(no subject)
poor choices.
i am twenty now. it is five in the morning and i am wide awake, in that shakey, disgusting feeling that makes me lick my lips and reminds me of all the hundreds of hours i spent pacing my room with a nose bleed. it makes me afraid, this deep dark fear inside because now whenever i do anything stronger than a painkiller or smoking a joint, i flash back to rob, i flash back to the bad trips and worse mornings, and i can not forget.
all the things i own, save my pictures that my mom rescued and my journal box, thank god, is underwater, ruined, mildewing as we speak. my scrapbook was under my bed. its probably rotted through. my time capsule? i guess i won't get to open it in a year and a half and go flying back to new years eve 1999.
im here, and im not sure what im doing about it.
i thought i was inspired, but i am so far away from that!
i still feel like vomiting when death comes up so cavalierly in animated films and daily conversation, trivial things and suddenly i am brought spinning, sent whirling off in a memory, hand on my necklace.
i am twenty now. it is five in the morning and i am wide awake, in that shakey, disgusting feeling that makes me lick my lips and reminds me of all the hundreds of hours i spent pacing my room with a nose bleed. it makes me afraid, this deep dark fear inside because now whenever i do anything stronger than a painkiller or smoking a joint, i flash back to rob, i flash back to the bad trips and worse mornings, and i can not forget.
all the things i own, save my pictures that my mom rescued and my journal box, thank god, is underwater, ruined, mildewing as we speak. my scrapbook was under my bed. its probably rotted through. my time capsule? i guess i won't get to open it in a year and a half and go flying back to new years eve 1999.
im here, and im not sure what im doing about it.
i thought i was inspired, but i am so far away from that!
i still feel like vomiting when death comes up so cavalierly in animated films and daily conversation, trivial things and suddenly i am brought spinning, sent whirling off in a memory, hand on my necklace.