just to be clear
My three living children have my time and attention for 363 days a year. I don't think it's unreasonable to take two days a year to remember Abby. Two days is not wallowing in my grief. It's not unnatural or unhealthy to give in to my grief.
I wish I could totally remove myself from my life and spend these next two days exactly the way I want to, instead of having to continue with my responsibilities. Jack and I cried on the phone together tonight. We both feel so alone in our grief. I told him that next year we would plan to go away, either just the two of us, or all of us as a family - just for Abby's birthday and angelversary. What better way to celebrate her life and honor her memory than to spend time together, remembering her. No jobs, chores, or social responsibilities to monopolize Abby's Days.
Tomorrow and Wednesday I will look through Abby's scrapbook several times. I'll read my old journal entries about her birth and death, her funeral and my grief. I'll pull out the blanket and sleeper that are identical to the ones she was buried in. I'll sit on my bedroom floor and touch the carpet where she was born, held for a moment, and then crashed.
I'll sit with my grief and pain instead of shutting it out, stuffing it down, or pushing it aside. I'll sit at the cemetery and push my hands into the grass that covers her grave. I'll wash off her headstone. I'll drive out there at night to see her solar light glowing. I'll decorate her birthday cake and take pictures. I'll eat her cake and wish she was here. With every cell in my body, I'll wish she was here. And, I'll cry a river of tears and leave kleenex all over the house.
But, I will also pack Julia's lunch, put a clean swimming towel in her backpack, change diapers, wash little hands, make meals, move laundry, answer emails, check in to see how my girls are grieving, and clean my bathtub. Cuz this is what I do. I grieve and live and love. It's the ultimate multi-tasking.
I wish I could totally remove myself from my life and spend these next two days exactly the way I want to, instead of having to continue with my responsibilities. Jack and I cried on the phone together tonight. We both feel so alone in our grief. I told him that next year we would plan to go away, either just the two of us, or all of us as a family - just for Abby's birthday and angelversary. What better way to celebrate her life and honor her memory than to spend time together, remembering her. No jobs, chores, or social responsibilities to monopolize Abby's Days.
Tomorrow and Wednesday I will look through Abby's scrapbook several times. I'll read my old journal entries about her birth and death, her funeral and my grief. I'll pull out the blanket and sleeper that are identical to the ones she was buried in. I'll sit on my bedroom floor and touch the carpet where she was born, held for a moment, and then crashed.
I'll sit with my grief and pain instead of shutting it out, stuffing it down, or pushing it aside. I'll sit at the cemetery and push my hands into the grass that covers her grave. I'll wash off her headstone. I'll drive out there at night to see her solar light glowing. I'll decorate her birthday cake and take pictures. I'll eat her cake and wish she was here. With every cell in my body, I'll wish she was here. And, I'll cry a river of tears and leave kleenex all over the house.
But, I will also pack Julia's lunch, put a clean swimming towel in her backpack, change diapers, wash little hands, make meals, move laundry, answer emails, check in to see how my girls are grieving, and clean my bathtub. Cuz this is what I do. I grieve and live and love. It's the ultimate multi-tasking.