In which a lurker gives it a go
After reading and being amused by many sporkings here, I have decided that the time has come for me to try my own hand at sporking a badfic. This lovely piece comes to us today from that Pit of Unspeakable Horrors.
A/N: Okay. So this is a test-drive for a chapter I wrote when I was bored in food tech class. I just need your opinions, then I can start writing the next chapters! Have fun...
Ah, the ever-present "I was bored in class" excuse. And threatening not to write any more chapters unless she gets feedback! I bet you anything this character is a self-insert.
Linda shifts upwards, hands lay peacefully on her stomach. Her eyes slowly opened to the view of the stars shining on the blanket of the night sky.
Changing tenses in the first two sentences? This is not a promising beginning.
*snip of all of two sentences*
Linda found this dagger whilst running from a loud roar. She dived into a nearby bush of thorns, whinced in pain, then clasped her eyes onto the dagger beside her in the twigs. Are their other people on this island? Out of distress, Linda grabbed hold of the dagger and dived out of the bush with a landing roll and pointed it in all directions in confidence.
....She clasped her eyes onto the dagger? That sounds immensely painful.
Also, how does a dagger just magically appear in the twigs? If this "loud roar" was 815 crashing, I highly doubt that only a dagger would happen to land right next to her instead of a great heaping pile of burning wreckage.
*bit more snipping*
You would think Linda would of got used to the fact that boars run in and out of her grounds like a gang of cowards, but everytime one came in, she would always think that would be the last time she would see day-light again.
MORE tense-changes, huzzah!
*and here we had a flashback, which I am going to spare you the horror of seeing*
In disturbance, Linda stood up and walked towards the lake. Crouching down she let her fingers stroke the face of the water. She gathered some of the blue liquid with her coconut shell and let the cold drink slither down her throat.
Water has a face? This just gives me all sorts of disturbing images of her gouging out poor Water's flesh with her coconut shell. And the "cold drink slither[ing]"... well, I just detest the word "slither" in general. Yech.
And if for some reason you wish to read the entire thing, you can find it HERE
I hope my first sporkage did not fail too hard.
A/N: Okay. So this is a test-drive for a chapter I wrote when I was bored in food tech class. I just need your opinions, then I can start writing the next chapters! Have fun...
Ah, the ever-present "I was bored in class" excuse. And threatening not to write any more chapters unless she gets feedback! I bet you anything this character is a self-insert.
Linda shifts upwards, hands lay peacefully on her stomach. Her eyes slowly opened to the view of the stars shining on the blanket of the night sky.
Changing tenses in the first two sentences? This is not a promising beginning.
*snip of all of two sentences*
Linda found this dagger whilst running from a loud roar. She dived into a nearby bush of thorns, whinced in pain, then clasped her eyes onto the dagger beside her in the twigs. Are their other people on this island? Out of distress, Linda grabbed hold of the dagger and dived out of the bush with a landing roll and pointed it in all directions in confidence.
....She clasped her eyes onto the dagger? That sounds immensely painful.
Also, how does a dagger just magically appear in the twigs? If this "loud roar" was 815 crashing, I highly doubt that only a dagger would happen to land right next to her instead of a great heaping pile of burning wreckage.
*bit more snipping*
You would think Linda would of got used to the fact that boars run in and out of her grounds like a gang of cowards, but everytime one came in, she would always think that would be the last time she would see day-light again.
MORE tense-changes, huzzah!
*and here we had a flashback, which I am going to spare you the horror of seeing*
In disturbance, Linda stood up and walked towards the lake. Crouching down she let her fingers stroke the face of the water. She gathered some of the blue liquid with her coconut shell and let the cold drink slither down her throat.
Water has a face? This just gives me all sorts of disturbing images of her gouging out poor Water's flesh with her coconut shell. And the "cold drink slither[ing]"... well, I just detest the word "slither" in general. Yech.
And if for some reason you wish to read the entire thing, you can find it HERE
I hope my first sporkage did not fail too hard.