*help*
Charlotte nursed for most of the evening last night while Jack and I watched tv and moved laundry. We finally went to bed around 1 am, neither one of us realized it was that late until we were in bed. I tried to nurse Charlotte to sleep in our bed, but unless she was on the boob, she was *not* happy. My poor nips :-(
I finally gave up and went into the living room with her, sat in the recliner and nursed her until 5 am. Once in a while my head would droop forward or off to one side but there was no real sleep for me and she nursed almost constantly. Once Charlotte would stop nursing, I'd put her up to my shoulder to burp her, I'd feel the bubbles in her little body and she would usually burp but then she would be awake and cranky and want to nurse again. Lots of little farts too but no poops for a while so I think she is working on some transitional poops. My milk has started to come in, enough that I can see it and feel it letdown, but it hasn't come in like gangbusters yet - later today I expect.
So around 5 this morning I finally took her to Jack and handed her over. I felt sick I was so tired. I turned on the fan in my room, my white noise machine, stuffed in foam ear plugs and shut the bedroom door and tried to fall asleep. Daddy's shift lasted only half an hour - she would *not* settle down and my mommy radar could still hear her crying so I finally just called Jack and took Charlotte to bed with me. Once Charlotte would eat her fill, I would try to move just far enough away from her that she wouldn't accidentally find my boob again, but close enough that she knew I was still there and would stay asleep. I slept fitfully between nursing sessions and Julia's visits.
Julia had woken up at 5 when she heard Charolotte crying and she wouldn't go back to bed. Curses on the chirping birds and sunrise before 4 am.
Although Jack, Charlotte and I went back to bed and dozed off and on for a couple of hours, Julia stayed up. She kept coming in our room asking for more cereal, asking to go outside and play, asking to have a friend over, asking if it was morning yet, and trying to sleep in the bed with us.
I gave up on everyone and everything at 7:30, saw that Julia had scribbled on her arm with a ballpoint pen, discovered that the dog had shat in the laundry room for the second time this week, my cloth pads had failed me in the night , and I was so hungry and thirsty I would have killed someone for a glass of water and a crust of bread.
Two hardboiled eggs, sunflower flax toast and about 4 liters of water have saved some poor stranger from an untimely death. I am hoping the sunshine and daytime routine keeps my sanity intact today. A solid nap would be good too, and I fear our house will be swarmed with well-wishers. Part of me wants to see people but I fear my fragile sanity would not be able to handle it.
At least Charlotte has slept long enough without me this morning for me to brain dump here and find something to eat. Priorities, you know?
Julia is now watching a movie, I picked up the dog poo, put my pj's in the wash with some oxyclean, and scrubbed the ink off Julia's arm. My poor nips are burning, scabbed, and blistered. Our local lactation consultant only works Monday to Fridays too :-( Charlotte has a terrible habit of latching on good, giving one or two good sucks then she lets the nipple slip out just a litte bit before either slurping it back in all the way, or just mashing it against the roof of her mouth. It doesn't always hurt when she's not latched right and it's not until she comes off and I see another blister that I realize what she has done. I'll be hauling out my breastfeeding textbooks today, for sure.
Julia was such a high needs baby, only ever slept at my breast or stretched across my lap. Memories of her infant days have made my blood run cold and I was seriously worried about having another baby like that when I was pregnant with Abby and Charlotte. When I first tried to go to bed last night, Charlotte wouldn't settle, we were both exhausted and trying to cope, and I just suddenly very clearly remembered what it was like with Julia. The crying, the sleep deprivation, the frustration - it can get really ugly really fast. I remember being too afraid to go to sleep at night because it was easier to just stay awake than fall asleep and be woken up after only a few minutes. Afraid to turn off the light, get comfortable or allow myself to fall into a deep sleep. It's a special kind of torture, and I felt really afraid of that last night.
Then as I was sitting up in bed nursing Charlotte I remembered having Abby in our bed. I stroked Charlotte's fuzzy head, holding it in the palm of my hand and I could clearly see the thick black stitches that had run through Abby's hair and went all the way down behind her ears. I never got to hold Abby's head like that. Her head was misshapen after the autopsy because they had taken her entire brain, so she didn't have the perfect round little head anymore. I sat and cried, telling Abby I was sorry that They had done that to her, that I still thought she was beautiful. I miss her so much.