Wait a goddamn minute, I'm fucking awesome!
Ok so its been a whirlwind since I last wrote anything. Ill skip the details. Its Ok, you know when life gets a bit slow I tend to marinate in my own melancholic juices and focus on stupid shit that will culminate one way or another regardless of my input. Either steve loves me or he doesnt. Not a whole helluva lot I can do about it except keep on keepin on. And with that thought in mind Ive stepped back a bit, cooled my fires and kept on. Enough about him.
So today I had a minor epiphany. While helping one of my older depressive flaky and annoying freinds move, I met her new roomate. Nice lady. Very smart. Obviously a lezbian, but whatever. She took an interest in me- not flirtatious- just 'so who are you'? And after moving some stuff she asked me "so what do you do?" My mind went completely blank. Totally at a loss for words and I sat with my mouth open and what must have been a supremely confused look on my face for about half a minute before I responded "Oh Gawd, EVERYTHING!" Then I stuttered and tried to explain...3 kids, live on ranch, substitute teach....My best clever answer would have been 'I reinvent the wheel every damn day' but I wasnt feeling all that clever. Anyhow the epiphany is this: I dont have a simple answer to that most basic of everyday questions. I have a few paragraphs. Possibly the first few chapters in a strange novel. At best a heavy tome that few folks would actually wish to pick up and read. But I have no clipped one sentence answer that most folks in polite society memorize and shoot back to such a query. I guess Im...complicated. And not complicated like some narcissist drama queen that thinks she owns the world, but complicated in that I do reinvent the wheel every goddamn day, and Im not satisfied because I havent reinvented all of them. I want most of all in life to be completely self sufficient. My dream would be to never exchange money for anything. Barter. My skills for yours. What skills I cant barter for I wish I could learn. Id like to be able to rebuild an engine, as well as provide ALL the food for my family. Jezuss I designed my own damn house and did just about all the finishing work after framing. There are days when I think there is not a goddamn thing I cant do...and then there are days when I think I cant do a goddamn thing. So to remind myself, I thought Id try and compile a small list of shit I can do:
Art: Painting, sculpture, poetry, short stories, random crafty shit.
Amazing botanical knowledge
Plethora of biological knowledge of all varieties
I can do some tiling, stone masonry, basic plumbing and electrical work
A stockpile of veterinary and medical knowledge
Livestock afficionado
I can cook gourmet food to die for
I managed (so far) to raise 3 amazing smart, gorgeous wonderful kids that everyone adores
I think if the whole world went to shit, Im the person that could organize and manage to survive and take care of my family and freinds. I could see being a stronghold during the apocalypse.
I can teach.
I have no musical talent but I love music and if the apocalypse happens I will definately take time to learn an instrument, I used to sing fair to middlin.
I can ride a horse. Anywhere.And I can train any horse...or for that matter most animals, though Ive never taken the time to train a chicken.
I am essentially fearless. Hear that? Fearless. My only fears are the maternal ones. Those have been my only fears. ever. And they are biologically based. But theres not one damn thing I wouldnt do for my kids. Fuck you sarah palin- I'M the momma Grizzly bear!!!
My threshold of pain is ledgendary. However I wont harp on this...Im nearly 40 and everyday brings new pain.
I could live in the wild and fair quite well if I had to.
I need to learn to spin, and knit and sew. Someday Ill get sheep. And ill make amazing sweaters and amazing sheeps milk cheese and yogurt.
I can chop wood, use a chainsaw, drive a tractor (though I cant fix the damn thing-steves helped with diagnostics, might just be thermostat and I can do that) Im not so good at building stuff but Im working on it and I know how to use the tools, shit just gets wanky. Measure twice, cut once- working on that. I can fix windows, set doorframes, repair small shit.
I hate plumbing but Ive sat in a muddy ditch in the rain (only happens when its raining) and fixed main lines and spigots a bizillion times.
Heres something for the wish list- I want to weld. Big piles of metal. Just for shitsngiggles. Some women adore shoes....(well I like shoes too, but...)
winemaking. Now Ive made some interesting wines that got mostly positive review. My quince wine was outstanding, may try again this year with the hundred weight of quince I have on the tree. Plum wine. Peach wine. I need a still. And Id like to try beermaking. Then I could get all my favorite fermented products in a row, cheese, sourdough bread and various alcoholic beverages. Yes I do love alcohol. Not ashamed.
Argument. Yes I do it well. Generally with excellent mocking humor.
