for those playing along at home

Feb 01, 2007 22:39

score

incompetence: terrifying
competence: terrifying

this one's gonna be a squeaker!

so today i finally asked edwards for a letter of recommendation. and he said yes! very enthusiastically! which a) made me very happy and b) scared me shitless.

he actually caught up with me, walking away from the (cutest) building (on campus--the philosophy/history-department building (yes they share a building (the smallest one on campus))) after class, and asked (this is a direct quote) "so what's your story?"

to which i responded something along the lines of "ha, um... went to college right out of high school; hated it; been out (of school) for three years; trying to get back into it." he mentioned he remembered i wanted to go to "one of those 'great books' schools, right?" and i said yes, st. john's college in annapolis. we talked about the program for a while, what i find so compelling about it, etc., and came to the conclusion that a) it's awesome but b) not for everyone.

somewhere in there this cute exchange (upon my joking that i wish i had some nice things to say about my "formal education to date"):
edwards: well you could always lie.
me: yeah, but i wouldn't want to lie to them. it's such a weird school--if they think i shouldn't be there, then i probably shouldn't.
edwards: that's very... mature of you. i don't think i've--i ever would have--would be able to do that.
me (in my head, to myself): yeah, no shit.*

at some point he said that he thought i would do very well--he used the word "flourish"--there, that he could see me really enjoying it there. just as we were about to part i finally mustered the courage to ask him if he'd write a recommendation. he said that he'd already be able to "write a detailed, positive" letter, but asked me if there was anything in particular i'd like him "to highlight" in it. so, um. yeah. score!

...all of which reminded me why i started taking classes at shippensburg in the first place. there is somewhere i want to go in life--not a final goal, exactly, but a movement--there's somewhere else i want to be. and that's NOT to say there's anything ethically(/morally) wrong with where i am now. there's just something else i could be doing, something that--in the long run--will be more helpful (meaningful (?)) than simply being here. it's all too easy to get caught up in the moment-to-moment needs of the people of love, in a way that ultimately undermines my ability to do the things that will really make a difference in their lives.

and a good thing (it reminded me), too. the (suggested) deadline for admissions applications is march first, and the (much-more-strongly-suggested) deadline for financial aid (which i will need, as a year at st. john's costs about $42,000 dollars) applications is february fifteenth. which means, basically:

i have a lot of work to do!

*edwards is a bit, shall we say... over-confident.

school, depression, freak out!, abject terror, insomnia, self-congratulation, life, the future, drunkenness

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