when one exclamation mark just doesn't cut it
Cindy Asher was scrubbing the floor. Cindy? Like “Cinderella”? Oh-ho-ho, I see what you did there! She had about 15 minutes before she had to leave for school. Her step father almost always inspected her work before letting her go to school. When he looked around, he always found something wrong and would punish her by a beating or rape. Yeah, I can sympathize. When I don’t finish all my chores before school, my stepfather always punishes me with a hold up, whatnow?
So she was cleaning to the best of her abilities, so maybe she could be on time for biology today. Her teacher Mr. Brock had been giving her hell. We haven’t been watching old Pokemon reruns by any chance, have we? Her step father, James Montgomery, walks in seeing that she isn’t finished. And suddenly the world began to switch tenses with horrifying rapidity! He kicks her stomach and starts undressing her. He proceeded to rape her, very brutally. Brutally! This was no ordinary rape. When he had finished her degradation, he zipped up and walks away. I’ve never been raped. If I had, however, I’m not sure that my attitude toward it would be, “Oh, darn, I freaking got raped again…”
Yep, Cindy is indeed late for school, and when she arrives we find out that A) She’s an A student, except for one particular science class that’s never named, and B) Trainer Brock-I mean, Mr. Brock-is going to hook her up with a tutor.
Chapter2
Cindy went through the day in a daze. By the end she had herself very worked up over this tutor, and what the tutoring was going to do to her home life. She walked into Mr. Brock’s room. Standing there was a gorgeous man. He was tall about 6'1", he had long dark hair, and ice blue eyes. He was a modestly muscular (since when is “muscular” a noun?), wearing a light blue button-down shirt, and black slacks. I’ll be honest, this is the first time I’ve ever seen more description of the love interest than of the Mary-Sue. She coughed to get the teachers attention. Mr. Brock turned around and smiled," Cindy, this is my friend, Eric Charming. Charming? Where have I heard…ohhh, man, isn’t this author the clever one? He will be your tutor till you bring up your grade. Now, I leave you two to talk,” with that he left the room.
Cindy looked back to Eric, and said," so where do you what to start?” She got this vibe from him, that it was okay to let him touch her. Suddenly the fact that she’d been raped twice a day since the age of 7 just didn’t matter anymore…
Eric smiled and replied,"Any where you would like milady. The Cinderella references are just so clever they make me want to go kill puppies. May I suggest the café down the street?”
Cindy giggled and said, “Yes, that sounds wonderful!” “Oh, Eric, you’re so witty! The café! How quaint.”
Eric then offered her his arm, which she took with a little pause and they walked out the door. Author thinks: “What do I know about rape? Not much, but I guess she might have some issues with guys or something? Probably nothing that can’t be fixed by true love, though, so this shouldn’t take long.”
So when they arrived at the café a few minutes later, he asked her if he could look at her book so he could quiz her on it. She pulled it out of her backpack and handed it to him. “Go for it,” she says. So he does, starting at chapter one and going until five where her class is at. She got nothing wrong. I thought she was failing. I foresee a giant, oh-so-clever plot twist in the future. “I was PRETENDING to be bad at theoretical physics in order to get you to like me!” “Well, I’ve never even taken it before! I just wanted to meet you.” He was amazed because some of the questions he asked her, even he didn’t know. Then why the frick are you tutoring her? I know I’m right about this plot twist thing. I can feel it coming. He looked up at her in wonder and said, ”why?” Why? What is this sentence doing here in the middle of nowhere? It must be a refugee from some other piece of badfic. She frowned slightly looking over his shoulder at something and said, “I have to leave. See you tomorrow same place, same time?” He nods his head in a stupor. She turns and runs out. It wasn’t ‘til about 30 seconds later he realized she was gone. Real Life Lag: 1 out of 10 people suffer from it, and YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW.
