(no subject)
today was weird. i felt weird all day.
i feel like every year or so i go through a period of sexual revolution, where I get all weird and sexual and strange. well i think a new one is starting.
i've always been the sort of tomboy friend that is a girl. i've always hung out with a lot of boys, but never been their romantic or sexual interest, which is fine with me, it's just the way it was. I accepted a long time ago that I just wasn't the girl guys sat around and talked about how hot she was and how much they wanted her and what not. and I'm totally okay with that. I'm also in total denial that anyone has ever had a crush on me. I guess I know it's happened, like I know people have liked me, I just don't believe it. And it's not non belief in a shocked kinda way, it's just like all the times it's happened don't count. which i think is vain, to a certain degree, but in any case that's the way it's been. i've also always assumed that when i'm with a group of guys they consider me one of them and they find me just as attractive as they find anyone else in the room. i guess i'm also operating on the assumption that all the guys i hang out with are heterosexual, which isn't true at all, but the gay ones aren't interested in me either.
so with all this context a kinda weird thing happened today.
i was sitting at dinner with a bunch of people, all boys except Rada, which is normal because somehow i've come to always eat dinner with a bunch of guys. there was this cake with whipped cream on it, which was quite good. I was done eating and just sitting at the table talking and what not, and there's a piece of cake belonging to Dan sitting across from me which he hasn't eaten yet, and so absent mindedly i start eating the whipped cream off the top of his cake with my finger. after a little while he realizes i've been molesting his cake and begins to complain. Colin, who is sitting a couple chairs over says something along the lines of "Don't complain, a lot of guys would pay money to see a girl lick whipped cream off her finger." I think this is a strange comment, because i eat whipped cream off my fingers all the time, and why the hell would you want to pay to see that. so I say so. then he asks if I'm 18 and I say "why would I need to be 18 to lick whipped cream off my fingers" and he says "well you need to be 18 to eat whipped cream off your fingers naked." and there's laughter. so then i was like, "oh, so you'd pay to see a girl naked lick whipped cream off her fingers" and they guys were like "no, clothed is fine." so i was like "well hey i need to raise money, if i'm gonna sit here and eat whipped cream y'all should pay." i'm joking. Dan says something along the lines of getting a whole bowl of whipped cream from the kitchen, and Nate pulls out 30 cents from his pocket. "It's all change I have." And this is all a big joke, but there were six guys at this table, and joking and all they seemed genuinely interested in seeing me lick my fingers clean of whipped cream. i've never been the sexual object of a group of guys even in a joke. I know i'm totally reading into this, but something like this had legit never really happened to me before, except in a sort of kitten room context where there was all sorts of dominance and submissive issues (long story) which made the whole thing totally irrelivant.
i just left the situation feeling very odd, not bad, kinda good about myself, but mostly just strange that it had happened.
i've clearly got some serious sex issues to work out, which became even more apparant as I talked about my childhood during night skills. i mean i have serious self image issues, mostly just the belief that i am not attractive. i do believe that, and i don't need a bunch of comments being like "but tori you're gorgeous." because i don't really take issue with it, it just messes with my self confidence and image of myself in a relationship some days. i've accepted my role as the no hideous but not gorgeous friend who is a girl who's fun but not sexual. and certainly not attractive. mostly i guess just not female. and i crave that to an extent.
but i am thinking that something recently has made me more attractive. i think it's my hair. i get more attention on days when it's clean and down. it's long, it's pretty, it's a major pain in my ass. i'm going to shave my head soon. part of it is that i don't really want to be physically attractive, because i want to tell myself it's not importaint, because i've never believed myself to be pretty. maybe if i shave my head people will think it's just my lack of hair that makes me homely and that i'm actually a pretty girl. i don't know. it's messed up. i'm messed up. this whole damn gender sex thing is fucked. no pun intended.
i just can't see myself in a healthy sexual relationship, ever. to be honest, i can't see myself in a sexual relationship, period. ever. my two reasons for wanting to have sex are curiousity and validation. and aparently it feels good, but you can't miss what you never had. i may never have an orgasm in my whole life. and part of me is okay with that. part of me is kinda pissed. but a good bit is okay with that. i think it's mostly just cultural conflict.
and then there's that stupid little voice calling out inside me screaming "i want a boyfriend i want a boyfriend sex sex boyfriend seduce a teacher!"
