(no subject)
my fear is going to eat me. there is no cure for fear.
there's also, it seems, no cure for feeling uncomfortable about sex. i told my therapist about the boys in my life and she said that sex/sexual activity is a trigger for me and that i should not engage because it is a poor substitute for the love that my parents have stopped giving me. i'm inclined to agree with her, mostly because it makes my life less complicated. this is not to say that i don't want sexual whatever in my life, it's just that i don't think i can handle it right now.
although the concept of being really loved and taken care of is quite nice. like a relationship of kisses on the cheek and hand holding. and really expensive dinners and unconditional support and back up. none of this sex crap, no matter how bad that stupid voice in my head wants it. what i really need is a good parent. lord. i am so screwed.
ultimatly i think i don't want to be alone and I am right now. well except for my friends and i love them. but they'll only hold my hand for so much longer. then it's up to me to have faith in the world to hold me.
uhg i really wish i didn't have feelings. it's just not worth it. except i really don't wish it, because that's like the beginning of a really bad "be careful what you wish for" movies.
there's also, it seems, no cure for feeling uncomfortable about sex. i told my therapist about the boys in my life and she said that sex/sexual activity is a trigger for me and that i should not engage because it is a poor substitute for the love that my parents have stopped giving me. i'm inclined to agree with her, mostly because it makes my life less complicated. this is not to say that i don't want sexual whatever in my life, it's just that i don't think i can handle it right now.
although the concept of being really loved and taken care of is quite nice. like a relationship of kisses on the cheek and hand holding. and really expensive dinners and unconditional support and back up. none of this sex crap, no matter how bad that stupid voice in my head wants it. what i really need is a good parent. lord. i am so screwed.
ultimatly i think i don't want to be alone and I am right now. well except for my friends and i love them. but they'll only hold my hand for so much longer. then it's up to me to have faith in the world to hold me.
uhg i really wish i didn't have feelings. it's just not worth it. except i really don't wish it, because that's like the beginning of a really bad "be careful what you wish for" movies.