late night grieving as always
I often sit here at the computer in the late evening, after the girls are gone to bed and Jack is engrossed in late night sports tv. I look at Abby's pictures, I read old journal entries and I remember all the emotions surrounding Abby's birth and death. I looked at the picture of Abby wired up and ready for NICU transport and thought about Lucy.
birthingway's Lucy may be facing more heart surgery and as I was thinking about her, I wandered back to Dina's journal entries about Lucy's birth, early postpartum days and Lucy's initial heart crisis. I also went back and read emails that Dina and I sent to each other around that time; Dina at home with a newborn recovering from heart surgery and me at home almost 7 months pregnant. In one of those emails I wrote this:
"As I type this, my babe is hiccuping and kicking and even though I *know* there is an actual baby in there, it seems so unbelievable to me still!"
The whole time I was reading old journal entries and emails, my wee babe was wiggling and poking around inside me. That sentence reminded me that Abby was once alive inside me. She wasn't always dead in my arms, she was alive and moving inside me for nine months. She hiccuped, peed, practiced breathing movements, swallowed, sucked her fingers, kicked her legs, frowned, and slept. All the things I never saw her do after her birth. I have watched Abby's 20 week ultrasound, I have *seen* her move and kick, and it breaks my heart into a million pieces every time I watch it.
Is that all I'm going to have with this baby too? An ultrasound and some pregnancy journal entries? It feels very dangerous to allow myself to get excited about this baby. Opening my heart to the love and joy when it is still so raw and painful is a very scary thing, and yet I love this baby so much and I want her to feel that love. I want her to know how much she is wanted and how many hundreds of people are anxiously awaiting news of her safe arrival.
I miss you so much my Abby girl.