(no subject)
So yeah, fuck this private stuff now. I got nothing to hide anymore. I really hope she threw away everything that we shared together, cuz it doesnt even mean anything anymore. Especially the engagement ring. We arent even talking right now. Hell i wish i could talk to her, but seems like she doesnt want to, or doesnt care or something.
People keep telling me to stay away from her, dont talk to her, but i dont really want that. I miss her voice, her love, her support whenever she knew i was in bad shape. I miss how she took care of me whenever i was sick, whenever i was hurt. I havent been able to smile for atleast a month now, Maybe more, and she was the only one who made me truly smile. I hope shes doing well, i cant even ask her cuz people dont want me to. But i just hope she threw everything away. She doesnt want anything to do with me, just being friends. Shes giving me time off to just stay away from her, so i can focus on stuff. I guess shes doing the same thing, avoiding me, so i can just focus on life right now. What is life?
Ive been so weak lately. constant headaches, my chest hurts 24/7. my body, mind, and soul is tired but cant rest at all. Im just a big mess. atleast when she was still talking, or still here for me, i could get some rest. I read her away message earlier and she had "im not sorry its over". uhh yeah that kinda hurts. But she wants me to move on, without hurting myself, without doing anything to myself, and im giving her what she wants. She couldnt give me what i wanted, but i guess she won cuz im giving her what she wanted from us. Shes moved on, moved on from our future that we had planned out, moved on from being here for me when i need her, moved on from loving me overall.People say dont hurt myself, dont do anything stupid. But i dont know how much longer i can take this. I dont know how much longer i can hold onto this. Acting like ive been ok. nobody really understood me but her. And she accepted me for that. She has always accepted me for what ive been through, what my decisions were on things, and it really seemed like she was the only one that did that. She knows how i feel about this whole thing, yet somehow, she still wants me to hold onto life. I dont want to hold on anymore, its just painful to see as it is. Seeing her being with somebody else, and if all goes well getting married. I dont want to see that at all. I would rather just die now than suffer from seeing that. I was always told its easy for you to just die, but hard to live on. Maybe i am too weak, and taking the easy way out, but i guess thats how i am. I dont want to suffer anymore, somebody save me... somebody be here for me.
I wish I did the x-mas present for her already. I wrote a song for her, and was planning to buy flowers. She always wanted me to sing while playing guitar, even if my voice was bad. I put my body and soul into the lyrics, and i believe it came out nice. She has never recieved flowers before either, so i really thought it wouldve been nice. I was planning on just buying really pretty flowers, so i can see that beautiful smile when i gave it to her. But nope. She moved on from me. Probably doesnt care of what i was going to do for her. She moved on from me. Being with somebody else. She moved on from me, while im still here being left behind. I just wish i gave her that xmas present last year instead of this year. It wouldve been perfect.
Somebody... anybody... just save me from this misery.