm, but they are usually also on the road for days at a time without signs of civilization. As such, they might've already used their toilet paper for hygeine purposes and are optimizing its efficiency by also toilet papering other things, like old ladies, visible flesh, and your mouth, with the same sheets. If, despite your vigilance, some of it gets in your mouth, SWALLOW THE TOILET PAPER IMMEDIATELY! I cannot stress this enough. Once the toilet paper is in your mouth, taking it out will not stop the spread of the horrible infectious diseases. The best way to deal with it on the spot is to let it run its course and let your stomach deal with the problem. Like they say: out of sight, more likely to take you by surprise!
4. Don't accept certain items when you go trick-or-treating. Here is a short, though helpful, list of things to avoid:
a. Toothbrushes - As said by boasas.com, THE source on any number of scientificky type topics, "By the time our teeth rot, we will be able to chew with lasers."
b. Loose Change - It doesn't matter that there is no legal obligation for people to give you candy. I certainly don't care! If they give you spare change, the simple answer is to tell them that your parents won't let you accept money, since it is just as good as handing kids ecstacy tablets or condoms. Those bitches will give you something to eat then, I bet!
c. Ecstacy Pills - Seriously, kids, you know that anyone giving these to you is hard up for candy. Do them a favor and give them some of your candy. Then club their kneecaps. What kind of moron gives children ecstacy pills?
d. Prophylactics - You can actually accept condoms, so long as they are flavored like something delicious (they don't really taste like lamb; it is just false advertising). But be sure that, whenever you use them, you remember to take a needle and use it to poke many, many tiny, tiny holes into it, so that no one can see that the condom is now completely useless. You may want to extend the generosity offered to you by giving said condoms to high schoolers with raging hormones. No one is too old for the Halloween spirit!
e. Bullets - NEVER under ANY circumstances accept these. It does not matter if they hand them to you or use a gun to give them to you (it is a faster means of dispensation and more efficient use of your time). Bullets taste HORRIBLE! You don't even have to pretend to be polite like you do when you get stuff you don't like. You can just tell them, straight up, that niggas don't play that shit. Then spit at them, preferably in their faces.
5. Watch out for hands reaching up from graves! You could trip or have your brain eaten.
6. Wear the skimpiest costume possible, especially if you are a young girl with a nubile body and pneumatic, shapely figure, covered in supple, firm skin, pleasing to the touch and palate. If you don't know how to reply, when people ask what you are, just say that you are a freak (you probably have to do something with your hair and wear gaudy makeup for that to fly, but you probably already do that), Britney Spears, or a prostitute (if they appearred alarmed at the last one, just tell that they don't need to worry, you cost less, probably under $5, because you are still inexperienced). Then go trick-or-treat in the worst neighborhood in town, to brighten the already dreary lives of the inhabiting proles. If your town does not have a slum, go to a larger city that does have one. To get there, take the bus, go trainhopping, or hitchhike. Anything your parents told you not to do no longer applies. After all, it is Halloween!
7. DON'T put a lot of effort into making your costume original and well done. People hate overachievers, and they hate your costume, too. Halloween is the holiday for the patron saint of unoriginality and censorship, Saint Censor (see? this is an example of not being creative). In fact, people hate overachievers on any day of the year. As a guideline for the rest of your life, you should shoot for mediocre at best and prime your emotions to feel nothing other than desperate contentment.
8. Strangers are your friends!
9. The best way to get more candy is to carry a knife with you. Don't let people see it, though! Just hide it under your costume (unless you are being a freak/Britney Spears/prostitute; in that case, use your natural orifices), and use it to threaten people, especially children that are younger than you. While you're at it, you might want to take their kidneys. Their heads, too, if you're into that kind of stuff.
10. Throw rocks at people and then run away. Halloween is the only day of the year that this is allowed, so take advantage of it. Don't just limit yourself to people, either. Babies are fair game, too!
There. Ten rules, one for each of the stab wounds that one out of every three trick-or-treaters is likely to sustain. Remember, Halloween is only fun if it is safe, which is the exact opposite of sex!
Seeing as it is Halloween in a few hours, I've compiled a few tips for children to keep in mind when they go trick-or-treating. Seeing as this is a compilation, I have incorporated some tips from other sources. If you want to claim it, go ahead. I will probably deny it. It is not like you have patented safety and happiness, for Christ's sake. If this goes over well, I might start making lists like this for other events, to keep the younger generation in the know.
Halloween Tips For Kids
1. Be careful! Always keep an eye out for strange and evil things (I am being redundant; anything that you don't understand is evil). It is an empirically and mathematically proven fact that Satan is real and likes to eat you!
