(no subject)
Its over, as soon as i posted my last journal entry she called. She said we shouldnt talk anymore, which i understand cuz shes miserable right now. I just wish i could do something about it, and she said she shouldnt talk. I guess by doing that, it should make her truly happy. I failed again in life, i made someone fail and i feel retarded. I made her miss alot of her classes just so i can be ok, which isnt right. I wish i was alright, i wish i was just a normal ordinary guy. I wish i never thought about marriage. But when i met her, it just clicked. It just clicked saying i want to be with her for the rest of my life, and now we arent even talking. I guess this is part of growing up, part of "moving on" that everyone wants me to do, but i dont. I guess this is part of being heart broken, its "for the better" for both of us, but you know what... i really dont think so.
It may be better for her, hell i know its going to be. When we grow old i can see her with the man of her life, and i can smile at them. I really do hope someday we can talk again, but for now im giving her what she wants. Im giving her time to herself, time for myself to get things straight, time for her to get herself straight, hopefully going back to school and being successful. I believe this is the biggest sacrifice in my life and will be. Not being able to talk to her, just so she can be ok. But hell, i would sacrifice anything just to see her truly smile again, and to know that shes truly happy. I would sacrifice my own life, happiness, anything just to see her once more with that beautiful smile, hear her loving voice, and know that she is ok. Yes i am miserable. Ive always been miserable, its like a rollercoaster ride. Just like our relationship we had, it had its up and down. My life is going up at one point, then bam something tragic. Friend dying, Shit at school, people leaving me. I get better, hell it took me almost forever for all the things, but eventually... or should i say hopefully... i can be ok with things again. Start going up the hill of the rollercoaster, just enjoying the nice rush to your head, being ready for anything, any downfall in life, any loops and twists. This is part of life i guess, and im glad i was able to go through it once again.
Hope i am ok. I always say to keep my head up high and move forward, and i am trying to do that.
It may be better for her, hell i know its going to be. When we grow old i can see her with the man of her life, and i can smile at them. I really do hope someday we can talk again, but for now im giving her what she wants. Im giving her time to herself, time for myself to get things straight, time for her to get herself straight, hopefully going back to school and being successful. I believe this is the biggest sacrifice in my life and will be. Not being able to talk to her, just so she can be ok. But hell, i would sacrifice anything just to see her truly smile again, and to know that shes truly happy. I would sacrifice my own life, happiness, anything just to see her once more with that beautiful smile, hear her loving voice, and know that she is ok. Yes i am miserable. Ive always been miserable, its like a rollercoaster ride. Just like our relationship we had, it had its up and down. My life is going up at one point, then bam something tragic. Friend dying, Shit at school, people leaving me. I get better, hell it took me almost forever for all the things, but eventually... or should i say hopefully... i can be ok with things again. Start going up the hill of the rollercoaster, just enjoying the nice rush to your head, being ready for anything, any downfall in life, any loops and twists. This is part of life i guess, and im glad i was able to go through it once again.
Hope i am ok. I always say to keep my head up high and move forward, and i am trying to do that.