Cindy ran home with everything she had (even though her injuries from her father's loving were basically nonexistent) because it was already 5:00. 'oh no I’m in so much trouble' she thought 'maybe my brother and sister aren’t home yet to tattle. Please, please, don’t let them be home yet' she prayed. Finally she was at her house and opened the door. Sitting there on the couch was her stepfather. 'Oh crap' she thinks. He stands up and starts to walk over to her. This guy is the definition of a one-track mind. She braces herself for the worse. Then she feels the punch in the gut. 'ouch' then he kicks her legs out from under her. “Oh, dear. I seem to be getting violated again. This is surely unfortunate.” 'Oh goodie! two rapes in less than twelve hours. He must be in a bad mood.' she thinks as she lays there on the floor. “You know, I wouldn’t mind so much if he at least changed it up every once in a while.” Then she feels him start stripping her again. “Hm. Isn’t American Idol on tonight?” As he yanks off her shirt; he bangs her head on the floor (on purpose?) and that’s the last thing she feels. But WHY? Because it knocked her out. Ohhh, gotcha.
The sporker, at this point overcome, gathers the bleeding and broken tenses in her arms and weeps over their bodies.
Eric’s POV
Today was his first day in America and he already had tons of homework, soooo lame. Everyone in this country didn’t know that he was the prince of Happilieveraftera. *blink* *blink* You know…if she’s not careful, these Cinderella references are going to become so subtle I won’t even notice their existence. Or mostly they didn’t. Tom Brock, his American friend, had called him and asked him to tutor some girl! And he’s emphatic about it! Hence the exclamation mark.
Why should he waste some of his precious time in this country tutoring a dumb girl? Silly Mr. Brock, everyone knows that women’s brains are smaller than men’s. In Happilieveraftera, it’s been scientifically proven. He only had 9 months before he had to return to his country. Why only nine months?... Because he wanted to be back by the time his peasant girlfriend gave birth so he could give the baby up for adoption so the bastard could never come back 15 years later to claim its birthright! well he had had a year but he talked back to his parents and they took off three months. That…is a lot less interesting and lot more cranky pubescent than my version. What were the nine months for? he asked himself. He needed a bride before the nine months were up, he answered himself. Mrgh!! “My anger is such that I glued my lips together in a fit of rage!!” It was insulting!!
So he had to go to the high school. He walked into Tom’s class as it was just finishing and got trampled by the rampaging wildebeest that routinely charged across these wide open plains of academia. He impaled Tom with his deadliest glare (i.e. harpoon) for calling in his favor on this!! Emphatically! So Brock finally started talking about this girl. How great she was and smart too!! And she was also really emphatic! Blah blah blah!! Even my boredom is emphatic! Could she just get here already so I could tutor her and leave? She just a beautiful girl walked in. “Can’t-sentence-properly-”
It took all my finishing school training to keep a straight face , and not let my jaw drop. She was a beautiful! Are you sure she wasn’t a muscular? Red hair fell down to her shoulders, wisps framing her face, slender body, big breasts, and eerie lime green eyes (Lime green? This is the first time I’ve ever seen a Mary-Sue that had a really unattractive eye color [though this probably did not occur to the author]) that sent chills down his spine. She was shorter than him about a foot. Wearing a pair of wore out sweats that hung at her hips and v-neck black shirt that said “WATCH OUT! Big things come in small packages.” When something like that on a shirt is preceded by a warning, to be safe, just go ahead and assume she has an STD. She looked me over gave a nod. “I see you are a muscular. I approve.” Then turned her attention to tom. She cleared her throat.
I thought maybe was a student teacher or something because she looked too old to be a student. Student teacher = a student who is studying to be a teacher. Sort of a student by necessity. Tom told her that I was to tutor her. I smiled. I get to spent time with this emphatic bombshell!! So she suggests the café down the street to study. I offer her my arm which she takes reluctantly I don’t know why but I want to find out, since the idea of her not being attracted to me is obviously not a possibility, and neither is an American girl being creeped out by a strange guy holding onto her. I also see how stiff she is but I don’t mention it. Maybe she’s contracting rigor mortis.
We get to the café down the street and I ask her if I can see her book so I could quiz her on it. She readily agrees. I ask random questions just to see an she got all of them RIGHT!! With such emphasis, too! I asked things from the footnotes!! In an emphatic manner! “Why??” I asked, so fantastically curious that I was forced to use two question marks. She says she has leave and will see me here tomorrow. I can’t wait!
Bereaved and horrified, the sporker tenderly gathers up the tortured persons, which are crying out with pain from being switched with wicked, arbitrary swiftness, and lays them down beside the swiftly-fading tenses. “WHY??” the sporker cries!!
