(no subject)
This is my first post here. I figured I’d start with one of my own, a Heroes fic, Mylar, which isn’t quite as mind-numbingly awful as I remembered. Some of it’s actually pretty good, imho. It’s the speech at the end that puts it into badfic territory.
Sporking in bold.
She recognises him straight away, before her eyes have adjusted, even - maybe because in spite of the many times she’s seen him in the light, this is the way she knows him best - a silhouette in an open doorway. This is the way he appears in her nightmares.
This doesn’t even make sense to me. I know what I meant, but what I meant is not what I said. I don’t know what I did say. *re-reads paragraph several more times.* Oh! I think that first dash should have been a semi-colon.
“Molly. Molly, can you hear me? Can you move? Stand up if you can.” The bogeyman’s voice is surprisingly gentle. Molly wonders if he’s remembering his own time spent in the cells beneath this building. Still, she doesn’t move, except to crack open the other eyelid.
Did it occur to me that Molly probably wouldn’t know that Sylar was in a Company cell? I don’t think it did.
He slides round to the driver’s side, and the hum (and clack, and rattle, and chug) of the engine are the only sounds she hears, though he, of course, hears much more, all the way to what Molly realises with a start - though really, where else would make even a modicum of sense? - Is home.
Eleven year old Molly knows what modicum means, and uses it as part of her general, everyday thoughts? Weird kid. As for the ‘only sounds’ bit: I know Sylar is evil, but he’s not a vampire. Presumably he needs to breathe. Not to mention birdsong, wind, other cars etc.
… wrapping himself in Gabriel, who knows better than anyone how to make a physically intimidating man fade into the background.
Any old physically intimidating man? That’s a neat trick. I wish I could make physically intimidating men fade into the background.
Still, he makes Mohinder wait outside while he conjures exotic (Indian) flowers and lit candles.
LolWHUT? Are we talking about the same Sylar here?
When Mohinder steps inside, he is attacked by a fit of hysterical giggling. Sylar growls, “So I want my first time to be special. What’s so bad about that?”
I don’t blame him for laughing. Flowers? Srsly? Also, it’s not actually his first. They had sex already in the prequel, it just wasn’t penetrative.
The killer turns an interesting shade of red. He forces himself not to shuffle his feet or stuff his hands in his pockets. “Well, I’ve been kinda busy. With the… you know. And Gabriel was a ‘Good Boy’, y’know? Religious. Mom…”
Again, are we talking about the same Sylar? I don’t think mine says “y’know” or “kinda”. Except, this is mine, so apparently he does.
Mohinder pulls off his favourite scarf, hangs it on a chair, and flicks open the top button on his shirt (the pink one. He got changed).
I know what top I’m talking about, even if I don’t know why I’m talking about it, but I don’t think it has buttons. It's a sweater, actually. Aaand I’ve just entered a new low of obsessive nitpicking.
Sylar stops pacing. He fondles the next button, but before he can do anything else he’s up against the nearest wall with a tongue down his throat, two hands on his ass, and no feet on the floor.
Who’s doing what now?
They’re rocking against each other, sparks shooting along clothed cocks, moans mingling in the confines of the kiss.
Ouch. 1) Elle’s not dead yet, so sparks are kind of impossible. 2) They also sound pretty painful, and decidedly not erotic. 3) What is with the annoying alliteration?
Blah blah blah, boring smut, reference to “cinnamon skin” which isn’t even really accurate, Sylar mentally whining about how omg payment-for-services-rendered, it’s never going to happen again, sob, I’m going to go cut myself now, and he uses words like “facsimile” in the middle of sex.
It’s the look in his eyes, more than anything, that brings Sylar tumbling headlong after him - shining and happy, and filled with such wonder, like this was the best present he’d ever gotten, so perfect that it doesn’t even matter who gave it to him.
Excuse me while I barf.
Snip. Sylar says that the power of Momo’s Twu Wuv can save him. Mohinder, quite rightly, disagrees. Then we come to the kicker, the real reason I hate this fic:
“You’re wrong. Not about the, I mean, I still don’t think it’s wrong - it’s nature, evolution - but I am sorry for some things. I’m sorry about what happened with my mother, and - and I’m sorry that I hurt you, that I - not that I lied to you, or even that I killed Chandra, because I never would have known you otherwise, but that my actions caused you pain, I’m sorry for that.
“I love you, Mohinder, whether you believe me or not, and that is never going to change. I’d do anything for you, to be with you - I’d even give up the powers I already have. I love you, okay? Please, just… just give me a chance, just let me prove it to you. I can do this. I think you could learn to love me, if you could just let yourself, if you could just forgive me - I know you want me, although you try to deny it, and you liked Zane, who was basically just Gabriel with added intensity and band shirts.
“Forgiveness can be earned, and I’ll be the biggest boy scout ever. I could do so much good, and ok, so it wouldn’t be because of some hero complex, but I’d do it for you, and isn’t that enough? Isn’t it enough?”
Oh god. Kill it with fire. Characterization = fail. Sylar thinking that Mo would forgive him even though he isn’t sorry = fail. Me thinking that Mo would forgive him even though he’s not sorry = FAIL.