Ok. Done. Cant think of anything else and still I feel I come up short in todays economic climate. Almost looking forward to the apocalyps so I can shine. Hahaha.
Anyway, I'm over my few weak depressive moments. fortunately they dont last too long. Im a busy lady.
So today I had a minor epiphany. While helping one of my older depressive flaky and annoying freinds move, I met her new roomate. Nice lady. Very smart. Obviously a lezbian, but whatever. She took an interest in me- not flirtatious- just 'so who are you'? And after moving some stuff she asked me "so what do you do?" My mind went completely blank. Totally at a loss for words and I sat with my mouth open and what must have been a supremely confused look on my face for about half a minute before I responded "Oh Gawd, EVERYTHING!" Then I stuttered and tried to explain...3 kids, live on ranch, substitute teach....My best clever answer would have been 'I reinvent the wheel every damn day' but I wasnt feeling all that clever. Anyhow the epiphany is this: I dont have a simple answer to that most basic of everyday questions. I have a few paragraphs. Possibly the first few chapters in a strange novel. At best a heavy tome that few folks would actually wish to pick up and read. But I have no clipped one sentence answer that most folks in polite society memorize and shoot back to such a query. I guess Im...complicated. And not complicated like some narcissist drama queen that thinks she owns the world, but complicated in that I do reinvent the wheel every goddamn day, and Im not satisfied because I havent reinvented all of them. I want most of all in life to be completely self sufficient. My dream would be to never exchange money for anything. Barter. My skills for yours. What skills I cant barter for I wish I could learn. Id like to be able to rebuild an engine, as well as provide ALL the food for my family. Jezuss I designed my own damn house and did just about all the finishing work after framing. There are days when I think there is not a goddamn thing I cant do...and then there are days when I think I cant do a goddamn thing. So to remind myself, I thought Id try and compile a small list of shit I can do:
Art: Painting, sculpture, poetry, short stories, random crafty shit.
Amazing botanical knowledge
Plethora of biological knowledge of all varieties
I can do some tiling, stone masonry, basic plumbing and electrical work
A stockpile of veterinary and medical knowledge
Livestock afficionado
I can cook gourmet food to die for
I managed (so far) to raise 3 amazing smart, gorgeous wonderful kids that everyone adores
I think if the whole world went to shit, Im the person that could organize and manage to survive and take care of my family and freinds. I could see being a stronghold during the apocalypse.
I can teach.
I have no musical talent but I love music and if the apocalypse happens I will definately take time to learn an instrument, I used to sing fair to middlin.
I can ride a horse. Anywhere.And I can train any horse...or for that matter most animals, though Ive never taken the time to train a chicken.
I am essentially fearless. Hear that? Fearless. My only fears are the maternal ones. Those have been my only fears. ever. And they are biologically based. But theres not one damn thing I wouldnt do for my kids. Fuck you sarah palin- I'M the momma Grizzly bear!!!
My threshold of pain is ledgendary. However I wont harp on this...Im nearly 40 and everyday brings new pain.
I could live in the wild and fair quite well if I had to.
I need to learn to spin, and knit and sew. Someday Ill get sheep. And ill make amazing sweaters and amazing sheeps milk cheese and yogurt.
I can chop wood, use a chainsaw, drive a tractor (though I cant fix the damn thing-steves helped with diagnostics, might just be thermostat and I can do that) Im not so good at building stuff but Im working on it and I know how to use the tools, shit just gets wanky. Measure twice, cut once- working on that. I can fix windows, set doorframes, repair small shit.
I hate plumbing but Ive sat in a muddy ditch in the rain (only happens when its raining) and fixed main lines and spigots a bizillion times.
Heres something for the wish list- I want to weld. Big piles of metal. Just for shitsngiggles. Some women adore shoes....(well I like shoes too, but...)
winemaking. Now Ive made some interesting wines that got mostly positive review. My quince wine was outstanding, may try again this year with the hundred weight of quince I have on the tree. Plum wine. Peach wine. I need a still. And Id like to try beermaking. Then I could get all my favorite fermented products in a row, cheese, sourdough bread and various alcoholic beverages. Yes I do love alcohol. Not ashamed.
Argument. Yes I do it well. Generally with excellent mocking humor.
Ok. Done. Cant think of anything else and still I feel I come up short in todays economic climate. Almost looking forward to the apocalyps so I can shine. Hahaha.
Anyway, I'm over my few weak depressive moments. fortunately they dont last too long. Im a busy lady.