(no subject)
i feel like primal screaming but everyone is sleeping. damn this world, damn it all.
i'm so PMS-y right now, except i'm having my period so it's not really pre. it's just menstral syndrome. i'm really sorry if i'm a bitch to anyone tomorrow. i've just put an incredibly unneccisary amount of stress on myself. and i don't have a damn person in this whole world to stick up for me.
nina i love you, this isn't about you, our trip is going to be wonderful, and we'll be totally ready and have everything ready for your parents so no one will be all pissy.
(p.s. i do think your parents are part of a rather large club of parents who don't entirely grasp the concept that they won't have control over their children in less than six months. or they do and are getting all the parent out of there system. i think sarah's parents are like this too. kate's parents as well. my parents know they lost control of me a long long long time ago, so now i just have to deal with them not being there for me when i need them. in any case, i totally understand the worry, i just have concern that if the worry for two weeks of you being entirely responsible for yourself is bad, what about life? atleast they're not like some parents who worry about their child being responsible for themselves for a night, or several hours. this is very good and you should thank them for it.)
anyway, i'm done pretending i know what it's like to be a parent. at least for now.
i'm still freaking out though. about everything. about life. life is scary. i'm scared because i'm living. this is here and now and i'm doing it and it scares the shit out of me. i'm so fucking terrified, i just wish i had someone to hold me through this, and i've only got myself. anyone to tell me i'm making the right decisions, that everythings going to be okay, that they're going to be with me no matter what. shit this is all because my parents split, now i have fear that someone will leave me. crap. i hate psychology. it makes far too much sense, and i don't want it to.
when did i become so closed off to the world emotionally? when did i stop letting go infront of others? did i ever start?
i am not prepared to be pink and fleshy. or at least i'm not prepared to let the world see my pink and fleshiness because i am definatly already pink and fleshy. maybe it's because deep down inside i think my problems are worse than other people's and i feel guilty about it? or maybe it's just that i know other people will never think their problems are less by seeing mine.
i have a spine that looks like it's made of steel so no one touches it, but if you poke it, it crumbles.
i'm so PMS-y right now, except i'm having my period so it's not really pre. it's just menstral syndrome. i'm really sorry if i'm a bitch to anyone tomorrow. i've just put an incredibly unneccisary amount of stress on myself. and i don't have a damn person in this whole world to stick up for me.
nina i love you, this isn't about you, our trip is going to be wonderful, and we'll be totally ready and have everything ready for your parents so no one will be all pissy.
(p.s. i do think your parents are part of a rather large club of parents who don't entirely grasp the concept that they won't have control over their children in less than six months. or they do and are getting all the parent out of there system. i think sarah's parents are like this too. kate's parents as well. my parents know they lost control of me a long long long time ago, so now i just have to deal with them not being there for me when i need them. in any case, i totally understand the worry, i just have concern that if the worry for two weeks of you being entirely responsible for yourself is bad, what about life? atleast they're not like some parents who worry about their child being responsible for themselves for a night, or several hours. this is very good and you should thank them for it.)
anyway, i'm done pretending i know what it's like to be a parent. at least for now.
i'm still freaking out though. about everything. about life. life is scary. i'm scared because i'm living. this is here and now and i'm doing it and it scares the shit out of me. i'm so fucking terrified, i just wish i had someone to hold me through this, and i've only got myself. anyone to tell me i'm making the right decisions, that everythings going to be okay, that they're going to be with me no matter what. shit this is all because my parents split, now i have fear that someone will leave me. crap. i hate psychology. it makes far too much sense, and i don't want it to.
when did i become so closed off to the world emotionally? when did i stop letting go infront of others? did i ever start?
i am not prepared to be pink and fleshy. or at least i'm not prepared to let the world see my pink and fleshiness because i am definatly already pink and fleshy. maybe it's because deep down inside i think my problems are worse than other people's and i feel guilty about it? or maybe it's just that i know other people will never think their problems are less by seeing mine.
i have a spine that looks like it's made of steel so no one touches it, but if you poke it, it crumbles.