Return of the Face!Alien
I got some bad news today. The cyst in my jaw has recurred.
For those of you who don't know, in September 2010, my dentist discovered an enormous cyst in the bone of my jaw on the left hand side, as a result of my wisdom tooth being a really dumb place (embedded in my jaw where it really should not have been). I had to have an operation to remove it, which happened in December 2010. Following that, I had a problematic recovery and 8+ months of recurring infections and pain.
I call the cyst in my jaw (and all related problems) the Face!Alien for my own amusement and to make a hideous and appalling thing less horrendous in my own mind.
For about two+ weeks now, I've been having achey, niggly toothache in my back teeth. The last time I was at the dentist(not too long ago) I was told this was likely because I was grinding my teeth in my sleep, so I dismissed it as that. Then, on Friday, the back left side of my jaw (where I'd had the cyst and subsequent infections) felt sort of oddly tight. Like it had when it was infected. I had a look and a poke around - and it was obvious that Things Were Not Right. I don't want to go into gross details, but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was definitely infected.
So this morning I managed to get an emergency appointment with my dentist. This was a bit awkward because I'd gone into work and then had to leave, promising to be back ASAP. (Ha ha.) But anyway, off I toddled to the dentist - picking up my Mum on the way because she's my Dental Lucky Charm. (For all of my time at school and uni, we booked our dental appointments together because it was simple. Then the first ever - and still the only - time I went to the dentist without her, I found out about the Face!Alien, but at the time the dentist thought it might be cancer, and the whole thing was horrible. So she has to come with me now. Heh.) So, we went to the dentist, I explained that Things Were Not Right; she had a look and confirmed, yes, Things Are Not Right - but she said she'd like to do an x-ray to rule out anything more serious than infection. I said, "Okay."
She did the x-ray. When she looked at it, there was a big dark space under the second-from-the-back tooth - the tooth that was damaged by the Face!Alien. She said it was unusually large and she wanted to do a bigger x-ray to make sure it wasn't anything more than just a big infection.
I was sent to The Other Surgery for the x-ray. Which, I have to admit, is pretty cool! The machine spins around your head to x-ray the whole of your jaw!
The Other Surgery printed a copy of the x-ray, handed it to me with my notes, and sent me back to my dentist. So now, Mum and I had a copy of the x-ray. We sat in Tesco's car park and stared at the little envelope for a second.
I said, "I don't know whether I want to look or not."
She said, "Go on, let's look."
We looked.
I knew, the second I saw that x-ray, that the Face!Alien was back. It was just too big to be anything else. My heart just sank.
Still, as Mum said, we shouldn't do anything until we actually had confirmation from a medical professional - so we dutifully went back to my dentist and handed in the notes and x-ray and waited yet again. Joking about things. Like how I'm "The Girl with a Cyst for a Face" again. (Maybe siraplowe will make that Channel 4 style documentary this time...)
I was called back in to see the dentist, and I knew from her face that it wasn't good news. She said it was a recurrence of the cyst (Face!Alien) and it would need to be removed. She showed me on the x-ray - and actually, it was larger than I'd thought, looking at it as an amateur, albeit one who'd seen x-rays of cysts before!
So, I've been referred to the local hospital and am awaiting an appointment there now.
And so begins the wait.
I think the worst thing is the fact that the Face!Alien is, for me, irrevocably linked to my Nan dying and every time I think about going through the operation (and that pain) again, it reminds me of losing my Nan.
What upset me more than anything - what really set me off getting upset - this afternoon was when my Mum reminded me of my Nan. (She said something about what she would say/do if she was here, and I just set off crying - not about the cyst, although I think that's why my Mum thought I was crying, but about how much I missed her.) Last time, having a cyst - having this operation - stopped me from saying goodbye to my Nan. And I still feel guilty about that. It's just making facing this operation again a thousand times worse.
I don't know how I'm going to do this. I mean, I'm going to have to: it will eventually break my jaw if I don't. But. That pain. It's not quite the worst I've ever experienced (that's another cyst story) but ... it was the fact that it just would. not. fuck. off. I'm really scared.
I remember hearing from the doctors that the cyst might recur (back in 2011). And the dread of that made me actually break down in the back of the car. I literally couldn't stop crying. I remember that feeling. I remember thinking then that I couldn't stand to do it all over again. I remember thinking that of course it would come back because this is me.
So I'm not actually surprised. That's one thing I'm not.
Oh, and then I had to go back to work and explain why I'd been gone for four hours! So that was great. /sarcasm
Thankfully my boss was understanding, though he did not look delighted when I said I'd have to have an operation. Understandable. (Thinking about the timing, it might happen over summer - which could work well. I hope, anyway. Though it will likely scupper my summer holiday plans. Ugh, whenever it happens it will be terrible and will screw up everything.)
All in all, today was horrible.
All I wanted to do today was wish one of my friends Happy Birthday and buy Star Wars Episode VII. But no: instead I got to pay £20 for the privilege of being given bad news.
