"Dear agony, just let go of me..."

[nickthewarbler]

Who: nickthewarbler and couturejourno
What: Facing demons
Where: Dani and Benny's apartment
When & Time: A little over a week after THIS
Rating: Adult and triggery themes

Dani hadn't sugar-coated anything, so Nick's choice to meet his sister-in-law was well-informed. That didn't make it any easier to face. Really, the only reason he agreed was so she didn't have to go into

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[nickthewarbler]

Nick looked down at his hands again and was quiet for a long time before he spoke again. He was just praying for the day this trial would be over and he just had resolution one way or anything, whether it was inside a jail cell or he was set free. He knew he would never really be free from what he had suffered with, but the stress and fear of facing something like having your soul ripped to shreds in a court room wouldn't be hanging over him. "He stole away my ability to have children, when that was one thing I always yearned for. Now I'll never be able to, and to know that something like that was the lesser of two evils to him killing me is... something just makes me feel sick every single day. I don't regret what I did, because it means I saved my family from the horror of having a cop knock on their door and tell them I was dead."

"If your family members are that evil that they can't see the destruction he has caused, then maybe they're best sticking to their own little world and not destroying anyone else with poison like that. They created him, I didn't." He knew it sounded harsh, but he was just numb right now. Her family were just non-entities he simply did not have the capacity to feel anything for, positive or negative emotions.

[couturejourno]

"Oh, my God." Leslie's tone was flat, though it wasn't because she was unfeeling. It was more because there wasn't a damn word she could think of to say would make any of this better. Nick had had so many precious things robbed from him for the "crime" of being himself and seeking love. Part of her felt like she should apologize. Like it was her fault for not telling anyone about Sean when it had happened. But this was what it was now, and nothing would change that.

"I don't know what they are," she admitted. "I don't know if they're evil or just blind or what. Neil was always the golden child in our family, and they never though he was capable of doing any wrong." In a moment of fierce dedication, she met Nick's gaze and gave him a firm nod. "Nick, I don't care what they think of me. I want to help make sure that the court's ruling is just, and I don't see justice in putting you in jail."

[nickthewarbler]

Nick just bit on the inside of his cheek, a tool he often used to try and keep from letting his emotions complete fray on him. He was finding it he really tried and focused, he had a little control these days. Not much, but some, and he just hoped and prayed he could call on that in the court room. The trail was something he was petrified about, and it was causing him terrible nightmares as he started to get more and more scared about facing it, about the prospect of prison. His hands were shaking and he twisted his fingers over tightly in front of him.

"Blind?" He shook his head with dry, humourless laugh before his face fell serious again. "They're not blind. They're inherently flawed. I don't know whether they're the same sort of people as he is, but no matter how much they saw me with injuries, they just didn't want to know. Never asked me if I was okay, never asked me how I was. They didn't even get me gifts for Christmas or my birthday. I'm sorry, Leslie, but your family were just as innately disturbed as their son was... they bred that in him. I wish I listened to my family. They told me not to marry him, not to date him. But I was just trying to shut out old feelings I couldn't shake, and I was deluded."

[couturejourno]

By this time, Leslie had a couple of soaked tissues in front of her on the table, and the room was silent for what seemed like far too long. Still... It was better than saying anything stupid, so she let the silence hang between them for what seemed like an eternity.

"I wish I had done the right thing 10 years ago," she replied. "I was afraid of him. I really was. And they all just... Believed everything he said about me... To this day, they've never asked me what happened. Just bitched at me because of what Neil told them happened." His line of thought broke her heart. He'd married Neil hoping it would help him get past the feelings he'd been holding onto. "Did he... Did he hurt you before you got married? You don't... have to answer that, it doesn't matter." She wasn't sure what had made her ask, or how Nick would react, but the question was out there now.

[nickthewarbler]

There was this all-over body ache that seemed to be ever-present for Nick right now. It wasn't really physical pain, but it was a weakness that made everything feel like it needed a hundred times more energy to pull off than he ever harboured. It was like a a flu, only he wondered more often than not if the pain was just all in his head or if there was more physical damage from the abuse that was scared to get checked into.

"Do you seriously think I would have fucking married him if he did?" he mumbled, and the frown on his face just deepened. "I might seem like a mental case, but I'm not stupid. This only started one we were married and he secured all our assets in his name. He could do anything he fucking wanted to because I was trapped, and he knew it. I was so desperate to find someone special to share my life with and to love that I believed all the bullshit he fed me. I can tell you there isn't ever quite any other feeling of thinking you love someone and suddenly finding their fist in your face and their knee in your groin. It's like your whole world shatters. I always thought it would get better."

[ooc: Ack! I never, ever received a notif for this tag! My apologies! #checkingnickstagwasbeneficial]

[couturejourno]

Leslie fiddled with the fingers of the gloves she was wearing, trying to decide whether or not to take them off. She finally went with yes, peeling the fine leather off of her hands and tucking the gloves into her pockets. Nick was struggling, and it was obvious, and Leslie honestly felt like an intruder, pushing into his personal life and the demons in his past this way.

"I don't think you're stupid, Nick. It... Neil just... didn't make it that long without hurting the guy he was with when I left, and I didn't... It really doesn't matter either way. Whether it was before or after, it was horrible... I can't imagine what that must've been like for you, but I'm sorry it happened." The thought of what her brother had done to this man broke her heart and made her sick to her stomach. To imagine this guy trapped into a marriage he couldn't escape, and having his deepest insecurities used against him like this? Well, it was horrible, and she couldn't begin to imagine what Nick had gone through.

[ooc: No worries, love! I figured it was something like that, and I actually meant to remind you, but my brain refused to cooperate. Lol.]

[nickthewarbler]

Nick was getting choked up again, and his heart felt like it was having palpitations. This was a lot, and maybe too much right now. He couldn't keep up the small talk. He was trying so, so hard, but he couldn't do it. All it was going to be was him saying this and her responding to them like, well, this. Trying to reassure him, but not really knowing what to say. He couldn't keep doing it.

"I'm not feeling all that great all of a sudden. Do you think you could excuse me? I'm really sorry, this is just... I'm glad I got to meet you. Y-You're my sister-in-law afterall and it might be nice to get to know you better, but I can't today. It's... I can't," he said, shaking his head as he stood up, the chair scraping on the floor tiles.

[couturejourno]

Leslie felt like a dick. She really hated that she couldn't keep her mouth shut from saying things that clearly weren't helping in the least. But she'd always been kind of a big mouth, and felt the need to say something, even when that something was stupid and useless in the grand scheme of things.

"I... That's fine, Nick... It was... It was good to meet you, even if it wasn't the best of circumstances. We'll talk again some other time if you want to. I'll... Dani has my number if you decide you want to talk to me. I'll... I'll see you soon." She got up from her own chair quietly, walking toward the door.