alive or living?
First I am going to brag on myself a bit . It has been awhle since I have felt " accomplished" and yesterday was a bowl of chicken noodle soup for that feeling. I solo paddled a canoe for aprox. 10 miles on a day where there were 20mph winds with gusts up to 40mph. There were a couple of times when the wind attempted to seriously kick my butt but I was determined to complete the trip. I was both amazed and completly satisfied with my preformance.
It was when a frremd asked me " what is driving you to continue in these conditions?" that I realized that I was willing to throw my whole self nto this challenge because I had chosen it . This started me thinking about the past 6 years and how hard to contimue fighting against all the things that threaten to take away my " life" while still leaving me "alive" . I did not choose that challenge and I dispise it's intrusion into my life. Mentally it is difficult to stand up to the constant pounding my body takes, loss of __________________ ( fill in the blank) and feeling totally unable to control your inner deamons.
Goldy and I have always faced advirsity with a tenacious sprit and determination so while I did not choose this challenge I did choose how I would face this challenge. This has really been a tug of war between my willpower and realistic ability for my body to survive. For the past year (at least) I have not been able to really feel like I was living but more just being alive. Thoughts of wanting that struggle to be over by whatever means possible have been prelevent in my mind. How would I even muster the strength to continue on for the next 20 years? Why would I put myself and my family through all that pain and dissappointment? While never really being suicidal I really did not want to continue living. How does that work you ask? Well it dosen't and that was the big rub, until yesterday when I made a decision to take on a challenge and then totally kicked ass in the process.
I am very gratefull to be alive but now also convinced that I am still living as well.
It was when a frremd asked me " what is driving you to continue in these conditions?" that I realized that I was willing to throw my whole self nto this challenge because I had chosen it . This started me thinking about the past 6 years and how hard to contimue fighting against all the things that threaten to take away my " life" while still leaving me "alive" . I did not choose that challenge and I dispise it's intrusion into my life. Mentally it is difficult to stand up to the constant pounding my body takes, loss of __________________ ( fill in the blank) and feeling totally unable to control your inner deamons.
Goldy and I have always faced advirsity with a tenacious sprit and determination so while I did not choose this challenge I did choose how I would face this challenge. This has really been a tug of war between my willpower and realistic ability for my body to survive. For the past year (at least) I have not been able to really feel like I was living but more just being alive. Thoughts of wanting that struggle to be over by whatever means possible have been prelevent in my mind. How would I even muster the strength to continue on for the next 20 years? Why would I put myself and my family through all that pain and dissappointment? While never really being suicidal I really did not want to continue living. How does that work you ask? Well it dosen't and that was the big rub, until yesterday when I made a decision to take on a challenge and then totally kicked ass in the process.
I am very gratefull to be alive but now also convinced that I am still living as well.