i feel like every year or so i go through a period of sexual revolution, where I get all weird and sexual and strange. well i think a new one is starting.
i've always been the sort of tomboy friend that is a girl. i've always hung out with a lot of boys, but never been their romantic or sexual interest, which is fine with me, it's just the way it was. I accepted a long time ago that I just wasn't the girl guys sat around and talked about how hot she was and how much they wanted her and what not. and I'm totally okay with that. I'm also in total denial that anyone has ever had a crush on me. I guess I know it's happened, like I know people have liked me, I just don't believe it. And it's not non belief in a shocked kinda way, it's just like all the times it's happened don't count. which i think is vain, to a certain degree, but in any case that's the way it's been. i've also always assumed that when i'm with a group of guys they consider me one of them and they find me just as attractive as they find anyone else in the room. i guess i'm also operating on the assumption that all the guys i hang out with are heterosexual, which isn't true at all, but the gay ones aren't interested in me either.
so with all this context a kinda weird thing happened today.
i was sitting at dinner with a bunch of people, all boys except Rada, which is normal because somehow i've come to always eat dinner with a bunch of guys. there was this cake with whipped cream on it, which was quite good. I was done eating and just sitting at the table talking and what not, and there's a piece of cake belonging to Dan sitting across from me which he hasn't eaten yet, and so absent mindedly i start eating the whipped cream off the top of his cake with my finger. after a little while he realizes i've been molesting his cake and begins to complain. Colin, who is sitting a couple chairs over says something along the lines of "Don't complain, a lot of guys would pay money to see a girl lick whipped cream off her finger." I think this is a strange comment, because i eat whipped cream off my fingers all the time, and why the hell would you want to pay to see that. so I say so. then he asks if I'm 18 and I say "why would I need to be 18 to lick whipped cream off my fingers" and he says "well you need to be 18 to eat whipped cream off your fingers naked." and there's laughter. so then i was like, "oh, so you'd pay to see a girl naked lick whipped cream off her fingers" and they guys were like "no, clothed is fine." so i was like "well hey i need to raise money, if i'm gonna sit here and eat whipped cream y'all should pay." i'm joking. Dan says something along the lines of getting a whole bowl of whipped cream from the kitchen, and Nate pulls out 30 cents from his pocket. "It's all change I have." And this is all a big joke, but there were six guys at this table, and joking and all they seemed genuinely interested in seeing me lick my fingers clean of whipped cream. i've never been the sexual object of a group of guys even in a joke. I know i'm totally reading into this, but something like this had legit never really happened to me before, except in a sort of kitten room context where there was all sorts of dominance and submissive issues (long story) which made the whole thing totally irrelivant.
i just left the situation feeling very odd, not bad, kinda good about myself, but mostly just strange that it had happened.
i've clearly got some serious sex issues to work out, which became even more apparant as I talked about my childhood during night skills. i mean i have serious self image issues, mostly just the belief that i am not attractive. i do believe that, and i don't need a bunch of comments being like "but tori you're gorgeous." because i don't really take issue with it, it just messes with my self confidence and image of myself in a relationship some days. i've accepted my role as the no hideous but not gorgeous friend who is a girl who's fun but not sexual. and certainly not attractive. mostly i guess just not female. and i crave that to an extent.
but i am thinking that something recently has made me more attractive. i think it's my hair. i get more attention on days when it's clean and down. it's long, it's pretty, it's a major pain in my ass. i'm going to shave my head soon. part of it is that i don't really want to be physically attractive, because i want to tell myself it's not importaint, because i've never believed myself to be pretty. maybe if i shave my head people will think it's just my lack of hair that makes me homely and that i'm actually a pretty girl. i don't know. it's messed up. i'm messed up. this whole damn gender sex thing is fucked. no pun intended.
i just can't see myself in a healthy sexual relationship, ever. to be honest, i can't see myself in a sexual relationship, period. ever. my two reasons for wanting to have sex are curiousity and validation. and aparently it feels good, but you can't miss what you never had. i may never have an orgasm in my whole life. and part of me is okay with that. part of me is kinda pissed. but a good bit is okay with that. i think it's mostly just cultural conflict.
and then there's that stupid little voice calling out inside me screaming "i want a boyfriend i want a boyfriend sex sex boyfriend seduce a teacher!"