Believe it or not, this travesty doesn’t stop there. While the whole sporking world waits for the next chapter of what’s become known as the Crimson-Black Devil Story, I might finish up mocking this story as it deserves.
So she was cleaning to the best of her abilities, so maybe she could be on time for biology today. Her teacher Mr. Brock had been giving her hell. We haven’t been watching old Pokemon reruns by any chance, have we? Her step father, James Montgomery, walks in seeing that she isn’t finished. And suddenly the world began to switch tenses with horrifying rapidity! He kicks her stomach and starts undressing her. He proceeded to rape her, very brutally. Brutally! This was no ordinary rape. When he had finished her degradation, he zipped up and walks away. I’ve never been raped. If I had, however, I’m not sure that my attitude toward it would be, “Oh, darn, I freaking got raped again…”
Yep, Cindy is indeed late for school, and when she arrives we find out that A) She’s an A student, except for one particular science class that’s never named, and B) Trainer Brock-I mean, Mr. Brock-is going to hook her up with a tutor.
Chapter2
Cindy went through the day in a daze. By the end she had herself very worked up over this tutor, and what the tutoring was going to do to her home life. She walked into Mr. Brock’s room. Standing there was a gorgeous man. He was tall about 6'1", he had long dark hair, and ice blue eyes. He was a modestly muscular (since when is “muscular” a noun?), wearing a light blue button-down shirt, and black slacks. I’ll be honest, this is the first time I’ve ever seen more description of the love interest than of the Mary-Sue. She coughed to get the teachers attention. Mr. Brock turned around and smiled," Cindy, this is my friend, Eric Charming. Charming? Where have I heard…ohhh, man, isn’t this author the clever one? He will be your tutor till you bring up your grade. Now, I leave you two to talk,” with that he left the room.
Cindy looked back to Eric, and said," so where do you what to start?” She got this vibe from him, that it was okay to let him touch her. Suddenly the fact that she’d been raped twice a day since the age of 7 just didn’t matter anymore…
Eric smiled and replied,"Any where you would like milady. The Cinderella references are just so clever they make me want to go kill puppies. May I suggest the café down the street?”
Cindy giggled and said, “Yes, that sounds wonderful!” “Oh, Eric, you’re so witty! The café! How quaint.”
Eric then offered her his arm, which she took with a little pause and they walked out the door. Author thinks: “What do I know about rape? Not much, but I guess she might have some issues with guys or something? Probably nothing that can’t be fixed by true love, though, so this shouldn’t take long.”
So when they arrived at the café a few minutes later, he asked her if he could look at her book so he could quiz her on it. She pulled it out of her backpack and handed it to him. “Go for it,” she says. So he does, starting at chapter one and going until five where her class is at. She got nothing wrong. I thought she was failing. I foresee a giant, oh-so-clever plot twist in the future. “I was PRETENDING to be bad at theoretical physics in order to get you to like me!” “Well, I’ve never even taken it before! I just wanted to meet you.” He was amazed because some of the questions he asked her, even he didn’t know. Then why the frick are you tutoring her? I know I’m right about this plot twist thing. I can feel it coming. He looked up at her in wonder and said, ”why?” Why? What is this sentence doing here in the middle of nowhere? It must be a refugee from some other piece of badfic. She frowned slightly looking over his shoulder at something and said, “I have to leave. See you tomorrow same place, same time?” He nods his head in a stupor. She turns and runs out. It wasn’t ‘til about 30 seconds later he realized she was gone. Real Life Lag: 1 out of 10 people suffer from it, and YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW.
Cindy ran home with everything she had (even though her injuries from her father's loving were basically nonexistent) because it was already 5:00. 'oh no I’m in so much trouble' she thought 'maybe my brother and sister aren’t home yet to tattle. Please, please, don’t let them be home yet' she prayed. Finally she was at her house and opened the door. Sitting there on the couch was her stepfather. 'Oh crap' she thinks. He stands up and starts to walk over to her. This guy is the definition of a one-track mind. She braces herself for the worse. Then she feels the punch in the gut. 'ouch' then he kicks her legs out from under her. “Oh, dear. I seem to be getting violated again. This is surely unfortunate.” 'Oh goodie! two rapes in less than twelve hours. He must be in a bad mood.' she thinks as she lays there on the floor. “You know, I wouldn’t mind so much if he at least changed it up every once in a while.” Then she feels him start stripping her again. “Hm. Isn’t American Idol on tonight?” As he yanks off her shirt; he bangs her head on the floor (on purpose?) and that’s the last thing she feels. But WHY? Because it knocked her out. Ohhh, gotcha.
