feelings.
uggghhh. Spending my time reading between the lines, analyzing sighs and body language and feeling very fucking uncomfortable. The worst part is I dont feel comfortable in my own skin. I have always been me, never a game player. Now I am reading someone else and trying to awkwardly fit in to the gap thats there. Maybe hes just depressed because his job sucks. On the other hand- not getting I love yous in return leaves nothing but an empty void to recoil from.
So I just dont know what to do except self contain, keep quiet and maintain an unreactive exterior. I cant change how someone else feels. If he doesnt feel it like I do there isnt a goddamn thing I can do. He fell in love with me and hes falling out of love with me. Easy to do I suspect, I have a strong personality- charming at first- abrasive later on. I cant change who I am. Im already feeling unnatural by not taking the bull by the horns and adressing my feelings head on, but my instinct is telling me to back off.
Maybe its too much for him. A woman with 3 kids and a damn zoo. Though Hes never shown resentment and actually seems to be getting along better with the kids than me. Maybe im reading much into nothing. In the end it doesnt matter why, it just matters that I feel totally awkward and uncomfortable and dont exactly have a clue how to handle myself. Im not a smooth person. Im a bumpy agressive obnoxious person. But I have a lot of love. I have a lot to express. I have a lot to give.
Im not being dumped-I think-Im just not shiny anymore. Im old. Perhaps my feelings are obsolete.
The thing thats confusing me is- he ensures me that he wants me for the rest of his life. Forever. As a partner. But right now? not so much.
This is why men are difficult. They never actually tell you whats going on in their heads. They ebb and flow without verbalizing and leave us guessing. They hurt without ever having a clue that they have done so. And yet I love him today as much as I ever have. He hasnt done anything that would cause otherwise, and its entirely possible that im just so fucking gunshy at this point I pick up the tiniest scent of gunpowder and assume the worst. Could be fireworks, could be a glock pointed at my head. I dont know how to distinguish the two. But it makes me nervous, neurotic and terribly melancholy.
Fuck my life.
So I just dont know what to do except self contain, keep quiet and maintain an unreactive exterior. I cant change how someone else feels. If he doesnt feel it like I do there isnt a goddamn thing I can do. He fell in love with me and hes falling out of love with me. Easy to do I suspect, I have a strong personality- charming at first- abrasive later on. I cant change who I am. Im already feeling unnatural by not taking the bull by the horns and adressing my feelings head on, but my instinct is telling me to back off.
Maybe its too much for him. A woman with 3 kids and a damn zoo. Though Hes never shown resentment and actually seems to be getting along better with the kids than me. Maybe im reading much into nothing. In the end it doesnt matter why, it just matters that I feel totally awkward and uncomfortable and dont exactly have a clue how to handle myself. Im not a smooth person. Im a bumpy agressive obnoxious person. But I have a lot of love. I have a lot to express. I have a lot to give.
Im not being dumped-I think-Im just not shiny anymore. Im old. Perhaps my feelings are obsolete.
The thing thats confusing me is- he ensures me that he wants me for the rest of his life. Forever. As a partner. But right now? not so much.
This is why men are difficult. They never actually tell you whats going on in their heads. They ebb and flow without verbalizing and leave us guessing. They hurt without ever having a clue that they have done so. And yet I love him today as much as I ever have. He hasnt done anything that would cause otherwise, and its entirely possible that im just so fucking gunshy at this point I pick up the tiniest scent of gunpowder and assume the worst. Could be fireworks, could be a glock pointed at my head. I dont know how to distinguish the two. But it makes me nervous, neurotic and terribly melancholy.
Fuck my life.