.
For those of you who don't know, in September 2010, my dentist discovered an enormous cyst in the bone of my jaw on the left hand side, as a result of my wisdom tooth being a really dumb place (embedded in my jaw where it really should not have been). I had to have an operation to remove it, which happened in December 2010. Following that, I had a problematic recovery and 8+ months of recurring infections and pain.
I call the cyst in my jaw (and all related problems) the Face!Alien for my own amusement and to make a hideous and appalling thing less horrendous in my own mind.
For about two+ weeks now, I've been having achey, niggly toothache in my back teeth. The last time I was at the dentist(not too long ago) I was told this was likely because I was grinding my teeth in my sleep, so I dismissed it as that. Then, on Friday, the back left side of my jaw (where I'd had the cyst and subsequent infections) felt sort of oddly tight. Like it had when it was infected. I had a look and a poke around - and it was obvious that Things Were Not Right. I don't want to go into gross details, but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was definitely infected.
So this morning I managed to get an emergency appointment with my dentist. This was a bit awkward because I'd gone into work and then had to leave, promising to be back ASAP. (Ha ha.) But anyway, off I toddled to the dentist - picking up my Mum on the way because she's my Dental Lucky Charm. (For all of my time at school and uni, we booked our dental appointments together because it was simple. Then the first ever - and still the only - time I went to the dentist without her, I found out about the Face!Alien, but at the time the dentist thought it might be cancer, and the whole thing was horrible. So she has to come with me now. Heh.) So, we went to the dentist, I explained that Things Were Not Right; she had a look and confirmed, yes, Things Are Not Right - but she said she'd like to do an x-ray to rule out anything more serious than infection. I said, "Okay."
She did the x-ray. When she looked at it, there was a big dark space under the second-from-the-back tooth - the tooth that was damaged by the Face!Alien. She said it was unusually large and she wanted to do a bigger x-ray to make sure it wasn't anything more than just a big infection.
I was sent to The Other Surgery for the x-ray. Which, I have to admit, is pretty cool! The machine spins around your head to x-ray the whole of your jaw!
The Other Surgery printed a copy of the x-ray, handed it to me with my notes, and sent me back to my dentist. So now, Mum and I had a copy of the x-ray. We sat in Tesco's car park and stared at the little envelope for a second.
I said, "I don't know whether I want to look or not."
She said, "Go on, let's look."
We looked.
I knew, the second I saw that x-ray, that the Face!Alien was back. It was just too big to be anything else. My heart just sank.
Still, as Mum said, we shouldn't do anything until we actually had confirmation from a medical professional - so we dutifully went back to my dentist and handed in the notes and x-ray and waited yet again. Joking about things. Like how I'm "The Girl with a Cyst for a Face" again. (Maybe siraplowe will make that Channel 4 style documentary this time...)
I was called back in to see the dentist, and I knew from her face that it wasn't good news. She said it was a recurrence of the cyst (Face!Alien) and it would need to be removed. She showed me on the x-ray - and actually, it was larger than I'd thought, looking at it as an amateur, albeit one who'd seen x-rays of cysts before!
So, I've been referred to the local hospital and am awaiting an appointment there now.
And so begins the wait.
I think the worst thing is the fact that the Face!Alien is, for me, irrevocably linked to my Nan dying and every time I think about going through the operation (and that pain) again, it reminds me of losing my Nan.
What upset me more than anything - what really set me off getting upset - this afternoon was when my Mum reminded me of my Nan. (She said something about what she would say/do if she was here, and I just set off crying - not about the cyst, although I think that's why my Mum thought I was crying, but about how much I missed her.) Last time, having a cyst - having this operation - stopped me from saying goodbye to my Nan. And I still feel guilty about that. It's just making facing this operation again a thousand times worse.
I don't know how I'm going to do this. I mean, I'm going to have to: it will eventually break my jaw if I don't. But. That pain. It's not quite the worst I've ever experienced (that's another cyst story) but ... it was the fact that it just would. not. fuck. off. I'm really scared.
I remember hearing from the doctors that the cyst might recur (back in 2011). And the dread of that made me actually break down in the back of the car. I literally couldn't stop crying. I remember that feeling. I remember thinking then that I couldn't stand to do it all over again. I remember thinking that of course it would come back because this is me.
So I'm not actually surprised. That's one thing I'm not.
Oh, and then I had to go back to work and explain why I'd been gone for four hours! So that was great. /sarcasm
Thankfully my boss was understanding, though he did not look delighted when I said I'd have to have an operation. Understandable. (Thinking about the timing, it might happen over summer - which could work well. I hope, anyway. Though it will likely scupper my summer holiday plans. Ugh, whenever it happens it will be terrible and will screw up everything.)
All in all, today was horrible.
All I wanted to do today was wish one of my friends Happy Birthday and buy Star Wars Episode VII. But no: instead I got to pay £20 for the privilege of being given bad news.
.