Friday again
Fridays used to be the day that I couldn't stop thinking about Abby. She was born late on a Friday night and died early in the morning so my mind would be constantly remembering my labour with her, her birth, her short life, and her death.
Today, I got through most of the day without realizing that it was Friday, that it was exactly 5 months and 1 week since her birth and death. Then tonight Jack and I went to the cemetery after dark.
It was very dark out but the sky was clear so there were sparkling stars as far as the eye could see. The roads into the cemetery had been plowed but snow had blown in and created thick drifts that we had to push through with the van. The new road near Abby's grave is further away than the old one, so we had to walk through the deep crusty snow to her grave. Her solar light had burned out which made me very sad, but I have another one to replace it with.
Because it was so dark, I couldn't see her headstone clearly but once I got right up to it, I squatted down and ran my fingers over the letters of her name. Just to feel those letters, the cold granite, and the delicate etching of her footprints brought hot tears and they ran down my cold, numb cheeks. I could see where her picture was but couldn't make out her face in the dark but I still touched the cold porcelain picture. I drew a big heart in the snow on her grave with my hand, my fingers aching and burning from the cold. The pain in my hand distracted me from the pain in my chest. I can't believe how fresh it felt. I told Jack, "It doesn't feel like it's been five months at all."
The darkness, the cold snow, her black headstone, the dead solar light - it was all too much. Ever since her headstone was put in place, it is so much more painful to go and visit her grave, but I know I need to see it over and over and over again. Maybe once I've seen it a hundred times, I believe it's true.
I miss you so much Abby girl. There just aren't words big enough to tell you how much. I love you baby girl.