...out of memory and time...
Hope fades
Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time
Don't say
We have come now to the end
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again
And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping
that song must have been written for my precious baby. played at her memorial service, it completley fits. i miss her. james & janel put up a memorial page for her on their website & well, it was heartbreaking to read. there was a detailed narrative of her life, from the first signs to evelyn dropping a leaf on her small grave. & there were pictures too...of her small little hands next to her mommy & daddys. of my brother holding & rocking her lifeless body. she looked so small. pictures of her with james & janel, both of them with tears streaming down their face. it was so sad...such a sad fate for such a tiny baby. i finally figured out why i am so upset. it's because she was mine. since i never plan to have kids of my own, my nieces & nephews are like my own children. thus, i feel like i lost my own daughter. they truly are my babies. so thats why i am struggling so much. i bet james & janel are sadder than me so it makes perfect sense. but i miss her so much...i cant even begin to describe it. i was trying to describe what i was feeling to pastor randy the other day & i just couldnt. it's like a part of my heart was ripped out & a rock was implanted, weighing me down & making me feel sad. im trying to do as PR said & hold on to my faith but it's dangling on a very thin thread right now. im stil angry & upset & confused. im mad at God, ive already yelled at him & gotten really upset...even cursed at him. PR said it's ok as long as i dont turn away, that God's big enough to handle it...he can even handle my saying that i hate him. that eventually i will understand, even if it's not in this lifetime. it all made sense & im trying but there are times, like right now, when i just want to give it all up, throw it all away, turn away. say that He doesnt care but then theres soemthing that stops me. im trying to keep my life together but maybe what i really need is to let it fall apart so that He can pick up the pieces & put them back together. so here i am, falling apart & missing my star in the sky...
Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time
Don't say
We have come now to the end
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again
And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping
that song must have been written for my precious baby. played at her memorial service, it completley fits. i miss her. james & janel put up a memorial page for her on their website & well, it was heartbreaking to read. there was a detailed narrative of her life, from the first signs to evelyn dropping a leaf on her small grave. & there were pictures too...of her small little hands next to her mommy & daddys. of my brother holding & rocking her lifeless body. she looked so small. pictures of her with james & janel, both of them with tears streaming down their face. it was so sad...such a sad fate for such a tiny baby. i finally figured out why i am so upset. it's because she was mine. since i never plan to have kids of my own, my nieces & nephews are like my own children. thus, i feel like i lost my own daughter. they truly are my babies. so thats why i am struggling so much. i bet james & janel are sadder than me so it makes perfect sense. but i miss her so much...i cant even begin to describe it. i was trying to describe what i was feeling to pastor randy the other day & i just couldnt. it's like a part of my heart was ripped out & a rock was implanted, weighing me down & making me feel sad. im trying to do as PR said & hold on to my faith but it's dangling on a very thin thread right now. im stil angry & upset & confused. im mad at God, ive already yelled at him & gotten really upset...even cursed at him. PR said it's ok as long as i dont turn away, that God's big enough to handle it...he can even handle my saying that i hate him. that eventually i will understand, even if it's not in this lifetime. it all made sense & im trying but there are times, like right now, when i just want to give it all up, throw it all away, turn away. say that He doesnt care but then theres soemthing that stops me. im trying to keep my life together but maybe what i really need is to let it fall apart so that He can pick up the pieces & put them back together. so here i am, falling apart & missing my star in the sky...