(no subject)
I hate being yelled at by her. It just makes me more weaker. Shes hating me now, i could just tell. I just wanted to just vent it out i guess, so i went to her friend. She knows how i feel so i just told her everything. Maria later found out and was flipping out, saying it was too personal. I duno, yeah i know it was really personal, but i thought her best friend shouldve known atleast. Just to have an idea i guess. It was just painful having her tweak out at me. Im too weak to fight back, ive always been so weak. Shes with Sean, and im happy for her. Even if my body isnt showing that, even if im always awake, not being able to sleep, or having headaches 24/7, im still happy for her deep down inside.
I just need to get away from here i guess. Already found a fulltime job for january, but maybe i should take a little vacation somewhere away from here. Matt told me to go there for a week in january, but theres no point if hes going across sea soon. But i might have to take up that offer, i just really need to get away. Maybe i will be able to sleep then, or maybe i will start being ok again. Ive been thinkin about it over and over, just leaving this world, never coming back. People dont want me to go, but for what reason? Why do i need to hang on more? Why do i need to stay here? Why cant i just go?
If there was a reason to live, sure ill do it. That is why i was still around when i was with her, cuz she was my reason to live. I wanted to live, to make her happy, smile, and be with me forever, for our future. Maybe thats what she really needs right now... for me to live, for me to be happy for her, so she can truly be happy. But i dont even think like that anymore. I know shes not happy im being like this right now, even though she hates me right now. Im sure deep down inside she still cares about me, wants me to move on, and let her do whatever she wants. And im giving her that. Im giving her the freedom she always wanted, Im giving her the life she wants to live, the man she wants to be with, the love that she should be getting. Im sorry for making everybody worry, i just hate being in pain, suffering from all of this. But deep down inside, maybe someday i can smile, someday i can see them together and truly smile and say to myself "Im glad shes finally with the man she wants to be with. Im glad i was finally able to let her go, and im glad that shes going to be happy."
I just wish someone could save me.