(no subject)
Man i find it really funny how a cab driver has more time for me and more compasion than my mother, and friends combined.
I had to cab home from work, basically ended up fucking crying all the rest of my shift, a few customers asked if i was ok. Talked on msn for a bit tried to talk to pat he basicialy said to leave him alone. Apprently Him, Zach, Erin and Ricky are hanging out tomorow.. so i guess I won't be seeing any of them tomorow. Oh well i guess, maybe its for the best, I probobly should have realized the idiocy of trying to be friends with them anyway. Same old gulable me i guess, allways believe the best ect.
Why is it just when everything starts to get better, the peices all start to fit back into place, something has to come and smash it all down again? I guess some Erin/Me blow out was coming, and it was foolish to try and hold on. Maybe we're better off not being friends. The idea that ricky and me would remain friends was stupid, I mean I know its a line that you say and at that point i should have realised all the past shit was just that, shit. So why did I foolishly believe that we could remain friends? Or that he wanted to? Is it even possible? Does anyone "break up" and remian friends? I mean real friends like we were?
Funny part is outta all this, what hurts most is the fact that Pat gone to. I mean when does breaking up with some guy equal losing all you friends with it? Ok I guess losing erin isn't that much of a strech because well, ricky leave me for erin, ok losing that "friendship" at least kinda makes scence. But why pat? Why zach, zac, nick, david lee, apple ect? WTF? Why KAREN? I Mean i know pat hates confrontation, but the fact that matt black (also hating confrontation and staying the hell outta anything erin/me related) was able to be there for me and not pat? Why after all the long shit/hurtfull stuff with ricky and erin, and whatever they say directly to me or whatever gets to me hurt less than what pat says?
I hate this.
I'm alone, miserable and a cab drive, complete stranger! Gives more of a fuck about me than those i trust/care for.
I haven't seen alaurea mere ect in a long time, that hurts. I miss all my old friends, i miss everyone. I miss alot of the way things were but i'm left wondering, was any of that real? It probobly best to not think about it too much.
I need to spend more time intown, Not sure where i'm sleeping tonight. I kinda wanna go back to my moms bed, just to have someone there. But she can't even be bothered to come pick me up, and when i called her upset and asking to go home she told me to go outside and stand on the corner to wait for a cab. I think sleeping there will make me feel more alone but i don't know.
Oddly enought i haven't even spoken/heard from karen, i'm crying and i want to call her but i'm so scared.. so fucking pathetically affraid that if i do i'll get a reaction like pat, or worst.
I failed my math re-test, i have another math test tomorow, work was fucking busy, my chem and bio marks weren't so great. And lotsa shit sucks. I'm btiching and people else ware are starving and have real problems. While i write about my misery on a 2,000 $ PC to livejournal. Others may get 1$ for working all day, four years olds, babies will die, and children will go to bed hungry and sleep outside. I know all this, and it breaks my heart. Yet I can't stop crying about how bad i feel. I'm being horribly selfish and evil and That bothers me. But i still can't stop feeling miserable, I just want to be able to have anyone here for me right now... even someone pretending that everything is allright or to just hold me until i can stop this fucking disgushing display of selfishness and weakness. Fuck, I'm not suposed to cry anymore, why won't my eyes run dry.
I'm suposed to be over this, why the fuck is this like having a band-aid over an severed artery. Why is just when i start to accept one blow, the suport base under neath falls apart. Why when i need people to they disapear, and why didn't i see it before.
I'm also learning how much i failed at being there for other people, because i became so absorbed in the needs of those directly around me, other people had to suffer simply becuase they weren't my friends. I should have paid more attention, i should have helped them to, why now am i just learnign the errors of my ways.
I had to cab home from work, basically ended up fucking crying all the rest of my shift, a few customers asked if i was ok. Talked on msn for a bit tried to talk to pat he basicialy said to leave him alone. Apprently Him, Zach, Erin and Ricky are hanging out tomorow.. so i guess I won't be seeing any of them tomorow. Oh well i guess, maybe its for the best, I probobly should have realized the idiocy of trying to be friends with them anyway. Same old gulable me i guess, allways believe the best ect.
Why is it just when everything starts to get better, the peices all start to fit back into place, something has to come and smash it all down again? I guess some Erin/Me blow out was coming, and it was foolish to try and hold on. Maybe we're better off not being friends. The idea that ricky and me would remain friends was stupid, I mean I know its a line that you say and at that point i should have realised all the past shit was just that, shit. So why did I foolishly believe that we could remain friends? Or that he wanted to? Is it even possible? Does anyone "break up" and remian friends? I mean real friends like we were?
Funny part is outta all this, what hurts most is the fact that Pat gone to. I mean when does breaking up with some guy equal losing all you friends with it? Ok I guess losing erin isn't that much of a strech because well, ricky leave me for erin, ok losing that "friendship" at least kinda makes scence. But why pat? Why zach, zac, nick, david lee, apple ect? WTF? Why KAREN? I Mean i know pat hates confrontation, but the fact that matt black (also hating confrontation and staying the hell outta anything erin/me related) was able to be there for me and not pat? Why after all the long shit/hurtfull stuff with ricky and erin, and whatever they say directly to me or whatever gets to me hurt less than what pat says?
I hate this.
I'm alone, miserable and a cab drive, complete stranger! Gives more of a fuck about me than those i trust/care for.
I haven't seen alaurea mere ect in a long time, that hurts. I miss all my old friends, i miss everyone. I miss alot of the way things were but i'm left wondering, was any of that real? It probobly best to not think about it too much.
I need to spend more time intown, Not sure where i'm sleeping tonight. I kinda wanna go back to my moms bed, just to have someone there. But she can't even be bothered to come pick me up, and when i called her upset and asking to go home she told me to go outside and stand on the corner to wait for a cab. I think sleeping there will make me feel more alone but i don't know.
Oddly enought i haven't even spoken/heard from karen, i'm crying and i want to call her but i'm so scared.. so fucking pathetically affraid that if i do i'll get a reaction like pat, or worst.
I failed my math re-test, i have another math test tomorow, work was fucking busy, my chem and bio marks weren't so great. And lotsa shit sucks. I'm btiching and people else ware are starving and have real problems. While i write about my misery on a 2,000 $ PC to livejournal. Others may get 1$ for working all day, four years olds, babies will die, and children will go to bed hungry and sleep outside. I know all this, and it breaks my heart. Yet I can't stop crying about how bad i feel. I'm being horribly selfish and evil and That bothers me. But i still can't stop feeling miserable, I just want to be able to have anyone here for me right now... even someone pretending that everything is allright or to just hold me until i can stop this fucking disgushing display of selfishness and weakness. Fuck, I'm not suposed to cry anymore, why won't my eyes run dry.
I'm suposed to be over this, why the fuck is this like having a band-aid over an severed artery. Why is just when i start to accept one blow, the suport base under neath falls apart. Why when i need people to they disapear, and why didn't i see it before.
I'm also learning how much i failed at being there for other people, because i became so absorbed in the needs of those directly around me, other people had to suffer simply becuase they weren't my friends. I should have paid more attention, i should have helped them to, why now am i just learnign the errors of my ways.