and now her 6th year begins
I've pushed it to the back of my mind all day, but today marks the 5th anniversary of Abby's funeral. I actually think this day was only a tiny bit less painful and traumatic than the actual day of Abby's death. Today made it all real, and final. After today, I would never see Abby's face on earth again. After today, Life would continue whether I wanted it to or not. After today, Abby's perfect little body would decay deep in the ground.
Truly awful day.
And five years ago today, my cousin gave birth to her baby girl. Seeing 'happy birthday' posts on FaceBook just pricks my heart.
After searching the dusty corners of my brain for midwifery knowledge all day, I climbed into bed as Jack was waking up from his post night shift sleep. As he reached for me he asked, "How are you doing?" and I replied, "This date sucks." He agreed. Then it was just like this day five years ago; he stroked my hair and rubbed my back as I cried for Abby, feeling the grief all over again, along with the internal resistance and reluctance to let Abby go forever.
As painful as this day is, it's also the end of a week of grief and memories. It sounds weird, but I'm sad to see the sad days end for another year, as if I'm saying good-bye to Abby until this time next year. All of the other days on the calendar are marked for someone or something, but from June 9th to the 15th, those are Abby's days. I haven't had the time and space I've needed this week and I worry that it will continue to be like this in the years to come, as we get further and further away from the actual dates of Abby's birth, death, homecoming, and funeral. Well, I'm not going down without a fight and I will do my best to hold Abby's space every year.
As soon as this exam is over, I'm going to carve out some time for just me and Abby, before the craziness of summer, Charlotte's birthday, Kim's graduation, and Julia's swimming lessons take over.
Truly awful day.
And five years ago today, my cousin gave birth to her baby girl. Seeing 'happy birthday' posts on FaceBook just pricks my heart.
After searching the dusty corners of my brain for midwifery knowledge all day, I climbed into bed as Jack was waking up from his post night shift sleep. As he reached for me he asked, "How are you doing?" and I replied, "This date sucks." He agreed. Then it was just like this day five years ago; he stroked my hair and rubbed my back as I cried for Abby, feeling the grief all over again, along with the internal resistance and reluctance to let Abby go forever.
As painful as this day is, it's also the end of a week of grief and memories. It sounds weird, but I'm sad to see the sad days end for another year, as if I'm saying good-bye to Abby until this time next year. All of the other days on the calendar are marked for someone or something, but from June 9th to the 15th, those are Abby's days. I haven't had the time and space I've needed this week and I worry that it will continue to be like this in the years to come, as we get further and further away from the actual dates of Abby's birth, death, homecoming, and funeral. Well, I'm not going down without a fight and I will do my best to hold Abby's space every year.
As soon as this exam is over, I'm going to carve out some time for just me and Abby, before the craziness of summer, Charlotte's birthday, Kim's graduation, and Julia's swimming lessons take over.