bittersweet
Charlotte and I have this running dialogue almost every day:
"Are you my baby?
No. Dowwy.
Oh, are you my dolly?
No. Baby.
Oh, are you my baby?"
And on and on it goes.
Yesterday when we were sitting in the living room and we were on our second round of our little dialogue, I asked her, "Are you my dolly? And she replied "No. Abby dowwy."
Oh, ouch, my heart.
A little while ago Charlotte was in my room looking at the baby pictures on my dresser. She points each one out and know who each baby is, and when she pointed at her own picture she said, "Me! Me TWO!" and held up all the fingers on one hand.
Then she pointed to Abby's picture. "Abby two?"
"No honey, Abby's three.
Thee?
Yes, and pretty soon you'll be three!
Abby thee?
No, when you are three, Abby will be four.
Abby fo? No. Abby TWO!"
Oh, my heart breaks a little when I see Charlotte trying to understand who Abby is and where she is. When we go to the cemetery, Charlotte points to Abby's grave and says "Abby!" And she'll point out every picture in the house of Abby, but of course, Charlotte doesn't really understand where Abby is. Not yet, anyway.
*deep breath*
In a couple of hours I'll be starting work on Kim and Julia's scrapbooks, telling the story of Abby's birth, death, funeral, and the healing journey our family began that summer. As much as I love to visit with Abby that way, it hurts so much to go back to that time, when the pain was so incredibly deep and raw, when the waves of grief and shock pulled me under, over and over again.
I often wonder how I will tell Abby's story to Charlotte, praying that she will really understand that she was never a replacement or a consolation prize. I've barely started Charlotte's baby scrapbook but as I was laying in bed this morning, thinking about how I would scrapbook Abby's story in Charlotte's book, it came to me.
Abby's life has changed our whole family, and her life will continue to affect us as we grow and change as individuals and as a family. But Charlotte is unique in that her life is forever tied to Abby's in a special way, kind of like how twins are connected. I can't tell Charlotte's story without first telling Abby's. I need to tell Abby's story so that everything else makes sense; the footprint tattoo on my chest that shows at Charlotte's birth, the pictures of me holding Charlotte beside Abby's grave, the pictures of Charlotte eating Abby's birthday cake - I really want Charlotte to understand what a special gift she is, how much she healed our whole family, how her birth was celebrated by so many. How every "first" was so bittersweet and wonderful, how much we treasure every moment with her.
So today I will tell Abby's story in pictures, in both Kim and Julia's scrapbooks. And someday soon, I will choose the color of paper, a photo of Charlotte pointing out Abby, and the special Angel font, and I will create the title page,
"Before the Story of You begins, there is another story to tell...."
"Are you my baby?
No. Dowwy.
Oh, are you my dolly?
No. Baby.
Oh, are you my baby?"
And on and on it goes.
Yesterday when we were sitting in the living room and we were on our second round of our little dialogue, I asked her, "Are you my dolly? And she replied "No. Abby dowwy."
Oh, ouch, my heart.
A little while ago Charlotte was in my room looking at the baby pictures on my dresser. She points each one out and know who each baby is, and when she pointed at her own picture she said, "Me! Me TWO!" and held up all the fingers on one hand.
Then she pointed to Abby's picture. "Abby two?"
"No honey, Abby's three.
Thee?
Yes, and pretty soon you'll be three!
Abby thee?
No, when you are three, Abby will be four.
Abby fo? No. Abby TWO!"
Oh, my heart breaks a little when I see Charlotte trying to understand who Abby is and where she is. When we go to the cemetery, Charlotte points to Abby's grave and says "Abby!" And she'll point out every picture in the house of Abby, but of course, Charlotte doesn't really understand where Abby is. Not yet, anyway.
*deep breath*
In a couple of hours I'll be starting work on Kim and Julia's scrapbooks, telling the story of Abby's birth, death, funeral, and the healing journey our family began that summer. As much as I love to visit with Abby that way, it hurts so much to go back to that time, when the pain was so incredibly deep and raw, when the waves of grief and shock pulled me under, over and over again.
I often wonder how I will tell Abby's story to Charlotte, praying that she will really understand that she was never a replacement or a consolation prize. I've barely started Charlotte's baby scrapbook but as I was laying in bed this morning, thinking about how I would scrapbook Abby's story in Charlotte's book, it came to me.
Abby's life has changed our whole family, and her life will continue to affect us as we grow and change as individuals and as a family. But Charlotte is unique in that her life is forever tied to Abby's in a special way, kind of like how twins are connected. I can't tell Charlotte's story without first telling Abby's. I need to tell Abby's story so that everything else makes sense; the footprint tattoo on my chest that shows at Charlotte's birth, the pictures of me holding Charlotte beside Abby's grave, the pictures of Charlotte eating Abby's birthday cake - I really want Charlotte to understand what a special gift she is, how much she healed our whole family, how her birth was celebrated by so many. How every "first" was so bittersweet and wonderful, how much we treasure every moment with her.
So today I will tell Abby's story in pictures, in both Kim and Julia's scrapbooks. And someday soon, I will choose the color of paper, a photo of Charlotte pointing out Abby, and the special Angel font, and I will create the title page,
"Before the Story of You begins, there is another story to tell...."