(no subject)
well, here we go again.
how many times have I lost? how many times will I go through this?
It was less than four weeks that Emily and Austin were killed in a car accident.
This morning I find out Matt ODed. It was almost two years ago now that I found out Rob ODed. Its been almost four since Ashlyn died.
Now I'm thinking of New Years 2006 at his apartment. Standing in the cold he hugged me, wearing a leather jacket by my car. The vicks vaporub inhaler. "you stimulate me intellectually." and finally, two and a half years after those moments, finally kissing him and having sex with him on the night of my high school graduation, drunker than a sailor at port. he called me a few days later. "want to come hang out? did you mean all the things you said?" and i was ashamed. i pretended it didn't happen and in the end i lost them all. I remember his house down on the east end, rickety wooden stairs leading up to the door, margarita mix in a bag, he got me a chair, he called me sweetheart.
in a green journal somewhere in the closet is a poem i wrote about the boys i was crushing on, the boys in my life.
"he called me sweetheart" the verse about Matt began
"he called me nothing//and i told him to stop making me like him" the verse about Rob began.
now both of them are dead.
I cried on the drive up about Em. They were dead by the time the witnesses rushed to the car. They were dead instantly. It doesn't make sense. Why did she overcorrect? I know how it went, "oh shit, we don't have time to pass" and a swerve back to the proper lane but it was a bit too harsh and she went swerving into the loose gravel shoulder,
impact spinning her car,
second impact of the next car, seventy miles per hour,
striking her passenger side door,
the impact that killed them.
I've lost a grandmother. I've lost pets. I've lost an exboyfriend. I've lost a new friend. I've lost a best friend. I've lost a longterm crush/friend.
I've lost them from strokes, leukemia, heroin overdoses, cardiac arrests, car crashes, broken necks.
I want to stop,
I want this to stop.
how many times have I lost? how many times will I go through this?
It was less than four weeks that Emily and Austin were killed in a car accident.
This morning I find out Matt ODed. It was almost two years ago now that I found out Rob ODed. Its been almost four since Ashlyn died.
Now I'm thinking of New Years 2006 at his apartment. Standing in the cold he hugged me, wearing a leather jacket by my car. The vicks vaporub inhaler. "you stimulate me intellectually." and finally, two and a half years after those moments, finally kissing him and having sex with him on the night of my high school graduation, drunker than a sailor at port. he called me a few days later. "want to come hang out? did you mean all the things you said?" and i was ashamed. i pretended it didn't happen and in the end i lost them all. I remember his house down on the east end, rickety wooden stairs leading up to the door, margarita mix in a bag, he got me a chair, he called me sweetheart.
in a green journal somewhere in the closet is a poem i wrote about the boys i was crushing on, the boys in my life.
"he called me sweetheart" the verse about Matt began
"he called me nothing//and i told him to stop making me like him" the verse about Rob began.
now both of them are dead.
I cried on the drive up about Em. They were dead by the time the witnesses rushed to the car. They were dead instantly. It doesn't make sense. Why did she overcorrect? I know how it went, "oh shit, we don't have time to pass" and a swerve back to the proper lane but it was a bit too harsh and she went swerving into the loose gravel shoulder,
impact spinning her car,
second impact of the next car, seventy miles per hour,
striking her passenger side door,
the impact that killed them.
I've lost a grandmother. I've lost pets. I've lost an exboyfriend. I've lost a new friend. I've lost a best friend. I've lost a longterm crush/friend.
I've lost them from strokes, leukemia, heroin overdoses, cardiac arrests, car crashes, broken necks.
I want to stop,
I want this to stop.