The sporker, at this point overcome, gathers the bleeding and broken tenses in her arms and weeps over their bodies.
Eric’s POV
Today was his first day in America and he already had tons of homework, soooo lame. Everyone in this country didn’t know that he was the prince of Happilieveraftera. *blink* *blink* You know…if she’s not careful, these Cinderella references are going to become so subtle I won’t even notice their existence. Or mostly they didn’t. Tom Brock, his American friend, had called him and asked him to tutor some girl! And he’s emphatic about it! Hence the exclamation mark.
Why should he waste some of his precious time in this country tutoring a dumb girl? Silly Mr. Brock, everyone knows that women’s brains are smaller than men’s. In Happilieveraftera, it’s been scientifically proven. He only had 9 months before he had to return to his country. Why only nine months?... Because he wanted to be back by the time his peasant girlfriend gave birth so he could give the baby up for adoption so the bastard could never come back 15 years later to claim its birthright! well he had had a year but he talked back to his parents and they took off three months. That…is a lot less interesting and lot more cranky pubescent than my version. What were the nine months for? he asked himself. He needed a bride before the nine months were up, he answered himself. Mrgh!! “My anger is such that I glued my lips together in a fit of rage!!” It was insulting!!
So he had to go to the high school. He walked into Tom’s class as it was just finishing and got trampled by the rampaging wildebeest that routinely charged across these wide open plains of academia. He impaled Tom with his deadliest glare (i.e. harpoon) for calling in his favor on this!! Emphatically! So Brock finally started talking about this girl. How great she was and smart too!! And she was also really emphatic! Blah blah blah!! Even my boredom is emphatic! Could she just get here already so I could tutor her and leave? She just a beautiful girl walked in. “Can’t-sentence-properly-”
It took all my finishing school training to keep a straight face , and not let my jaw drop. She was a beautiful! Are you sure she wasn’t a muscular? Red hair fell down to her shoulders, wisps framing her face, slender body, big breasts, and eerie lime green eyes (Lime green? This is the first time I’ve ever seen a Mary-Sue that had a really unattractive eye color [though this probably did not occur to the author]) that sent chills down his spine. She was shorter than him about a foot. Wearing a pair of wore out sweats that hung at her hips and v-neck black shirt that said “WATCH OUT! Big things come in small packages.” When something like that on a shirt is preceded by a warning, to be safe, just go ahead and assume she has an STD. She looked me over gave a nod. “I see you are a muscular. I approve.” Then turned her attention to tom. She cleared her throat.
I thought maybe was a student teacher or something because she looked too old to be a student. Student teacher = a student who is studying to be a teacher. Sort of a student by necessity. Tom told her that I was to tutor her. I smiled. I get to spent time with this emphatic bombshell!! So she suggests the café down the street to study. I offer her my arm which she takes reluctantly I don’t know why but I want to find out, since the idea of her not being attracted to me is obviously not a possibility, and neither is an American girl being creeped out by a strange guy holding onto her. I also see how stiff she is but I don’t mention it. Maybe she’s contracting rigor mortis.
We get to the café down the street and I ask her if I can see her book so I could quiz her on it. She readily agrees. I ask random questions just to see an she got all of them RIGHT!! With such emphasis, too! I asked things from the footnotes!! In an emphatic manner! “Why??” I asked, so fantastically curious that I was forced to use two question marks. She says she has leave and will see me here tomorrow. I can’t wait!
Bereaved and horrified, the sporker tenderly gathers up the tortured persons, which are crying out with pain from being switched with wicked, arbitrary swiftness, and lays them down beside the swiftly-fading tenses. “WHY??” the sporker cries!!
Believe it or not, this travesty doesn’t stop there. While the whole sporking world waits for the next chapter of what’s become known as the Crimson-Black Devil Story, I might finish up mocking this story as it deserves.