2. Watch realistically scary movies to prepare for the scary night. I reccomend The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (original), Psycho (original), Silence Of The Lambs, anything that could really happen very easily. I am not in the know for what scary movies are very real or based on truth, but, as a general rule, the more realistic the movie is, the more likely it will happen to you!
3. Keep an eye out for toilet paper and the people who are using it to put toilet paper on things. Usually, these people do not mean any harm, but they are usually also on the road for days at a time without signs of civilization. As such, they might've already used their toilet paper for hygeine purposes and are optimizing its efficiency by also toilet papering other things, like old ladies, visible flesh, and your mouth, with the same sheets. If, despite your vigilance, some of it gets in your mouth, SWALLOW THE TOILET PAPER IMMEDIATELY! I cannot stress this enough. Once the toilet paper is in your mouth, taking it out will not stop the spread of the horrible infectious diseases. The best way to deal with it on the spot is to let it run its course and let your stomach deal with the problem. Like they say: out of sight, more likely to take you by surprise!
4. Don't accept certain items when you go trick-or-treating. Here is a short, though helpful, list of things to avoid:
a. Toothbrushes - As said by boasas.com, THE source on any number of scientificky type topics, "By the time our teeth rot, we will be able to chew with lasers."
b. Loose Change - It doesn't matter that there is no legal obligation for people to give you candy. I certainly don't care! If they give you spare change, the simple answer is to tell them that your parents won't let you accept money, since it is just as good as handing kids ecstacy tablets or condoms. Those bitches will give you something to eat then, I bet!
c. Ecstacy Pills - Seriously, kids, you know that anyone giving these to you is hard up for candy. Do them a favor and give them some of your candy. Then club their kneecaps. What kind of moron gives children ecstacy pills?
d. Prophylactics - You can actually accept condoms, so long as they are flavored like something delicious (they don't really taste like lamb; it is just false advertising). But be sure that, whenever you use them, you remember to take a needle and use it to poke many, many tiny, tiny holes into it, so that no one can see that the condom is now completely useless. You may want to extend the generosity offered to you by giving said condoms to high schoolers with raging hormones. No one is too old for the Halloween spirit!
e. Bullets - NEVER under ANY circumstances accept these. It does not matter if they hand them to you or use a gun to give them to you (it is a faster means of dispensation and more efficient use of your time). Bullets taste HORRIBLE! You don't even have to pretend to be polite like you do when you get stuff you don't like. You can just tell them, straight up, that niggas don't play that shit. Then spit at them, preferably in their faces.
5. Watch out for hands reaching up from graves! You could trip or have your brain eaten.
6. Wear the skimpiest costume possible, especially if you are a young girl with a nubile body and pneumatic, shapely figure, covered in supple, firm skin, pleasing to the touch and palate. If you don't know how to reply, when people ask what you are, just say that you are a freak (you probably have to do something with your hair and wear gaudy makeup for that to fly, but you probably already do that), Britney Spears, or a prostitute (if they appearred alarmed at the last one, just tell that they don't need to worry, you cost less, probably under $5, because you are still inexperienced). Then go trick-or-treat in the worst neighborhood in town, to brighten the already dreary lives of the inhabiting proles. If your town does not have a slum, go to a larger city that does have one. To get there, take the bus, go trainhopping, or hitchhike. Anything your parents told you not to do no longer applies. After all, it is Halloween!
7. DON'T put a lot of effort into making your costume original and well done. People hate overachievers, and they hate your costume, too. Halloween is the holiday for the patron saint of unoriginality and censorship, Saint Censor (see? this is an example of not being creative). In fact, people hate overachievers on any day of the year. As a guideline for the rest of your life, you should shoot for mediocre at best and prime your emotions to feel nothing other than desperate contentment.
8. Strangers are your friends!
9. The best way to get more candy is to carry a knife with you. Don't let people see it, though! Just hide it under your costume (unless you are being a freak/Britney Spears/prostitute; in that case, use your natural orifices), and use it to threaten people, especially children that are younger than you. While you're at it, you might want to take their kidneys. Their heads, too, if you're into that kind of stuff.
10. Throw rocks at people and then run away. Halloween is the only day of the year that this is allowed, so take advantage of it. Don't just limit yourself to people, either. Babies are fair game, too!
There. Ten rules, one for each of the stab wounds that one out of every three trick-or-treaters is likely to sustain. Remember, Halloween is only fun if it is safe, which is the exact opposite of sex!